Survivor questions re: sexuality and intimacy

[taofish]

So.. as I'm new to all this (as of January)... I am flooded every day with thoughts and questions and I hope that some survivors might respond but I also welcome feedback from partners.
very briefly... newly married to 60 year old who I suspect is csa survivor - he had LOTS of partners, men and women in the past and has admitted the encounters with men.
Sometimes there is ED and he also has issues being sexual AND intimate. Given his age - the ED could be a function of that - but I realize it could also be the sexuality/intimacy conflict as well as aspects of the CSA.
So, here are my questions...

Do you trust your penis?

If your libido decreased with age and you felt relief from some urges that bothered you, would you be reluctant to take testosterone for fear that it would bring those urges back?

Is being loved for YOU and not feeling like you are being loved for your penis or sexuality an issue?

Also - any feedback specific to sexuality v intimacy and how you are dealing with it would be great.
Thanks to all in advance.

 

[taofish]

I hope the title doesn't upset anyone! I was hoping that some survivors would weigh in.

 

[dark empathy]

Hi Taofish, it seems odd to me that I'm even able! to answer this topic considering I've suffered genophobia for years, but thanks to my lady i now feel able to.

First, for me, genophobia, that is fear of s/x (I even now dislike the word), was a major thing. There was no mystery as to where this was from at all, sinse my abuse involved public humiliation and gang rape and a lot of crude s/xual humour.
I was afraid of two major things, firstly, my own responses and my discomfort, and secondly hurting someone else in the way I'd been hurt.

I made love (voluntarily at least), for the first time in november with my lady (now my fiance), and our relationship is now very physical, however the most helpful thing with dealing with my genophobia is that actual intercourse is only part of a lot more very honest, very gentle, very loving physical communication, sleeping together, cuddling, holding hands, caressing each other etc.

Thus lovemaking has always been just part of something else, not a thing in and of itself.

As to your specific questions, I can certainly say my own erection has always discomforted me, however sinse my lady knows about the abuse and my genophobia she can reassure me at those points, that I won't! hurt her, and that there's nothing to be ashamed of, indeed the fact we can now be open about the abuse even in intimate situationsis extremely helpful.

As to Libido, well that's unusual. Up until very recently I hated my libido and mastervated regularly (often very regularly), to keep it in check. Now, my lady is showing me ways it can be a source of love and give her! a great deal of pleasure, so at this point I'd probably feel differently if things changed, albeit it wouldn't changed the fact that I love my lady and she loves me or most of what we do physically.

So I'm not sure how it is in your case, but certainly for me I'm actually finding the hoary old cliche is true and giving and recieving love honestlyis the thing that helps most. No, my genophobia isn't gone, but both my lady and I have been surprised just how quickly simple love between us overcame it.


Hth.

Luke.

 

[taofish]

wonderful! thank you, Luke....
we are working on it. Normally, he offers to rub my back etc and it is lovely. He is learning to be more affectionate just for the sake of affection - not necessarily leading to sex. It seems like in the past - that affection made him flinch or had to lead to sex for him... but he is becoming more relaxed. I am affectionate in the mornings - even knowing that 98% there isn't going to be any sex... but it has been one way... I rub his head, tummy, legs, chest etc - which he enjoys - but hasn't reciprocated until yesterday... he rubbed my back for a while and then I asked him to rub the front - kind of like I do for him. He did and funny - for someone who has had SOOOoo much sex, it seemed kind of foreign to him.. the couple of times we had sex with him on top in the past - he seems like maybe he has always just gone straight for the thrusting.... missing out on so much!
anyway, it was just a frontal massage without being sexual. He seemed to warm up to it and enjoy it and I know I did.
Baby steps, I guess.

 

[taofish]

and ps... really encouraging note.. and I am super happy for you and your lady friend.

 

[Acorn2Oak]

Hi Taofish,
Male survivor here.

"If your libido decreased with age and you felt relief from some urges that bothered you, would you be reluctant to take testosterone for fear that it would bring those urges back?"

Interestingly, just started taking herbal supplements with that in mind. However, if I weren't partnered, not sure I would bother as it is more for her than me. Though being partnered, we don't engage often due to my issues around the matter especially lack of libido. Libido itself doesn't seem to be the issue for me, though it can be distracting. It's more whether it is or can be directed in a way I can manage. Would rather not feel it if cant do anything about it (in a way that feels right for me). And these days, such instances are indeed rare due to ongoing CSA issues. Also, if it were ONLY a question of libido and not the multitude of sometimes intense and confusing other emotions and trauma memories associated with it, it wouldn't be such an issue. As it is, I literally can't feel aroused and not also feel triggered to some degree which can shut me down instantly. Though actually these days I rarely feel aroused, I think, due to CSA issues. But there may be other reasons I don't yet realize.

