Survivors of multiple abusers?

[redhouse]

It feels extremely lonely and confusing to have experienced repeated sexual abuse from two unrelated people. For me, it happened during what seems to be the same time period.

All this situation makes me question myself. I didn't classify the experiences as similar, and my knowledge on sexual activity seemed to be fragmented. I wonder if this could be due to dissociation, or because I didn't have the cognitive capacity to understand that what we were doing was the same. The latter could be true, considering the abuse started when I was about 3.

I also compare the nature of the abuse. One of my abusers was extremely sadistic. He didn't talk to me, unless it was for making threats or ordering me around. He liked to see me in extreme pain. When he first started raping me, he'd walk into the room I was napping whitout saying much and he would do whatever he wanted. He took pleasure in humiliating me and making me feel powerless, with complete disregard towards my humanity. He would hold me after he was done and not let me leave until I stopped crying. He also recorded many moments and once sold me to a "friend", to further my torture.

My other abuser was different. He would talk to me. He acknowledged my existence. He would hear my questions and answer them. When I cried becayse of what he was doing, he would comfort me. Sometimes I'd laugh. I obviously couldn't consent, but I did have fun, and I remember moments where I felt a lot of pleasure.

I feel like when you have a single abuser, you can turn your pain outwards. You can point at something or someone and say that is the root of your trauma. But when you have two, the missing link between everything that happened is you. I can't think "that person is evil, they ruined me". I have to think instead "this is what I have suffered". It turns all the pain and anger inwards and makes me feel like I'm the problem.

 

[LittleSteve]

I understand completely, uncle Bill was a pure sadist, he liked to hear me scream. And I was just a commodity to him, he trafficked me to many men that had the same preference as he did. I was four when it started.

I disassociated mine completely for 60 years, it remained completely buried below the conscious level. It only came out in my sexuality, and my difficulties in relationships.

In some way is being seen as just an object for someone’s pleasure as one of the worst feelings I think you can have. So much more so when you’re a child.

 

[Max1969]

I had several abusers and it definitely makes healing more complex and more work than being able to focus on just one abuser.

 

[GaD3!]

Interesting conversation. I never gave this any thought- I too had multiple abusers I don't even know how many I just tried to count but, when there was a group, who was counting? Back to the original subject That does make sense it does make it much more difficult, even more so if some of the abusers were more caring or even affectionate. Of course all it bad. (evil may be the better word).

 

[Silly]

I had multiple abusers (all unrelated) from 3 to 15 years old. One in particular was very sadistic... the others are still in the realms of fuzziness... I recall what was done, but I can't really recall how I was treated by them... maybe this is something I need to think about.

 

[raffa_will_fight]

It feels extremely lonely and confusing to have experienced repeated sexual abuse from two unrelated people. For me, it happened during what seems to be the same time period.

All this situation makes me question myself. I didn't classify the experiences as similar, and my knowledge on sexual activity seemed to be fragmented. I wonder if this could be due to dissociation, or because I didn't have the cognitive capacity to understand that what we were doing was the same. The latter could be true, considering the abuse started when I was about 3.

I also compare the nature of the abuse. One of my abusers was extremely sadistic. He didn't talk to me, unless it was for making threats or ordering me around. He liked to see me in extreme pain. When he first started raping me, he'd walk into the room I was napping whitout saying much and he would do whatever he wanted. He took pleasure in humiliating me and making me feel powerless, with complete disregard towards my humanity. He would hold me after he was done and not let me leave until I stopped crying. He also recorded many moments and once sold me to a "friend", to further my torture.

My other abuser was different. He would talk to me. He acknowledged my existence. He would hear my questions and answer them. When I cried becayse of what he was doing, he would comfort me. Sometimes I'd laugh. I obviously couldn't consent, but I did have fun, and I remember moments where I felt a lot of pleasure.

I feel like when you have a single abuser, you can turn your pain outwards. You can point at something or someone and say that is the root of your trauma. But when you have two, the missing link between everything that happened is you. I can't think "that person is evil, they ruined me". I have to think instead "this is what I have suffered". It turns all the pain and anger inwards and makes me feel like I'm the problem.

I am so sorry for what you have been through…
I don’t know if I understood the question right.
I have three different abuses in my past. At least until now, but I am still figuring that out.
Around 6 by an uncle, often, repeatedly, and just some day ago I had a flashback that showed him doing more than I thought. When it stopped I don’t remember.
Around 8 by two teenagers who were I think around 15-16 years old. The parts I remember are not complete, but the more surfaces, the more I feel it was a combination of “teenager play” and sadistic curiosity. When some details will come up, I’d have a better picture.
At 18 I was raped by two men while holding a knife to my throat. Like the abuse mentioned before my memory blocks out the rest after a precise moment. When the blade touches my neck.

