Survivor married to a survivor
barelysurviving
New Registrant
I have been married for almost 17 years to another survivor. Is there anyone else out there in this situation. The self loathing and mistrust is very difficult to deal with.
Survivor married to a survivor
- Thread starterbarelysurviving
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Hello Friend,
Welcome to Male survivor. Sorry you needed this place, but it's good to have you on board.
I, like you, am married to a survivor. There have been times when mistrust was central, it seemed, to our relationship.
A lot of that was caused by the fact that many survivors lives are simply one big lie, denial of what happened. When a young boy is sexually abused, he develops various coping mechanisms that help him mask the pain. One of those can be telling himself that it didn't happen. Another thing that happens is that he learns to lie in order to protect himself from the shame of what's happened. Or he has to lie in order to protect his family, himself, or even his pets form threatened violence at the hands of his perpetrator.
As the years go by his entire life becomes one big lie, even after the need to lie has long since been removed. He carries that coping mechanism learned as a child straight through into his adult life, never realizing that he no longer needs it for self preservation. He finds himself going out of the way to tell an untruth in a given situation when it would have been easier and less painfull to tell the truth in the first place. This contributes to the mistrust you speak of.
The self loathing is a direct result of the shame heaped on him most often by the perpetrator himself. It comes in many forms but is always the perp's way of keeping the victim under his ultimate control. Add to that the messages the child picks up from society concerning such things as sexual promiscuity, homosexuality, etc., and the child naturally applies those things to himself as he deems it fitting and the shame and self loathing deepens.
He carries that with him also into his adult years, and combined with his "life of falsehood" it makes a deadly combination to sabatoge the intimacy of a relationship.
There is hope, Friend. Coming here and having the courage to post is a good step in the right direction. I would suggest counseling from a qualified Therapist who specializes in child sexual abuse issues for males for the husband as well as the same for females for the wife. It may be that you want the same therapist or a different one. I would also suggest mairrage counseling for the both of you together.
Seeking counseling is not an admission of failure or a thing to be ashamed of. It is a very courageous act that many people never face because they are too afraid. So a person who has the courage to admit that things are broken in their lives and seek the help they need is a hero in my estimation.
I know this has been a long response. Others probably could have made it shorter but then I've offered what I can.
I wish you the best in your search for healing. Hang around here with us, post when you wish, and just take it one step at a time. Don't feel too much pressure to do too much at once. It can get overwhelming if you do.
Lots of love,
John
Welcome to Male survivor. Sorry you needed this place, but it's good to have you on board.
I, like you, am married to a survivor. There have been times when mistrust was central, it seemed, to our relationship.
A lot of that was caused by the fact that many survivors lives are simply one big lie, denial of what happened. When a young boy is sexually abused, he develops various coping mechanisms that help him mask the pain. One of those can be telling himself that it didn't happen. Another thing that happens is that he learns to lie in order to protect himself from the shame of what's happened. Or he has to lie in order to protect his family, himself, or even his pets form threatened violence at the hands of his perpetrator.
As the years go by his entire life becomes one big lie, even after the need to lie has long since been removed. He carries that coping mechanism learned as a child straight through into his adult life, never realizing that he no longer needs it for self preservation. He finds himself going out of the way to tell an untruth in a given situation when it would have been easier and less painfull to tell the truth in the first place. This contributes to the mistrust you speak of.
The self loathing is a direct result of the shame heaped on him most often by the perpetrator himself. It comes in many forms but is always the perp's way of keeping the victim under his ultimate control. Add to that the messages the child picks up from society concerning such things as sexual promiscuity, homosexuality, etc., and the child naturally applies those things to himself as he deems it fitting and the shame and self loathing deepens.
He carries that with him also into his adult years, and combined with his "life of falsehood" it makes a deadly combination to sabatoge the intimacy of a relationship.
There is hope, Friend. Coming here and having the courage to post is a good step in the right direction. I would suggest counseling from a qualified Therapist who specializes in child sexual abuse issues for males for the husband as well as the same for females for the wife. It may be that you want the same therapist or a different one. I would also suggest mairrage counseling for the both of you together.
Seeking counseling is not an admission of failure or a thing to be ashamed of. It is a very courageous act that many people never face because they are too afraid. So a person who has the courage to admit that things are broken in their lives and seek the help they need is a hero in my estimation.
I know this has been a long response. Others probably could have made it shorter but then I've offered what I can.
I wish you the best in your search for healing. Hang around here with us, post when you wish, and just take it one step at a time. Don't feel too much pressure to do too much at once. It can get overwhelming if you do.
Lots of love,
John
Born to Resist
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