survivors and alcohol

survivors and alcohol
R

roadrunner

Registrant
Andrew76 recently started a thread in which he referred to drinking as a means he used to cope with his memories of abuse, and of course that one has appeared on the DB many times. I wonder if it's time for a discussion of this issue in particular.

When my abuse stopped at the age of 14 I thought I was saved. I wasn't. I quickly shifted from a kind of day-by-day existence, bouncing back and forth between abuse episodes and a kind of robotic "everyday" routine at home, to one in which I started thinking about what had happened to me. I started asking the "why" questions and had no answers. I felt so alone, ashamed and guilty; it really felt like I was being crushed by it all. What scared me most was that I "missed" the abuser - I could never understand that, since when he was around I had been completely terrified.

In 1963 drugs were not yet widespread, but alcohol sure was. Like any other boy I was curious, and I quickly discovered that drinking would allow me to numb out and temporarily forget what had happened. The problem was I didn't see how I was using alcohol as a crutch, so I got into big trouble pretty fast - we all know how that goes. By the time I was in college I didn't figure I was having fun at a party until I had been sick at least once or twice, and sometimes the evening ended in convulsions - a kind of alcohol poisoning I was told.

I gradually pulled out of this because I was becoming obsessed with my studies and concentrating on that replaced my need to drink. But not before I added a lot of drugs to the equation, and again, I can look back and wonder why I am still alive.

I'm not sure why I want to say all this. Perhaps just as a way of warning myself that this is still a danger, though I am told I'm not an alcoholic. Maybe I just want to think back and be glad I escaped, despite of all the opportunities and joys that drinking took away from me. I don't think I'm venting or moaning.

But I hope others will take up this topic and share their experiences and views. For me the bottom line is that alcohol, which is a depressant anyway, never helped me in the slightest. The next day I was always in the same mess where I had started, or else even worse off.

I'm no crusader or anything like that, but this one is a real peril. If you are taking a drink every now and then to "take the edge off", watch out. I never realized I had a problem until it was really serious. As one of my teachers in college put it, "You have to decide do you want to live your life or lose it".

Much love,
Larry
 
Larry,

When I was 16 yrs old, I was raped by my boss. I was totally crazy! There is no other word for it. I was frightened for all sorts of reasons. Would he try it again? How could I fight him off? What would happen if I told my parents? If the police were to find out, how many other people would find out? How many people did know? How many guys were being raped by this guy because I wouldn't tell? Could I have helped these victims? Did this episode in my life mean that I was gay now? Would my boss tell others that would attack me? Have I caught any kind of disease? What will I tell my parents if I have caught a disease? Why did he pick me to rape? Did I deserve this? Am I being punished for something?

All of these questions went thru my head, and I don't mean in an orderly fashion. They went thru my head every waking hour just as fast as you can read them here now. When I went to sleep, I had the nightmares. Add to this, the paranoia I developed, along with the guilt and overwhelming shame.

I knew friends that drank. I knew where to get it. I had money to buy it. It was legal, not for me to buy and consume, but I wasn't going to jail for drinking it. So I sat on the seawall one afternoon and drank about 1/3 - 1/2 a fifth (telling my age now) of Southern Comfort. When I decided to get up and walk back home, Irealized that I felt better. It was just as you described it, Larry, it allowed me to "numb out". It was the only way for me to have peace in my head, if only for a little while. I remember being sick a lot from it. I remember having terrible stomach trouble due to drinking liquor and wine.

One afternoon while sitting on the seawall drinking, I saw a man fall down on the beach. He tried to get up, but he fell again, and fell hard onto the sand. I decided to go see if he needed help and when I got close to him, he tried to get up again. At this point I noticed that he was so drunk he couldn't walk. He had vomitted all over himself. HE scared the Hell out of me. I left him and ran back to the seawall. When I got there, I turned around and he was nowhere to be seen.

I decided then and there that I was not going to become an alcoholic. I didn't want to end up like that man. I knew I had one very serious problem, dealing with my sexual abuse, but I didn't want two problems. Sometimes I think that man was an angel, sent to scare me, because the guy just totally disappeared!