“The problem was me” is, when looking at it, not a stupid assumption, given the dark thoughts abuse creates. If it would have been just my uncle, I’d have the explanation of a sick person targeting me.
But if I reformulate “the problem was me” into “something shaped me into someone easily targeted by abusers, it makes even more sense.
MY PROBLEM is that one event distorted the image I have of myself. The damage done by an evil act created a continuum of events I fell into. Not because of something I did, but because abusers know what to look for and I probably had it written clearly on my forehead. I am trying to figure out if it is an expression, the often absent look I get, the constantly scan my surroundings for danger. A good manipulator recognises these signs, attributing them to a trauma that caused them, and then uses this information to get you in their web.

It’s not you Redhouse. The first one just made it easier for the next ones.
Thank you for sharing.

 

[MSUser2024]

5 …. My brother was the first. He invited the neighbor boy and the hairdresser guy. I was 9-13 1/2.The scout camp at 15 1/2. I was stalked and raped, only way to put. I don’t know what made me stand out except I shouldn’t have gone to camp alone. It made me a convenient target . And the final although I don’t know who it was. At a keg party I was blacked out. I can only think it was because I had dared tell someone I liked them couple weeks before I had just turned 16. They’re still all confusing to me. I remember each as I’m standing there now. Watching except the blackout. I only remember after. I don’t know. Peace Billy

 

[Blessedcurse]

I had multiple abusers but all of them were invited by my father.

The complications of it was more about love and attachment and grief and betrayal. Some I loved a lot in very different ways so it has been many different relationships to grieve.

 

[KevinGKG]

I had several abusers also. I'd say the primary abuser or facilitator was my mother. Several of her boyfriends also abused my sister and me over a period of almost 10 yrs.

 

[smc1972]

I wonder if this could be due to dissociation, or because I didn't have the cognitive capacity to understand that what we were doing was the same. The latter could be true, considering the abuse started when I was about 3.

That is an interesting question. I think they may have been disassociating happening which is common among survivors. Age may have also been a factor. You were first abused at an age no child would be able to make that determination. Then it continued so it become the “norm” for you. So again may not have been able to see it for what it truly was.

As you saw from others post, you are not alone in multiple abusers. I also fall in to this category, family and strangers. Started about 4 or 5 and lasted to late teens. My mother and grandfather abused me and my grandfather let others abuse me. There was also a friend of my parents that abused me once.

Grandfather and his friends were sadistic (hate that word) in reference to my grandfather. My grandfather first abused that I recalled when I was 4/5. Mother probably earlier.

I have lots of gaps and I have learned I dissociate even now. I know I did when I was a child. How else does a child survive it. The damage is done however and we are left with the pieces.

It really is confusing and complex.

 

[Photoman]

I felt loved by my step brother. He took time with me, was gental, and always asking if he was hurting me. He would stop what he was doing if he thought I was uncomfortable and wait for me to reposition before starting again or add more spit to make it slide in and out easier.

But when he shared me with his late teen friend (had to be 19-20 years old) in a rail car half filled with sand, that guy was very rough with me. He basically raped me knowing he was hurting me. He was very endowed in size, which I wasn't used to either. He just crammed it in and went to town.

The difference in the two were night and day. Those were the only ones I ever had anal sex with.

 

[J_Eyre]

It feels extremely lonely and confusing to have experienced repeated sexual abuse from two unrelated people. For me, it happened during what seems to be the same time period.

All this situation makes me question myself. I didn't classify the experiences as similar, and my knowledge on sexual activity seemed to be fragmented. I wonder if this could be due to dissociation, or because I didn't have the cognitive capacity to understand that what we were doing was the same. The latter could be true, considering the abuse started when I was about 3.

I also compare the nature of the abuse. One of my abusers was extremely sadistic. He didn't talk to me, unless it was for making threats or ordering me around. He liked to see me in extreme pain. When he first started raping me, he'd walk into the room I was napping whitout saying much and he would do whatever he wanted. He took pleasure in humiliating me and making me feel powerless, with complete disregard towards my humanity. He would hold me after he was done and not let me leave until I stopped crying. He also recorded many moments and once sold me to a "friend", to further my torture.

My other abuser was different. He would talk to me. He acknowledged my existence. He would hear my questions and answer them. When I cried becayse of what he was doing, he would comfort me. Sometimes I'd laugh. I obviously couldn't consent, but I did have fun, and I remember moments where I felt a lot of pleasure.

I feel like when you have a single abuser, you can turn your pain outwards. You can point at something or someone and say that is the root of your trauma. But when you have two, the missing link between everything that happened is you. I can't think "that person is evil, they ruined me". I have to think instead "this is what I have suffered". It turns all the pain and anger inwards and makes me feel like I'm the problem.

due to several instances, it feels like I had multiple childhoods if that makes sense. I keep things separated from each other so it feels disjointed. When I try to tie all the abuse together I tend to get lost in myself. And the constant self doubt. people responded with such skepticism that even I try to pretend it's not real. Or think what I did for it to happen again. Anyway, that's been my experience with it. Sorry you're suffering through it.