"Is being loved for YOU and not feeling like you are being loved for your penis or sexuality an issue?"

YES, absolutely! And, I have a very hard time believing I'm loved since not able to accommodate ALL her preferences. I try to make up for it in other ways. One small addition: a never felt loved for my penis. I did however feel that to be loved, accepted, etc depended on how well I used it. Not that experienced, actually, but definitely had used that "skill" as a way to validate myself assuming numerous other (I think common relationship) criteria were met. The attitude I had most of my life is: My "job/role" is to make her feel good in that way. That's all that matters and my acceptance and continued relationship absolutely depends on that. And I did feel good making her feel good. But I couldn't think of it in terms of ME feeling good or I couldn't/can't perform. today if she wants ME to feel good, to do things to make me feel good, I instantly freeze and go numb.

"Also - any feedback specific to sexuality v intimacy and how you are dealing with it would be great."

This may negate previous comments, but for me physical s/x is almost irrelevant if the heart/emotional connection (some might say "chemistry") and rapport in other ways is there. I am capable of feeling significant connection with someone I'm emotionally close to (oddly, not as intensely in current relationship, for which I'm both grateful and dismayed) regardless of physical proximity. However I do very much appreciate the level and kind of connection we share. It validates me in a way I most certainly never got as a kid and helps me see myself as more than a tool or toy and that I matter to her for more than what I can do for her. that sense of connection somehow manages to get through the filters and feels safe, comfortable and supportive.

For me, emotional intimacy as I understand it is FAR more important, far more valuable, far more real and relevant than s/x. For me, such rapport is more stable, comprehensive, dependable and far less dependent on my physical condition or circumstances. Physical s/x or other physical activities (massage, etc) is for me an expression of affection, appreciation, not the cause of such feelings. It is most certainly not the only way available to me nor neccessarily always a priority. anyway, for what it may be worth, my two cents. Hope it helps.

 

[taofish]

Wow! thank you for all the insight... I really appreciate it.
most of your post goes right along with what I sense is going on... one line, "if she wants ME to feel good, to do things to make me feel good, I instantly freeze and go numb." really caught my attention - as this seems to be the case with him...he is very well regarded and from the outside - everything thinks he is on top of the world... but his self esteem is not good. And the way you describe it is perfect. he is letting me do more and more for him... though sometimes, it seems to make him feel inadequate or something. I've been through a lot of my own crap so I don't do something for someone with an agenda... I just want to love him to love him.
such a complex issue and makes me more and more angry at whoever did this damage.

 

[Acorn2Oak]

Thank you for saying, Taofish. Glad something I shared was helpful. If I may, in response to something you shared: "I just want to love him to love him." Reading such a comment really touches my heart. My GF has said similar things to me. It is extremely hard to grasp the concept though. While my heart or some part of my inner self is saying YES please, it's as though I (all the other parts) refuse to believe it and dare not accept it, though I can actually see the evidence in some ways. And yet, I could actually say the same thing in regard to her. I love to express the love/appreciation I feel for her. It's so weird. Hang in there. He's a lucky guy!

 

[Acorn2Oak]

Oh, one more thing, if i may: "it seems to make him feel inadequate or something." Absolutely true for me too. Inadequate, yes, and more especially in my case, what did I do for her to be THAT nice to me? (unknown/scary) and/or what's this going to cost me? anything nice as a kid ALWAYS always came at a price that I was NEVER ever able to adequately pay... and for which I was then punished one way or another. Of course, their demands were way unrealistic, but I didn't know that at the time.

In my case, there is also the shame/guilt for needing/wanting anything -- shame to experience the feeling of need/want and the fear to admit it -- great torture dangling that treat forever out of reach. When they knew I wanted something, that's exactly what they did. Receiving with care and respect from an open heart is not part of my childhood experience. Besides, I am a guy, not supposed to want/need anything, just come when called, do as required (right the first time, without complaint of course), and otherwise stay the h*** out of the way.

