Survivor Progression

Survivor Progression
B

beautifuldisaster

Registrant
I have a question. I am on this board a couple of times a day and am pretty new here.
I see different steps in the survivor process in the words of the survivors themselves, and the f/f in asking for help in regards to what is going on presently with the survivor in their life.
I know each survivor is different, different situations and different coping skills. I am just wondering if there is a GENERAL pattern that is followed in the healing process?
For instance, when someone you loves dies...there is a GENERAL grieveing process. Even though you might skip a step, or one step or the other may be more intense or less intense....there is a general pattern to be expected.
I think that would be so critical in the survivors process of healing, and equally so for the support person in that persons life. Sometimes just the shock of being blind-sided vs. prepared can make all the difference.
Thank you


I AM THE MASTER OF MY DREAMS-
I AM THE CAPTAIN OF MY SOUL-
 
This is something that I have also considered.

There are those, my memory fails me so I want guess at the name, who feel that the same stages of grief, some say they are 5, are applicable to the process of recovery from sexual abuse.

Generally, they are

Denial,

Anger,

Bargaining

Depression

Acceptance

I then would add one more stage.....

Forgiveness

I believe this discussion is in Mike Lews book, Victims No More

A couple of caveats: These stages were originally proposed by Kubler-Ross on Death and Dying.

There has been much revision, discussion, expansion and rebutting done since then. Still the 5 stages got stuck in popular conciousness and well, you know how that goes.......;-)

I find them helpful in trying to figure out where I am sometimes, sort of a marker to use to try to move forward and progress toward healing.

Hope this helps you some.

Regards,
 
Danny,
Thank you for your help.
First, I love to read your postings...they have been so insightful, you open up and let us look into the mind of a survivor.
Second, you are an amazing writer! I think you have a future in this.......
Reading your posts are near to reading poetry! You remind me of the prophet Isaiah, he wrote in a manner that was lyrical.

I may have missed this, is there a reference area on this site anywhere that would have such information posted?
I think that would be incredibly helpful......
FOR EVERYONE!

Take care, you are in my thoughts.
 
The drop down menus at the top of the page will direct you to articles and reference information on the site. Some links will take you offsite, but there is much to learn right here.

My advice would be to read what you can, sometimes we find what we're looking for where we least expect it, and you can always ask questions here.

My other advice would be to do a search specifically on secondary survivors. It does help to have your own feelings acknowledged in a general sort of way.
 
The other thought that I have had is that many folks find guides through the recovery process in the famous 12 Steps, which were originally used by alcoholics to get sober.

There is a specific book--kind of Christian leaning, if I remember--for male survivors recovering from the effects of sexual abuse called the 12 steps for male survivors.

I understand that the survivors of incest groups also use some form of the 12 steps.

For the survivor specifically there seems to be some difficulty in admitting that we are 'powerless' over the sexual abuse (and its effects), the first step in recovery process for alcoholics.

Personally I find much good and useful in the twelve step program for families and friends of alcoholics, known as the Al-Anon Family Groups, or just Al-Anon for short.

All these recovery programs depend heavily on a spiritual dimension and learning to rely on a Higher Power.

Some folks don't like this at all--then follow the standard advice given, "Take what you like and leave the rest.".

Still one of the standard bits of Al-Anon wisdom seems to be very appropriate for family and friends of survivors of sexual abuse.

Known as the three "C"s, they are used as a sort of mantra to help let go of that feeling of
over responsibility that happens when we are faced with such seemingly intractable problems in a loved one such as alcoholism, drug addiction, over eating and the effects of being sexually abused.

The 3 C's are:

I didn't cause it (the sexual abuse).

I can't control it (the effects of the abuse).
and

I can't cure it. (the sundry pathologies associated with sexual abuse).

Some of us go on to add a 4th C, which is

What is my contribution? (to the situation involving the survivor of abuse.)

This brings the focus back to where I feel I can actually make constructive changes, which is in me and my attitudes.

As for me, I have found much that is very useful in the 12 steps. Their extreme practicality, they are called 'tools' to be used to help recovery, seems much more useful than many more esoteric discussions.

I feel that there is still much investigation and work to be done toward a formulated program of suggestions that can be applied to solving the difficulties faced my male survivors.

This is an area of great interest to me and working towards this goal remains very important to me.

Thanks for asking the question. I know that I have perhaps hit all around the answer, and maybe there will be a bullseye in there for you or someone else.

The 12 steps do not need my endorsement, their power speaks for itself. I will say they help me a lot.

Regards,
 
I just wanted to keep this at the top.....I try to look at it every day to remind me to focus, and not get lost in the forest for the trees.

xo to all surviors and their wonderful insight to us blinded in the midst.
 
Okay, I can figure out all the steps in healing as they are pretty much self explanitory. I have been observing my hubby these days wondering if when going thru these stages you just sometimes take a break. I have seen the denial, the anger... However BARGAINING....what is that suppose to mean exactally????????????


Thanks again, you all are the best!
 
Bargaining is like when we might try to say, well if I go to church every week God, or give up porno, or coffee, or smoking or whatever Isn't directly the problem, then can I be spared the consequences of whatever the denial,etc, is all about.

I'm sure one of the guys can explain it better in the context of csa but that's just generally the way it goes. Usually it's thought of as the effort to bargain with God or whoever/whatever one's Higher Power is, offering to give up some other behavior or thing, to make some sacrifice in exchange for getting what we think we want at the time.......
 
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