survivors and partners-question about sex

[AMiNUTS]

Hi all,
I would like to hear from survivors and partners again regarding attitudes toward sex with your partner, SO, spouse. I have had a problem with my spouse and sex which I think is related to the SA. Please provide me with your input. I have felt for a long time that the emphasis on sex is way too strong. It seems to me that all his being comes from having sex. He claims that I have a problem in that area. When he doesn't get sex, it becomes a battle almost. He has a major attitude and then becomes passive aggressive. When he want sex, it feels like I am his prey. He is so intent on having sex that is feels like it becomes his mission. And then when he is turned down, the attitude lingers for days or until we have sex. I have claimed for years that I feel that he only values me for sex and he claims that this is my issue. Also, he claims that it is not only sex it is about physical closeness. The cycle here is that if I am snuggly, he thinks it means sex, so I don't get snuggly if I don't want sex. He says if he had sex more often, then this wouldn't be the case. Please tell me if this sounds familiar to anyone.

Also, we had talked last weekend about my unhappiness in this marriage which has gone on for 10 years. I try to make it work, but it works for him only when we are regularly sexual. It hasn't really worked for me because of the lack of true intimacy (emotional). After this conversation, he needs to be REAL close all the time, yet I feel like I need distance. That night he had to sleep so close to me that I couldn't sleep. He becomes very kissy and huggy constantly which seems to relieve his emotional turmoil. BUt then, he thinks everything is all right because he is comforting himself through these hugs and kisses, but here I am...nothing has changed since the discussion. It is all still there. I told him last night that he needs to chill out. The intenseness of his seemingly "mission" like is very uncomfortable for me. It just doesn't feel right...does anyone know what I mean.

Thanks again for any input.

 

[soccer]

Hi - I'm new to this discussion and really liked your post. I'm in a new relationship (10 months) with a survivor and have come to notice that that his orientation towards life/relationships has been and continues to be quite sexual. When we first met he did talk signifiantly about his past sexual experiences (ugh!) and had major issues with feeling controlled, etc. However, I've been in relationships before with men who had these attitudes who were not sexually abused (but indeed had "controlling-mom issues").

From my boyfriend's past dating history, it does sound like his sexual behaviour at times was somewhat compulsive More about htis later in another post (I have MANY questions about this behaviour myself).

Another behaviour that my boyfriend does exhibit is his periodic inability to be emotionally intimate, often after we are physically intimate. He has readily admitted he continues to have intimacy problems, but is committed to working on it. As time goes on, he is getting better at identifying the times when he is scared and overwhelmed and just cannot be there, and makes an effort to let me know when this is happening. He has also by his own initiative, returned to counselling, and is strongly urging me to join him in some couples counselling so we can better address his abuse, his fears and their effects on the relationship.

Off-and-on it has been a hard 10 months (there have been good times as well). We both want to hang in because we are committed, based on a strong friendship that was cultivated years before the relationship started. This friendship is truly what is pulling us through.

 

[babs]

AMiNUTS -

I was watching an OPRAH episode about sex the other day and several women agreed with your comment:

... "if I am snuggly, he thinks it means sex, so I don't get snuggly if I don't want sex."

I personally identified with this: ..."When he want(s) sex, it feels like I am his prey."

When my husband's SA past 'flashed back' into both of our lives 2 years ago I found out a whole side of him **sexually** that was hidden for over 20 years (the whole time we were married).

Getteddie was and is ADDICTED TO SEX. From 15 YO (when the abuse ended) until NOW his most frequent sexual activity is MASTURBATION. Only when the SA came to light did he tell me that "every day we did not have sex he gave himself a hand-job." For about 10 years after the abuse, self-gratification was his sole activity. He only became a practicing heterosexual at the coaxing of a few female friends who had noticed his shyness and pledged to find out if Getteddie really did like girls.

You are lucky your life ONLY becomes "almost a battle." Getteddie gets verbally & emotionally abusive if he gets sexually frustrated even when the lack of activity is 'situation-based unavailability' based on his schedule. He thinks he can say anything to me one moment and I should still be receptive to sexual advances the next moment. In fact that he is how he acted earlier today and I still agreed to have sex. DAMM, talk about stupidly reinforcing his bad behavior!! I SHOULD HAVE MY HEAD EXAMINED!! Oh yeah, I'm already doing that on a weekly basis. Apparently I've lost my sense of pride & dignity to accept this crap, repeatedly nonetheless.

Weary, Babs

 

[getteddie]

Someone PLEASE tell me when it is time to cut off one of my ears and give it to her!!!!! I can't split, can't off myself, and it looks like all woman don't want to have sex 24-7....Boy does that SUCK BIG TIME...and I was wondering why there was a spot here for Gay Men!!!!

Eddie

 

[AMiNUTS]

Sorry Geteddie....you know I can certainly understand that where sex comes in, gays may have an advantage of at least being the same sex MIGHT better coordinate sexual needs....but not always. I have a lesbian friend whose exgirlfriend was not as sexual as she was...so you never know.

Babs, you bring up a very good point. You had sex thereby reinforcing the negative behavior. That is exactly where I found myself most all the time. "Addicted to sex" - absolutely, hubby too. I really feel strongly that it IS a consequence of SA. I think that is the only avenue that taps into lots of trapped emotions. When I give into negative behavior, I feel bad for myself, but to "get him off my back" I give in. It seems easier than dealing with the attitude problems. But I have decided I am not going to "reward" him for bad behavior. It feels very codependent and I don't like to feel that way.

As for soccer's boyfriend, you are lucky to know right from the get go so that you have the opportunity to either deal with it or not before things get too complicated. I would strongly suggest you go for couples counseling...and that he is the one asking you to go..that is terrific.

Thanks all!