 

[taofish]

lol... you could be his twin...
sounds just like him.
but all kidding aside, I asked him one time - before I even knew about all the other - what it would take for him to feel worthy of being loved, for him to let me love him... he just hung his head. I just said that I guessed I would have to just love him till he "got it".
it's damn hard though - not the loving him part - just the feeling shut out part.

 

[dark empathy]

@Taofish, some of both what you and Acorn say sounds very familiar.

I've always been capable of emotional love, I've known it, but the physical aspects of love have been to me something horrible, something disgusting. Part of me always assumed that physically, even basic affection such as rubbing someone's shoulders would always have an element of theft, that it would either be one person getting pleasure through touching another while they simply endured it, or one person being served and pleasured by someone else.

One thing my lady (who is now my fiance), noticed is that in August when we were first becoming close it took considerable effort and strain for me to even run one finger across her shoulder, quite a surprise given where we are now and how intensive our relationship is.

The thing that surprised me, not only when we made love but also when we started sharing physical affection is that it was a two way thing, that I got as much pleasure from touching her as she did, indeed my lady tells me she can know how much I love her through my hands.

Like Acorn, for me my libido is almost entirely separate from love. I can respond physically but mentally be in the wrong place, or it just isn't the right time, then again, that's probably normal. For us, love making always arises out of physical affection, indeed my lady has said the fact that there is no obligation and sometimes a massage or gentle caressing of each other turns! into love making (though there are plenty of times it doesn't), is something that surprises her.

There are points when she specifically sets out to make me feel good, either through love making or just through affectionate touch and massage, and I always feel slightly guilty, sinse I don't want her to lose anything of herself in pleasing me, though this is somewhat hippocrytical sinse I do know I myself gain great pleasure from just touching her even if only in a gentle, intimate way that doesn't lead to anything, as happens often, heck people have said being around us is somehwat overwhelming just because of how much we communicate through touch.

One thing I now realize however is that just as my fiance is a very naturally physical person who freely gives and recieves communication and affection from others (even friends), I probably am that way as well, or at least would always have been if it weren't for my mind gnumming fear of hurting someone, indeed I've told my lady sometimes I feel as though i have blades on my fingers and anyone I touch, especially anyone female will be cut, even if they're too polite to say so.

It's a learning process certainly, but it's one I think will work out and is working itself out.

One thing that does help, is that she's encouraged me to discuss even the physical aspects of things in a gentle, none crass and completely honest way, she's told me what she likes in terms of touch and encourages me to say what I would like as well, whether it's in full lovemaking or just when holding hands or caressing each other, in the same way we've come upon a few physical triggers, mostly to do with grabbing and violent movements, though sinse my lady knows my abuse history she's being extremely patient.

As to feeling loved, one odd thing about me and one reason I do love my lady is that for some strange reason I know! she loves me. I have no idea why, I don't know what is in me that she loves or even finds physically attractive, ---- I've described us as beauty and the beast previously.

I've always assumed there was some contingent reason why people liked me. My friends were my friends because they! are nice people who tolerate me, my parents love me because they're my parents etc. With my lady that isn't the case. there is no reason why! she should love me, indeed sometimes she gets almost cross (about the only time she becomes semi irritated with me), when she lists what she believes are my fine qualities and why she loves me and I just can't! see them (sometimes I think the man she describes feels like someone else).

However for all of that I know! she loves me. I feel it, I feel safe with her, I don't feel she'd ever hurt me, though frighteningly enough i know if she ever did I'd not mind, heck I am amazed she trusts herself with me or that she's traveled two thousand miles from the states just to be with me.

So I can say for me honesty, affection and gentleness are all the things that help most.

I suppose part of me might always feel as though I'm worthless, but I know when I'm with my lady it doesn't matter, indeed when I'm with her I don't feel diseased or worthless or broken.

Btw, we're getting married later this year.

 

[Acorn2Oak]

LOL, Taofish, well... glad I'm not alone ... and sorry anyone else has to deal with that. I can relate to the pain of feeling shut out as well. Sad, disheartening, and perhaps a bit frustrating. In AA, back in the day, they had a saying, We'll love you until you can love yourself. Seems that's the real key... as I love myself, I am able to accept love from others. Self-love/acceptance validates and accepts the appropriateness of receiving love from others. It's a match and thus, "normal." Shame has the opposite effect because it's not a match.

