Survivor Of SA From Women

[James_Is_Talking]

This is my first time posting here, I'm not to sure exactly what to write. Actually, I've told very few people about this and I've never posted anything before about my experiences. All I can remember is that through out my life I can remember this strange image running through my head, of sitting in a doctors office, and being taken advantage of by a female doctor. When I was twenty three I was seeing this girl (a short lived fling, just like the few others) and she was telling me about the sexual abuse she had experienced. We were sitting in a cafe, with friends of ours, they were all quite open talking about this stuff, and somehow I finally made the connection, this strange image in my head was a memory.

I don't know if this was repeated abuse, I'm pretty sure it only happened once. I've experienced other forms of abuse, I was strangled by my fourth grade catholic school teacher, who was also female, and when I left catholic school I was often verbally abused by many, mostly female teachers. I was frequently picked on, got into fights all the time, my whole experience of the education system was utter complete hell. I often broke the law and almost became addicted to crystal meth. Such was my life up until grade eleven, when I managed to develop a social life and started dating.

Recently I've had extremely disturbing dreams of very young children being sexually abused, in these dream I feel as though I'm being forced to watch and it's absolute torture. I'm a writer and I've dedicated my life to exposing these painful truths within myself in the hopes that I can tell other survivors about it, so that they don't have to feel as isolated as I have. But I can't even remember what I was feeling in these moments; it's all a blank. All I can see are the memories playing out in my head...and that's what scares me. Why can't I feel anything in relation to the memories?

I rarely have relationships or even sexual encounters, although I'm attracted to many women, I just can't bring myself to do anything about it. I've even fallen head over heals for a girl once, but I never said a thing. I just pent up all my passion deep inside because I can't deal with it, I don't feel like I can get close to anyone. And it's eating me up inside, it's like I'm destroying myself from the inside-out. It's not that I'm lonely, it's that I'm a very passionate man and yet I can't do anything about being attracted to a women. The more attracted I am, the more I close up. It's torture.

I also often experience disassociation and I experienced a period of severe depersonalization disorder for about three months in 1999. I'm currently experiencing disassociation again, I think as a result of having been mugged by five men in broad day light a few months ago.

Luckily, I come from a good family, I think that's helped me avoid becoming suicidal. I often thought about it, but for some reason I never acted on those thoughts.

I just don't feel like I can accomplish what it is that I know I could in life, if I don't start dealing with these memories.

 

[VN]

James,

I am not sure of what to say, other of I am very sorry what it happen to you. I just, your post, it catch at me, because much my sexual abuse, it was by my mother, for as many years I can remember. You will see it, that there is others here, they also been abused by women. Is not such the unheard thing, and sometime, I think the abuse I have of my mother, it affect me, how it is I am and think, different of other abuse I get from a man. I do not know if it is because it was a woman, or because it was my mother, but it do affect me some different. I am glad you find here, and I trust it, you are to get help here. Welcome.

VN

 

[roadrunner]

James,

I'm so sorry you have had these experiences but I'm glad you found us here. That first post is a scary one, isn't it?

Our abuse experiences are very different, but you will indeed find guys here - like VN - who know exactly what you are feeling and experiencing.

It helps to talk about things, but do get used to the site at your own pace and post as you feel comfortable. You will get a lot of support here.

Much love,
Larry

 

[Ken Singer LCSW]

James, if you are not seeing a competent therapist, there is an org in BC, (Victoria, I believe or maybe Vancouver) that specializes in working with male survivors. PM me and I will put you in touch with them.
Ken

 

[James_Is_Talking]

KS, I've never actually seen a therapist, so I suppose I'm self diagnosing. Regardless, the truth seems all to obvious. In fact, I'm kind of hesitant to start going into these memories with a therapist, I'm afraid of what else I might discover about things that were done to me.

I believe you might be referring to The British Columbia Society for Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse, based in Vancouver. I've just come across their website. If I get the chance, I'd like to attend their group therapy sessions.

VN, I know what you mean; I do feel as though my experiences are different from being victimized by men. I don't know why, but I've always been at the receiving end of so much abusive treatment from women, all through out my childhood. I'm dyslexic, I had teachers who knew this, but still they told me I was stupid, as well as trying to convince me of how I was bad or not as good at the same things that girls were because I was a boy. I don't know if other guys my age had similar experiences, of being dumbed down by pseudo-feminist teachers who felt like they could score points for women kind by mistreating children. My catholic school (ironically) was filled with women like this; I had a few in other schools and especially in high school.

Even when I got in trouble with the law when I was fourteen, when I went to court, my judge was a women, and she was especially harsh in my case. Why have all of my bad experiences always involved women? And by some miracle, I'm neither a misogynist nor am I against feminism.

I realize that not all of these experiences are necessarily sexual abuse. But I do feel like Im reliving something of my original experience with these women.

Thanks for the responses and your support, I greatly appreciate it.

 

[roadrunner]

James,

I hope you will give therapy some serious consideration; so many guys here will confirm the huge difference it has made in their lives.

We would also confirm that yes, it's intimidating and awkward at first. But remember that the T expects a new client to be apprehensive and will know that his/her first task will be to put you at ease and gain your trust - however long that takes. The T won't sit you down and straight away start hitting you with traumatic questions.

And it isn't a sign of weakness to see a T. It's a sign of strength and a proof that we are working towards an important goal - the ability to ask for what we need.

Much love,
Larry