Survivors and lying

Survivors and lying
Dave,

Probably because we had such low self-esteem and truly believed that we were worthless we then created stories and lies to make ourselves interesting, macho or whatever.
We hated who we were so we created someone else.

It's very difficult to keep up, and also extremely difficult to stop.
Stopping requires us to admit we're bullshitters, and that's something that men rate lower than a snakes belly. Many guys would rather admit to drinking their own bath water than being a bullshitter.
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This rang so true with me... My guy did this all the time and when he got caught, he became self-deprecating. He made up fantastic stories about his life and could easily tell lies without batting an eye. He even lied about things for no apparent reason.

I never called him on his bs and lies - partially because I couldn't always separate the truth from the fiction - But I can't help but wonder if I should have? If bullsh*tting is something that men rate lower than a snakes belly, then what would the best method of calling him on his bs have been?

--EJ
 
I doubt lying is truly intrinsic to the male survivor. Granted, we may have lied when ask of our abuse and said no, we may have lied to ourselves about the abuse minimizing the impact or nature of the event(s). We were lied to and manipulated by those in authority that abused us. Perhaps in the process some of us got the message that lying and deception in its many forms were the norm. I try to be honest in all my interactions. Not so brutaly honest as to hurt the feelings and esteem of others, but honest. Honest and truthful so that others may know that I can be trusted when so many others seem to lie to us.
 
Just thought I'd bump this old thread up because it's something I've been thinking a lot about for a long time. Unfortunately, I don't have time to make any meaningful comments, but at least it will be easier for me to find it when I'm ready.

Thanks,
Katie
 
Kathryn,

Thanks, actually, for bumping this up. I went through the thread and was surprised at my own post up there! :)

It's good to be able to go back and see the progress I've made. I'm sure some of the other guys will have a positive moment of reflection as well.

Lots of love,

John
 
Katie,

I remember this one and it's good to see it refloated. I actually still believe all those things I said, though I feel I have made a lot of progress since then. The discussion was coming up at a time when I was just beginning therapy in the UK, so the question of whether I would be able to trust this new T and tell her things was heavy on my mind.

Much love,
Larry
 
Yes lying ( at least for me and most of my life ) is a conditioned repsonse in that lying is alot easier,like denial,then to face what is staring you right in the face.

I can't ( and i won't ) speak for others however i can tell you i lied all my life and i believe (by lying and being a survivor) that only when the pain becomes great enough we change otherwise the "cycle" will continue to perpetuate itself over and over.So to answer your question yes telling the truth not only can it be hard but real painful sometimes but ultimately the truth will always surface and it can truly set you free to hold your head up and smile.I'm not making excuses for him only that i'm sharing my perspective.

Coopstah
 
i think lying is a direct result of abuse ,just like ptsd,or flashbacks, as kids we were lied to in the most awfull ways ,if you got groomed ?then everything that lead up to the abuse turned out to be a lie. if you were taught like i was that if you were good and believed in god nothing bad could happen ,that turned out to be a lie. if you told the truth and turned the perp in most times it just made things worse. we also learned to lie to hide the shame .it was almost not even a choice ,if somebody asked me say ,about my scars ,should i tell them the truth ? and watch them turn away? or why nobody ever came to visit me in the hospital,could i tell them my whole family was against me?and why.lying made the pain a little eaiser to take i think. when you've never known truth is anything really a lie?
 
Hi Tracy

I have not read through all the posts here, so forgive me if I am being repetative.

I am the wife of a survivor. We were married 14.5 years before he told me (Feb 07). I had asked him point blank in the past if he had been abused due to other issues that pointed in that direction. He always denied it.

I could look and be mad he lied. He denied many times to my face. But my mantra is THIS IS NOT ABOUT ME. The lies were not about me. The denials were not about me. Even since the disclosure, there have been things that were denied that have really turned out to be true.

I know it is not easy to be lied to...but it isn't about you. Mostly it is about protecting you. I know how strange that sounds. Just be patient. He needs to build trust and faith in you and your reactions and acceptance of what he tells you. It will come.

And from my experience, survivors are amazing men and worth any extra effort.

Feel free to pm if you like.
Lorie
 
I am glad this one came up to the top again too! I think about Tracy's 'boil your own eggs' comment all the time and would never have remembered the whole context of the story.
 
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