Whatever he was, he helped, but didn't cure me. I still use it to take the edge off. I use it when I don't want to deal with issues. In the long run, it has always proved to give me more issues or complicate the issues I already have.

I can go days without touching the stuff, so I tell myself I am not an alcoholic. Once I start, though, I can hardly ever stop for the night. It used to be a glass, now it's a bottle when I start.

I am getting better, I think, but the best advice I could give anyone is never to start. Besides making you feel like Hell the next day, the good stuff is expensive!! I have realized many times that I could have had more fun with the money I spent on liquor, if I spent it on going to the movies, dancing, a road trip for the day, or a nice meal out somewhere. Unfortunately, I usually have this realization sitting on the sofa looking at the idiot box, nursing a hangover.

Realistically, I am sure alcohol never helped my marriage either, but instead helped it towards divorce. God only knows how much of my sons' respect I have lost over the years seeing their father wasted. Talk about shame...
 
Rich,

I don't want to interrupt too much, but this part I thought was important:

All of these questions went thru my head, and I don't mean in an orderly fashion.
Click to expand...
Isn't that the truth! It was like a whirlwind of fear, questions, doubts, shame, confusion, whatever. When I discovered a way to numb out I went for it in a second.

Much love,
Larry
 
Good stuff.

I drank and smoked copious amounts of pot for about 6 years before I came to the realization that I was abused. I continued using for another 10 years before I came to the realization that drinking/smoking wasn't helping me to resolve my SA issues. If anything, it made the self guilt, shame, and perfectionism worse.

But I wasn't an alcoholic/addict. No, not me. I wasn't drinking everyday. I had a good job. No DUIs. Didn't blackout. And could go for a few days without a drink. But I loved the buzz and relaxation from what seemed like a continous state of anxiety. I became increasingly focused on weekends/drinking time, enjoyed traveling for work b/c I could drink alone, and basically was not happy having 1 or 2 drinks. Who wants 1 or 2 drinks? Who would ever leave a beer 1/2 full? When I started to drink it was game on. Pure signs of alcoholism.

So now I am three years into therapy to cope with my SA. Making some progress, but still drinking 3 times / week and smoking pot every day. Needless to say, I wasn't recovering. Just continuing to treat myself without the respect that I deserved. I tried to 'stop' only to convince myself after a week...'see, you can stop, it isn't a problem'. Then why was I drinking again? Another sign that I was an alcoholic.

The best decision I made was to get into outpatient rehab. I learned that I was powerless over alcohol and drugs. So are a lot of people. I also found AA. Like MS, AA is an unbelievable support network of people who have the same troubles and challenges as I do. I learned in rehab that one of the largest predictors of alcholism is child sexual abuse. Go figure.

I know this is a long post, but I strongly urge anyone out there who thinks he has a drinking problem to seek help. I am proud to say I have 8 months and 11 days clean. It has changed my life for the better. You can do it too. You owe it to yourself. If I can be of any assistance, please let me know. I guarantee you have free resources in your backyard.

Keep it simple,
Scott
 
like anything else we do as survivors we tend to over do it , my abuser got me started on drugs to make it eaiser to get me to cooperate ,and i discovered that i could block out what was happening even when it was happening ,so the drugs became my escape ,but in the end i needed more and more to escape .if my friends did one line of speed i had to do 3 or 4 to get to the place i wanted to be , my abuser first gave me meth at age 11 i have not gotten completly off the stuff to this day ,but it no longer gives me any relief ,it is like the others said now not only do i have my past to deal with but also my addiction to the one thing i though could help me ,my advice ?dont start with drugs or alcohol.it only makes it harder in the long run to face up to what our life has become .instead of helping me cope it kept me from doing the things i needed to do to heal ,what i though was helping me was really making it worse.helping me hide from the truth ,making it eaiser to just let it eat me up inside.
 
At the age of 15 whilst my abuse was still happening, I latched onto booze like a man grabbing for a life raft. It soothed me, took away my pain, it lifted me out of myself and made me feel different to who I actually was, as the years passed it led me into blackouts that lasted months, homelessness, violence, prostitution and a total of five years in differing hospitals both psychiatric and general plus NHS and privately run drug rehabs.