Not real successful yet in all this myself, apparently, but progressing. By "love" I could just as easily say: self-acceptance, non-judgment, appreciation, etc. I suspect the difficulty lies not only in the basic shame dynamic, but that it's layer upon layer of embedded conditioning that occurred over formative years. Perhaps thin, tough, and tightly packed layers. So progress seems slow/small when it occurs, but every little bit helps and sometimes a little goes a long way.

In my case, it appears that love simply available is easier to accept than love offered. If I feel someone's love or that they are genuinely loving, it's easier to be open to them. (though even if someone is, I can't say I always feel it.) Holding that love space is more of an internal attitude thing than actions or words. Sometimes if I can't accept love offered, it feels like just another failure and reason to feel ashamed, inadequate, etc. However, love that's just on the table, available but not "imposed" gives me the choice. Also allows me to get comfortable with its presence. Like an unfamiliar puppy in the room. Don't hand it to me. After all, it may be all cute cuddly and fluffy, but I've been bitten before. However, once I get used to it and see that it really won't bite, I may just go pick it up on my own. Make sense?

BTW, if I repeat myself here, my apologies, but I've found EMDR and EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) to be relative fast, comfortable, and extremely helpful in clearing old trauma. Lots of info online, even demonstrations of EFT on youtube. Hey, if it can work for combat veterans, it can work for CSA too. Thanks for listening. Thanks for caring. Sometimes, just feeling truly heard makes all the difference.

 

[taofish]

You guys are wonderful... thank you so much for giving me a lifeline. Truly... hearing it from you as opposed to me guessing what is going on or reading theory about it in a book, well, it's just much more genuine and I have an easier time relating to your feelings and how they might be similar to his. Again, so much of what you say seems to really fit.
DE - man! what you wrote is right on! This sounds just like him... he's in a industry where he knows a LOT of people and appears very outgoing, gracious host etc... but once we were close, his lack of self worth and not understanding why I love him became clear. I am really thankful for all the work that I have done on me - so that I can be a safe place, that I can be non-judgmental and so that I can give love in a really healthy way. AGain- childhood junk made that an issue when I was younger.
And congrats on your upcoming nuptials!!! that is awesome!

Acorn - yes - that makes total sense... most of the time, I treat him like a deer... I just make sure he feels safe... all of the soul food is out and I sit quietly for him to approach - no sudden movements... lol
and yet, when things are awry, I gently state my boundaries while affirming my love for him.
Anyway... you guys have been so helpful and help me feel less shut out.
As a scientist - my natural inclination is to rip things open, dissect them, catalog them, analyze them and write a report... because I seek to understand....lol!
Obviously, this is a whole different ball game. I have my own lessons in patience and autonomy here.

 

[dark empathy]

@Acorn, I'm afraid that "Only when you learn to love yourself can you truly love others" maxim is one that has never been true for me.
I do not, have not, and possibly never will love myself. I can recognize that my feelings of being worthless, diseased, broken, uggly, a failure etc are caused by the abuse, (heck my abuse as a teenager was all about insult). I even call this part of myself shadow, the part that hates myself and resents others. However, I've always known! I was capable of love. I fell in love several times, sincerely and truly with the person, if the person was male they became a very close friend, if female I fell in love so badly it physically hurt (it was the third of these crashes that started me on recovery in 2007).

Personally, emotionally and even romantically I've always known! I was capable of love. On an emotional level however, I always believed I was unloveable, was monstrous, a beast, (no wonder I always felt a real kinship with characters like the phantom of the opera of the hunchback of notrodam).

On a physical level I always believed I was gross, uggly, disgusting, and any attempt at basic physical affection, even none s/xual would be an assault by me. I had many nightmares of being accused of abusing someone. The idea that someone might want! to be close to me emotionally, and indeed physically is one that amazes me.

With my lady however, there is something that I just can't deny. Heck she said the same is for her. I don't know whether it's devine inspiration, chemistry or what, but there is this rock hard certainty that she loves me, for all it is, and probably always will be a miracle to me.

When she says I'm kind, gentle, frighteningly intelligent, or even physically attractive, it just seems as though she's speaking of someone else, indeed sinse by an irony my lady has a similar complex herself (she thought that nobody could ever want her, even me sinse she's nine years older), I'm experiencing it the other way around too, albeit I think she is a little more positive and easier about herself than I am (another fact I admire about her).