 

[Youngtrumpet]

When I was preteen the abuse I suffered was fear based, humiliating and threatening. It involved multiple men/boys primarily through scouting. I realize now they got off more on the horror they could instill in me rather than just the acts of sex. I tucked that part of my abuse away for decades.
When I fell victim to abuse as a teenager I never really lost those memories. The first time that happened it was with an individual where the feelings were incredible - pure sexual pleasure and release.
What confused me was when the memories and flashbacks of the preteen abuse surfaced, I wondered how it could be - because I was sure the teen incident was 'the first' because those were feelings I had never felt before. At that instant I had the feeling that took over my entire body and I thought if anyone looked at me they would certainly know what happened.
I realize now, they were both 'sexual abuse' but the feelings, emotions, experiences and long lasting effects were vastly different.

 

[Jack1]

I was trafficked by my father so I had many abusers, sometimes by one man and occasionally by multiple men at an event. I have a somewhat foggy view of most of them but I clearly remember the nicest ones and the mean ones. I have a warm spot in my heart for one man in particular who mentored me when I was about nine while sexually abusing me. I also remember the man who gave me a black eye and a fat lip because he said he was tired of feeling my teeth. He had a very thick penis and I was just a small eight year old.

Did multiple abusers distort my view of myself? Yes it did but being told that it was my job as a boy to sexually please men did it more.

 

[Tableau in Stasis]

Yeah I can understand trying to make sense of multiple different abusers, and how they can be so different from each other. I don't exactly know how many separate people or groups abused me, but it has to be somewhere like 5-6+ from the ages of 6-15/16 and most of them were extremely different from each other, which is extremely confusing. I definitely had to get over though initial feelings of "why is it always me they find?" until over time it settled out.

 

[Georgie]

The abusers were different because all people are different and have different sexual/erotic fantasies or desired.

 

[raffa_will_fight]

Yeah I can understand trying to make sense of multiple different abusers, and how they can be so different from each other. I don't exactly know how many separate people or groups abused me, but it has to be somewhere like 5-6+ from the ages of 6-15/16 and most of them were extremely different from each other, which is extremely confusing. I definitely had to get over though initial feelings of "why is it always me they find?" until over time it settled out.

Sorry for what happened to you…
Can I ask something? To you think, emotionally and psychologically, the abuses hit you differently when you were 6/7 as to during puberty?

 

[Tableau in Stasis]

Sorry for what happened to you…
Can I ask something? To you think, emotionally and psychologically, the abuses hit you differently when you were 6/7 as to during puberty?

Oh yeah very substantially different. Admittedly part of that is because the kind of abuse sort of shifted as I got older, and trafficking became more central but even without that shift it feels different. Early on I was told it was love, this was a beautiful thing, that I was a movie star, I was beautiful, and that I was making art. Of course I loved all of those things, so I went along with it. But after the 3rd or 4th time, at ages 11 12 13 14 and so on, you see behind the curtain but you're no less stuck. This was just how it went, whenever I would get away from one abuser or group, I would keep my mind and body prepared for the next one that would inevitably find me. I had a process for figuring out what this new abuser was like, quickly determining what they wanted from me. I was basically screening them the first few times so I could just get it over faster, and be what they want from the beginning. It made me very cooperative, and therefore quite "popular" but it eased things some. Even if it fucked me up mentally to feel so complicit or compliant. And it's just so exhausting after that much time. You've heard the story before, you know how this goes, and there's no escaping it so just sit down, shut up, and go along with it. And that headspace definitely changes what the more traumatizing aspects of the abuse was, and how it affects me to this day. I want to say that around 11 years old was when I sort of mark the second half of my abuse. Before then it was not as much trafficking, if there were groups they were just sharing me and not filming or paying money, and their stories and coercion were more subtle. But after the first major trafficker the rest of my abuse and my perspective on it shifts.