It very nearly killed me and it definately destroyed every relationship I ever had. In 1994 I stopped and then the hell fell on me I had to face my abuse and accept that it happened sober, it was at that point that everything started to fall into place.

Here we are twelve years down the line and I have been sober all that time except for a couple of minor relapses which I pulled out of as soon as I started. Booze never solved anything for me although at the time I believed it did. Today If I pick up a drink I may as well throw my marraige away together with my relatonships with my two step daughters and my four grandchildren, that for me is too much to lose. I am concious of that now where at one time I was not.

Life still stinks sometimes but today I can get through that.

Kirk

"Lets grab this bull by the horns and swing it about a bit"
 
My abuse started somewhere around the age of 13 or so. later in life i started playing music in a bar in tennessee. as i drank, I found out i didnt dwell on being raped orally or anally by my sisters ex husband.i kept drinking , now at the age of 39, i am in the middle of my 5th offense drinking and driving charge. when i got out of jail(the state dropped it to a second offense). I got into A.A recovery.I have gone 7 months without drinking, i am on my 4th step right now, and it is rehashing my past life when i felt to blame for getting raped. the 4th step i think will help me to come to terms with my past, and look forward to a brighter future. right now tho, i HAte thinking about the past or my ex brother in law. He is in the national Guard now and i just wonder how many other kids he abused, it makes me sick, and i wish i knew a way to make him pay, but all im gonna have is my recovery and the fact that im comming to terms with everything. thanks for letting me share, and if you younger kids are smart, ya wont start drinking, you will get councelling instaed, thanks mike
 
I started drinking more or less straight after the abuse finished (12/13). It started with just a few pints at first, bought from money we used to get from going shopping (friends parents were quite well off & used to give us the change which was often a considerable amount to us.

When I started work, the drinking became almost every night for years on end. I think the first time it eased up was when I started playing drums in a rock band.

I still like to drink now, but the fact that the perv has now taken on my shame, means that I drink mostly for pleasure now, not just to get blitzed.

I am having a drink tonight of very good wine, and there is a good reason for that!

Best wishes....Rik
 
Just thought I would pop this up, as I just printed it out for a friend of mine. I thought the new guys would like it.

Take care,
Clifford
 
My release was pot. Smoked my brain out but still the abuse issues where there. 35 years later I am still trying to stop and I am making some progress. I know that it is not good for me to be so dependent on drugs.

I was high on pot so long the abuse issues did fad to the background only to come back many years later. Drugs don't help I know that now but I wasted many years in a fog. Tom
 
I did a lot of pot plus hash, peyote, acid, mescaline and a little opium, all to just get to that place that was away from reality. I remember though refusing to do heroin or cocaine. Those were just too damn dangerous, I thought. Eventually I just quit and if I did smoke some dope I would feel totally paranoid and didn't enjoy it at all.

Dale
 
Alcohol can be used, and it can be abused.

If you're out for night to celebrate the arrival of a soldier coming home from Iraq after 18 months of active duty, that is use of alcohol.

If you're drinking every night after work, by yourself, only for the sake of numbing out, that is abuse. I say that that is abuse becuase it's damaging one's liver and one's abiltiy to to foster meaningful relationships, etc. If you're of the kind of person that can't stop drinking once you start until you puke or get pulled over by a cop, that's abuse too.

If you're using alcohol every day............watch out! Alcohol withdrawl is a bitch!!!! I would rather quite smoking tobacco and quit drinking coffee AT THE SAME TIME than to go through that again.
 
My 2nd abuser introduced me to alcohol sometime between 6th and 7th grade, all part of his plan I think now. Strange to remember being in 7th grade homeroom on a Monday thinking how I'd gotten trashed on vodka over the weekend.
Liked to drink as a teenager, not on a daily basis, but there were a lot of times I'd drink alone to numb out.
Sometimes I don't drink for a while, other times I get into a habit of drinking to "unwind" after a shitty day. Lately I only buy a beer at a time, in the evening. If I buy a 6-pack I'll drink 3 or 4. I prefer to drink alone. When I drink with friends I seem to keep drinking past when I'd otherwise stop, and I usually embarras myself.
 
