Survivor Story

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Survivor Story

BrokenGhost

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I grew up as a twiggy Jew in a very Christian town. My father was an alcoholic who would occasionally, in fits of rage, beat me. I had two sisters who he never touched, so I was confused. I struggled learning in school, and as a result kids picked on me--nothing new. Sometimes I would find swastikas on my locker, but that was rare. I would more often be called a christkiller, kike, hebe or a rat. Despite this and rigorous encouragement from my parents to fight back and defend myself, I did not. I have a twin sister who was very clear on maintaining a certain social status which I undermined. As expected, my friend group grew to be very small. It came down to myself and four non-Jews (we use the term "Gentiles") who would let me come over and play video games with them because video games weren't allowed in my household--nor was TV. I was terrified of my father when he got home from work and constantly ashamed of letting down my mother so I avoided going home and embraced these gentiles. One of them who was particularly wealthy started having a lot of sleep overs when we were 11 and 12, during which I would usually sit and play video games while the rest of them "rough-housed" (I honestly didn't pay much attention) in the next room over (I said this kid was rich). One day I got a call from one of those friends telling me not to go to the sleep over that night. He was adamant about it, but I didn't listen. As soon as it got dark, the ringleader wanted to go to the playroom, which was next to his bedroom. I was playing video games alone when I heard "Jesus loves me this I know, cuz the bible tells me so" come from the ringleader (whose house it was) I thought my friend was just joking and I had grown thick skin. But before I knew it he had closed the door behind him and tackled me. I struggled, but he had my face pinned to the carpet and was a good deal bigger than any of us. He called in the other two and had them watch as he grabbed my penis and pulled it until I yelped, and then he forced me onto my stomach and did the same thing with my balls. He didn't listen to our friends who were getting worried. One told him to stop and he hit him very hard. He told them to grab my penis and they did. I never got hard, which made him very mad so he would hit me. I got away without any penetration that night but I was bleeding.

I didn't know what'd just happened, and I was to afraid to ask my parents about it and didn't trust my siblings. So when I was invited over to sleepover the following weekend I went. This time penetration occurred. I can still feel their hands inside of me, I can still smell what the room smelled like, I can still see the dim light. He jumped me when I was asleep in my sleeping bag, so to this day (I'm 21) I can't sleep without being sitting up, facing the door, and with the lights on. I experienced these assaults a few more times until at school one day he cornered me in the bathroom. I had started to grow. All I wore was black sweats and oversized hoodies. My parents and teachers had noticed a serious emotional shift in me which they attributed to puberty. I told him "Do whatever, I don't give a fuck." This made him very mad, as it was a real power thing with him. He hit me across the face and my nose started to bleed. I snapped and beat him up. He had turned around to walk out or grab something--I don't know. But I punched him in the back of the head and then threw him into the toilet where I kicked him repeatedly. I was suspended for two weeks out of school and two weeks in school.

I didn't talk to anyone until this past summer, when a PTSD episode that my mother witnessed compelled her to ask questions. I wrote more about this in my introduction.
 
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