As a philosophy student (just finishing my doctorate), I appreciate the scientific method, however in theoretical terms at this point I've found for myself it's better to treat things almost as a contemplated cooperative art form, like a dance or a musical duette. Empathy, intuition, willingness for us both to follow the other and understand the rythms we're in, with a good healthy serving of honesty about technique, indeed sinse my lady and I are both singers and stage performers this is quite a natural form of understanding to us, perhaps one reason we click so much among many others.

I won't say it's all good. There are fits of anxienty, particularly for me around my inexperience, and for my lady around her fear that she's taking too much, but we both know where each other is coming from, indeed the gentle honesty with which we can share sometimes rather intimate details or ask questions is almost astounding, (yesterday I shocked my lady by asking a question about female anatomy which I simply didn't know! but which was very basic to her).

So no, not easy, but very possible with the right feelings and a lot of honest, and for me none crass communication.

I hope some of this helps.

Btw, one thing my lady and I are doing, something she told me about which i suggested doing together is reading Alex Comfort's the new joy of s/x and discussing it along the way. Sinse the book is very deffinitely not! crass, albeit quite explicite in parts, and sinse my lady is often able to fill in details I don't know, this is a surprisingly healing experience for me and helps with the communicative aspects of lovemaking.

I'm not sure if this would help you, but as someone who suffered, and probably still has some residual genophobia (especially around my fear of hurting my lady), this has been a very useful thing to try.

 

[Acorn2Oak]

Hi D E. Sounds like you have a great relationship with your lady and a really awesome opportunity to heal/grow/progress. I could say I envy you that. Odd thing is, I may be in a situation with similar potential and not yet realize it.

You make some good points. Like you, I have always thought of myself as being able to give love in some ways, even seem wired for it, just not able to receive love so easily if at all. I found for me, accepting/loving myself was required for me to be able to RECEIVE love though. Just my perspective of my experience -- definitely not assuming or implying that it applies to anyone else. It just seemed to relate to Taofish's posts.

Taofish, your appreciation and the way you articulate it is very meaningful to me. It tells me that at least something about me matters and that regardless of whatever flaws I may have, I still have something worthwhile to offer.

A scientist, eh? Can't claim that distinction myself (based on my understanding of the word) but know all about the analyze, dissect and especially want to understand part. It can be fun and fascinating or at least very gratifying. I suspect that whatever growth you have achieved serves you well in your life and relationship. Very cool! And admirable! Thank you again for your validation and appreciation of my perspectives. Means a lot to me.

 

[dark empathy]

@Acorn, fare enough, different people have different journies. My lady told me quite honestly (and truthfully), that in her opinion what I needed was to know! that I could! be loved.

For me, one of the things that hurt most, was that my abuse left me with a sense of worthlessness that was impossible to counter. Whatever arguements or rationalizations or meditations I made to myself, I always came up against the same hole, that ultimately the closest most intimate contact I'd had with another person was while being as broadly and absolutely reviled (it went further than simple insult), as it's possible to be.

It always hurt, and I mean physically hurt! that the closest anyone had ever wanted to be to me was while spitting in my face. whatever rationalizations I made, this was a truth that just couldn't be escaped.

The most I did in recovery was recognizing this rationally, saying "Well that might be how I! feel but that's not necessarily the truth", however this is a difficult position to maintain when you've got nothing to back it up. After all, all those friends I thought I had made when I was younger had gone off and got wrapped up in their own lives (and spouses), and I was pretty much forced to be alone just by virtue of who I was.

So for me, "being loved" and learning that I was capable of being loved was a major deal. Maybe in the future I will change how I think of myself I don't know, but I know where I am now.

Also, I never understood that in terms of intimacy, making love could! be an expression of love. people can tell you these things, but you actually don't know until you've experienced it.

One of my most major fears has been that I'd hurt someone, that I'd force a woman to go through what I did. I used to think even if I as much as held a woman's hand or gave her a hug I was pawing her, a potential rapist. I used to have nightmares on the subject.

However learning that physical touch can be a way of showing how much I love someone was, and still is, an astounding surprise, particularly when I realized just on a physical level how much pleasure my fiance gets from being with me, either making love or just massage and such.

I really hope your own situation goes well too and develops into something like this, sinse it's the most profound peace I've ever known, and according to my lady, the same is true for her.