 

[raffa_will_fight]

Oh yeah very substantially different. Admittedly part of that is because the kind of abuse sort of shifted as I got older, and trafficking became more central but even without that shift it feels different. Early on I was told it was love, this was a beautiful thing, that I was a movie star, I was beautiful, and that I was making art. Of course I loved all of those things, so I went along with it. But after the 3rd or 4th time, at ages 11 12 13 14 and so on, you see behind the curtain but you're no less stuck. This was just how it went, whenever I would get away from one abuser or group, I would keep my mind and body prepared for the next one that would inevitably find me. I had a process for figuring out what this new abuser was like, quickly determining what they wanted from me. I was basically screening them the first few times so I could just get it over faster, and be what they want from the beginning. It made me very cooperative, and therefore quite "popular" but it eased things some. Even if it fucked me up mentally to feel so complicit or compliant. And it's just so exhausting after that much time. You've heard the story before, you know how this goes, and there's no escaping it so just sit down, shut up, and go along with it. And that headspace definitely changes what the more traumatizing aspects of the abuse was, and how it affects me to this day. I want to say that around 11 years old was when I sort of mark the second half of my abuse. Before then it was not as much trafficking, if there were groups they were just sharing me and not filming or paying money, and their stories and coercion were more subtle. But after the first major trafficker the rest of my abuse and my perspective on it shifts.

Thank you for sharing this. Every time I read stories like yours and think of a child of that age it is impossible to even imagine what trafficking is. What I mean is, it sounds so surreal what is done to these immature brains and the connections it creates in the mind. Especially when I have the occasion to talk with you. The honest respect I have when talking to a person that went through it, yet is here, sane, helpful to others.

I can relate to the scanning. I think mine was the consequence not much of the abuses, but the 3 year of daily bulling at high school, 7 to 10. I try to explain to my lifelong friends that going out for me is becoming too tiring. I feel the shift in personas now, and I don’t want that anymore. But it is hard for them to truly understand when I tell them how I scan every single person as soon as I go into a room, trying to adapt.

I hear you. I didn’t take into account the very different experiences and was thinking more about the awareness of the body and sexuality, if that makes sense. As soon as I started home I perceived some kind of need to cover myself, to not get too close physically, to not touch or be touched “there” even if absolutely non sexual. This part is slowly getting back to me and I have no idea what to do with it if not shove it back down.
In your experience the change of puberty added an awareness that probably showed how stuck you were, if I understood correctly. And that is so much more cruel. Like I said: I have so much respect for you to be able to share this. Helps a lot

 

[Tableau in Stasis]

The honest respect I have when talking to a person that went through it, yet is here, sane, helpful to others.

Aww that's very kind, I appreciate it. Sanity took a while, and one might argue it isn't quite there yet even now lol. I have the good parts of my family, my wonderful support of friends, my beautiful partner, and my phenomenal therapist to thank for all of that.

I can relate to the scanning. I think mine was the consequence not much of the abuses, but the 3 year of daily bulling at high school, 7 to 10. I try to explain to my lifelong friends that going out for me is becoming too tiring. I feel the shift in personas now, and I don’t want that anymore. But it is hard for them to truly understand when I tell them how I scan every single person as soon as I go into a room, trying to adapt.

Yeah that kind of hyper-awareness develops from all sorts of different experiences and a lot of people don't quite get the after effects of that. Those personas really want to stick around a very long time and come out regardless of whether they're actually needed anymore or not. Even though I'm doing a lot better in not flipping into them these days, some aspects still remain virtually untouched. I still lie or mislead with confidence and a smile on my face over small things that don't matter, because being believed to be right was the better part of survival before. There is no need for me to feign universal knowledge of every little thing, but my mind still says the habit can stick around.

I hear you. I didn’t take into account the very different experiences and was thinking more about the awareness of the body and sexuality, if that makes sense.

Ohhh I get what you meant now. That too did change in time, as I figured out how to enjoy things as much as was possible to at least distract from the horror of it all. I learned how to convince my abusers to do things I liked or was more comfortable with, and manipulated them into thinking it was their idea. Kept me safer and feeling better, and kept them thinking they were in control. Especially with some of my latest trafficking experiences where I had a reputation for beating experienced and expensive, people expected a lot from me and I had more leeway and a tiny bit more control.

In your experience the change of puberty added an awareness that probably showed how stuck you were, if I understood correctly. And that is so much more cruel. Like I said: I have so much respect for you to be able to share this. Helps a lot

Yeah over time it just felt more inevitable, and I got really good at just always acting in ways, and preparing myself for my abusers even when none were currently present. Sometimes there were multiple year-long gaps between people, but because they always found me again, I just stayed ready. I didn't think I would get to stop doing that until I was no longer desirable enough to be abused. And truthfully I got very lucky to get out when most people don't. With individuals and groups with little to no filming, it's a different world. Getting out can be from them losing interest, you aging out, you moved or a family friend had a falling out with your parents ect. Eventually they would just move on. But what I learned is when money gets involved, you become an asset to be defended and kept. And as that sum grows and grows, with it shrinks your chances of ever escaping.

Well that got really dark at the end, sorry I usually don't get that deep here, I'm glad to hear that it helps to hear me share my experiences, I know I have been helped greatly by many other people here as well. I really am doing so much better than I thought I would be with all of this these days. So I'm glad that my story, progress, and insights can help others get to this place too.