I was over 18 when I started drinking, but made up for lost time.
There was a period were I drank solid afternoons, and every night.

Did all the drugs, except the hard stuff, had a real bad trip on LSD, but would recommend the coming down as excellent.

I drink every night, because I have a constant whistling in my head, like the old jet engine of my younger years.

My love is music to drown out the whistling, but the whistling is numbed down by music, I love the stuff.

Alcohol needs moderation, and even at christmas, I just drink the same, and never in the afternoon.

ste
 
I spent my 21st birthday in a cell after drinking too much.

I've used alcohol and drugs to numb out, I did that for years. It didnt work.

Now I have faced 90% of my demons I follow the maxim USE, NOT ABUSE.

I need to be in control, after so many years of not being in control. So I drink when there is occasion to, I smoke pot when there is a need or an occasion to. However, I CAN and DO abstain for long periods.

For example, I have not smoke any pot (or tobacco)for 7 months. I have not drunk alcohol for 2 weeks.

I will be drinking tonight at dinner with some friends and a week on monday I will smoke some fine hashish in Amsterdam.

Everyone is different, I never relied on Doctors meds, I used hash and marijuana to help me cope. That doesnt work for everyone, but after years of struggle I discovered it was the only thing that worked for me.

I have not taken any hard drugs for a long time. They are MUCH MCUH harder to only use, with them abuse happens very quickly.

I concur with STE - The LSD comedown is excellent, I've had religious experiences and is why I took so much of the stuff, not for the high itself, but for the 3 or 4 hour comedown.

Peace...
 
Larry
I guess I drink a bit too much, at least that's what my doctor tells me when I lie to him about how much I actually drink!

I feel that I now drink for the 'right' reasons though, if there is such a thing?
These days I don't get hammered like I used to when I was in my 20's, much like you did, I now drink until I feel slightly merry then stop. And if I don't drink then I don't miss it.

My fear is though, that I could very easily slip into alcohol dependency.
There's already more than enough alcoholics in my immediate family, and it's stress related problems that has provoked their drinking, they all started to relieve the stress their lives placed upon them.
Somehow the experience of others, the knowledge we already have, and the intelligence of the individual are just not enough to make the warning signs obvious to us, that's the bit that scares me. I know that I have an addictive personality and some addictions already, so am I playing with fire by having a large glass of wine or a couple of beers every night?

I'v only just discovered this week about one very close member of our family being addicted, and suddenly I see a different perspective.

Dave
 
Today, I am off to Newcastle to get slowly drunk on real ale! It is the first time in 3 months that I will have drunk so much. It will probably end with a few vodkas. Real ale only makes me feel tired the next day, no bad head,so I shouldn't suffer too much.

In general, I don't drink anywhere as much as I used to.

When I was younger, I used to get drunk every night. This eased off gradually as I got older to only getting drunk on a weekend and having a few drinks at home through the week.

Since the court case ended in March, I drink significantly less. I even have a full wine rack.

I drink for pleasure now, not to drown! Strange thing is, I feel more tired on a morning now if I haven't had a drink the night before?

Best wishes...Rik
 
I have had something on my mind, and this thread seemed like a good place to start: I miss weed. I smoked almost every day my last year of college, to the point where i started to sell to support my smoking habit. I would drink on the weekends, normally not too heavily, but smoking was a must. I've recently graduated, and kicked the weed cold turkey. It sucks. I miss the comfort I used to feel when me and my best friends would get high together and just chill. I miss the happy place that I would go to, when all of my issues seemed so far away. The only problem was that sometimes when i would come down off the high, I would feel intense pain for sometimes days at a time. I would be on the verge of tears for no reason. Sometimes I swore that I could physically feel other people's pain. When it became too overwhelming, i would smoke again. Even though I'm not smoking anymore, I think about it every day, and I am afraid of what else I might find myself getting into.
 
i like weed
i used to steal my moms and she never knew :)

i used to steal stepdads beer and would drink so i wouldnt feel nothing when my stepbro & his friends came aftr me but then i got caugt and it was bad :eek: so i didnt do it anymore aftr
what he did.
but i like it but i cant buy it legal yet
 
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