 

[taofish]

Dark - I loved your line - "contemplated cooperative art form" as that is a great way to participate in an increasingly safe way - sounds like something I might do, mentally, in order to move forward.
Acorn! You are welcome! I really honor and value the perspectives that you and Dark have chosen to share - isn't it funny that sometimes (especially when we have remnants issues from childhood) that we can "hear" something from others when we can't hear it from our partner... so, when you guys offer feelings, scenarios or perspectives - I can hold them and accept them as genuine and help me to understand him... between his (so far) inability to articulate his past and his feelings about it, put together with my own hypervigilance and self-protection due to my own childhood issues - I was feeling like I was in a swamp at midnight... not sure where to step next, not sure whether to trust what I thought I saw or what might be happening... anyway, y'all are helping me map my way in the swamp. I really appreciate your willingness to share and your insight into your journey. It has helped me relax and move forward. Thank you both

 

[Acorn2Oak]

Taofish. Thank you. Glad I had something of consequence to offer. Swamp at midnight indeed! I definitely know how challenging it can be, when I want to understand, and can't for one reason or another seem to get any useful feedback/perspectives within the situation. My own partner is pretty "self-contained" (her words). Though she wants me to share fully and freely and be "vulnerable", she doesn't seem to be and never really talks about herself but in the vaguest of terms, even about casual, superficial, everyday stuff. So I never really know where she stands or how she's feeling/thinking about anything. So sharing with you and others in this way is truly a gift and is about all the connectedness I get to feel. But then, the only reason that works is that you are being present and honest in sharing about your process and I can feel that you are sincere in your desire to relate to him. Such a thing is to be cherished and nurtured. And since I feel I can also relate to him, and know how special it would be to have someone relate to me in the way you're wanting to relate to him, I felt compelled to share. I sincerely wish you both well because I believe you have the potential for something amazing and real, and in part because the potential I see in your relationship is something I want for myself ... ironically, because I'm so much like him, and you, seems to me, are such a rare gem, I'm not sure I would ever have the opportunity. And if I did, would I be any more able to accept it? Hmm, well then I might have to post a request for perspectives on here myself, LOL.

 

[taofish]

You make a GREAT point! When I first found out and even before I brought it up to him... I was confiding in a very dear friend of mine - someone who I can count on to be present and to exercise absolute discretion... also - it doesn't hurt that she's a therapist and LGBT. Anyway... I needed feedback and I wanted to really meditate on the situation and my feelings before I talked to him... she gave me a lot of really great things to think about... but one that stands out and relates to your post is this... she told me, "be as honest as you want him to be"... meaning, not only truthful, but also willing to be vulnerable and expose my own feelings and thoughts on my own past, my own childhood and the situation at hand. One of my insights that I shared with him - and one of the reasons our semi-sexless situation made me fearful - was that I realized in the past, i had always made a point of being "better in bed" than my partner - my skill allowed me to feel less likely that i could get hurt. I put a lot of value on being desired. So, in a situation where I did not feel desired - even though logically I know that it doesn't really have anything to do with me - well, it leaves me feeling insecure. However, realizing that I would also have to be vulnerable for he and I to move forward was an insight that I felt like I needed to share with him. Don't get me wrong, feeling like he does not desire me is still really difficult for me to take, but being more conscious about why I need to feel desired helps. I hope that makes sense.

I too, tend to be rather "self-contained"... but I also realize that this can serve as a defense mechanism or way to protect myself. I do give great advice and am compassionate - but I realize if I expect him to get emotionally naked, I'm going to have to do it too.
Really helped me realize that I have my own lessons in this.
Check out Brene Brown... there are some really wonderful vids on youtube - particularly the one on vulnerability and one on shame - there is another one on one of Oprah's websites on Trust which is also good.
Like I said... whoa! I still have work to do... and I am grateful.
Thank you again - so much for your insight. It helps me feel less alone in this swamp.

 

[afraidofmyvoice]

sex and intimacy are broad and complicated topics in and of themselves, combine with a history of abuse, they can be confusing and overwhelming, and at times unpredictable. the best advice I can offer is continually communicating, and not having to 'get anything right'. who knows what may happen (for the better)? being willing to stop, talk, do something else, come back to the activity, just hold each other, etc. So many approaches as you all continue to build intimacy and trust in your relationship. Encouraging him to voice his feelings, or asking about the effects of your words and actions is useful. Sometimes memories or surprising feelings feel so 'unspeakable' it can be paralyzing. Continuing to reduce pressure and recognizing sex as one of many (if superlative!) ways to have fun or express love can be a useful approach. Information via books and healthful advice from professionals are good to have, too. Best of luck! Take your time and enjoy being with each other, in as many aspects of life as you can.