survivors and alcohol

survivors and alcohol
I started black out drinking at 13 and that was how I got through the rest of my time at home; it also helped with anxiety in college. I have some pretty crazy stories. About 9 months after college I landed up in AA . . . had become so visibly alcoholic that someone I worked with took me to a meeting. After about 2 years sober my abuse memories surfaced and I lost my mind. Decided that that was why I drank and that if I went to therapy and worked on that I'd be fine. Also, I didn't want to be an alcoholic and thought that if I said I wasn't I wouldn't be. I drank and used drugs for about 6 months after that, heavy leaving las vegas drinking and coke most days of the week. I realized I had to stop so I went back to AA where I have met a lot of cool people. I still don't know what I think about alcohlism or whether it exists but I have been sober for five years now and my life is difficult enough without it. My T put me on some pills coz he said I was self mediacting etc. That has helped a lot. I can barely talk about this stuff now, so I am sure if I was abusing alcohol I would be running away from it more than confronting it. I have to say that in AA tho I have met a lot of survivers and its cool having so many friends in recovery and therapy where this stuff is all in the open. I always appreciate that.
 
After my abuse ended (age 14), I started drinking. I skipped beer and wine (he used those to "loosen" me up. I went straight to pure grain alcohol - 190 proof - and mixed it into everything.

By the time I was in 9th grade I was drunk constantly. My best friend would drive us to school in his pickup truck and we kept a cooler in the back. In the morning, on the way to school, we would stop and buy a bag of ice, and 7 bottles of Mr. Pibb. In the parking lot at school, I would pour out a couple of oz. of the Pibb and add the grain alcohol. Then, throughout the day, I would take a bottle with me to each class. Several people included, in their favorite memories in the Senior section of the yearbook, "Chris' "Happy Bottles". Everybody in class knew I was wasted except, it seemed, the teachers.

After I got out of high school, I became a restaurant manager, and a lot of that work included managing the bar (in fact, a few times I was the official bar manager). This didn't help. I was drunk all the time at work.

I pretty much stayed drunk for 12 years until I met my wife. She made me want to be a better person, so I stopped cold turkey. Now, if I want to drink, I choose tequila or bourbon (still no beer or wine, and I've sworn off grain).

I understand all too well the need to self-medicate. Sometimes I wish I'd become a drug addict (I know, I know). And I wish I could get pot on a regular basis without endangering the family, because I would definitely use that to relax.

For now, I'll stick with the Xanax.

Chris
 
Looking back over what everyone has contributed it strikes me how many of us got into alcohol and drugs as a way of numbing out right after the abuse ended, rather than face what had happened to us. But of course the reality was that we didn't have the option of facing things. We thought we were along, or guilty, or whatever.

Perhaps the way forward is to come back to that familiar line: TALK about it. If we feel we can talk to each other and not be judged, if we believe that by expressing how we feel that somehow contributes to our recovery, then perhaps drink, weed and other things won't look so attractive to us.

Much love,
Larry
 
I used drugs when I was young, 12,13,14, to cope. I know that now, I was clueless then. And now years later and after years of therapy, (many years with an unhealthy therapist,) I find myself drinking more and more as I work difficult issues of anger and shame. It's only been a month or so that I feel the drinking has been a problem. I know inside it is not right. I feel sadness even writing this. Sadness that I let myself down.

I enjoy the relief, the numbness, but don't enjoy the aftermath. Sometimes the drinking degrades my will power and I don't maintain the boundries I set for myself. Then I feel shame. I do things I would not if alcohol didn't pave the way.

Two steps forward, one step back.
 
Larry - when I went to Newcastle last week, it was a red hot day. I visited some old/new haunts and really enjoyed it!

One thing the alcohol did was loosen my tongue (it never did before I told). I made a few comments about how things had been in the past, and got some resolution from that! I know I have got the right responses where they matter!

Alcohol can be both a tool and a weapon! A tool to help you get through, and a weapon that cuts you to bits!

I find that if I am in a positive frame of mind, then alcohol is a good thing! If I feel negative, then I try not to drink.

I can honestly say that I used to drink every day, just to release the pain from my mind. When I say drink in that respect, I mean drunk!

Now I drink mostly for pleasure (decent wine/beer & quality over quantity). Tonight I've had a bottle of Cabenert Sauvignon, and a bottle of Leffe...good stuff...not bloated. Only problem is we are having a heatwave in old blighty! Very humid...makes you thirsty!

Lloydy if you are reading this, a Heatwave in the Northeast is the same as it is for you Southerners! About 2 degrees above freezing! :cool:

Best wishes ...Rik
 
Rik,

I know what you mean about alcohol as a tool to get you through. My difficulty was that keeping the tool sharp kept taking more and more time and attention. It got to a matter of devoting more attention to the tool than to taking care of me for my own sake!

Much love,
Larry
 
(((larry)))
 
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