Survivor-Dealing with Dreams

Survivor-Dealing with Dreams
Hi OneWithStrength,
I also want to welcome you here. Sorry it has to be the profound sense of shame and pain that brings you here, it is the link we all have in comon that we had no choice other than learn to carry. It is our perpetrators that coersed un into carrying it by the nature of a trusting relationship. What we learned is that "trusting" and "relationship" cancel each other out. It is not supposed to be that way. You are welcome here as our individual paths converge on these pages. We have much to learn from each other in our time here. You are already a teacher. We teach each other our truths.
 
One With Strength:

Welcome to MS. I'm not glad for why you're here, but I'm glad you're here for why you're here. This is a great place for recovery, a true brotherhood of male survivors.

Just posting here took a lot of courage for you, and gives a lot of courage to us. Thanks.

Take care

Victor
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I am writing this to Bob, RJD, Jess and Victor. I am going to start by saying thank you very much for your replies. It helps me incredibly. Yesterday I didn't know what to expect out of this post. My mom woke me up this morning and told me to check it and at first I did not figure it was going to turn out like it did and I'm incredibly happy to know I am not alone.

To answer some of your replies, you are never too old to get by this. I might be only 25, but I feel like I'm 50 sometimes. All of us here obviously have the energy and the want to, to get through this shit, that the people we love the most, have put us through. There is no doubt in my mind that all of you in here are survivors just like me and also no doubt that we will all get through this shit together because now I see the love in this room and how much it can actually help me to hear other people with the same problems.

Most of my problems have resulted in me getting arrested, me getting kicked out of my home, losing jobs, shit, just call me "can't get right". All this shit because I haven't be able to see the real solution to my problems. The real solution is opening up my heart and letting all of you strangers know about who I am. Sometimes I just hate myself and wish I didn't have to go through this shit. I feel like a freak show, but it is okay because I found you all. Thanks.

No more excuses for myself. It is time to change.

Shaun
 
I once had a boss who told me I would cry at the opening of a K-Mart. It is a small exaggeration.Many of the posts here bring me to tears--it is good, cleans out my dry eyes. Thanks much.

Shaun, I hope that you can change those things you are saying to yourself. Shaun, you are a precious man who as a child had the worst thing possilbe happen to you. You are not fucked up. You are showing the evidence of a child who was harmed, nothing more or less.

I see us like a big mound of clay that we have been working on. It has no beauty--except in potency--in what it can and will become. We have to handle ourselves carefully or we wreck what we have already accomplished. We may change our minds several times before we know for sure what we want to make with the clay--ourselves.

Shaun, remember, there was a day when you were a beautiful, darling little baby. Everyone who looked at you wanted to hold you and kiss you and hug you close to them. You are still everybit as loveable as you were in those days of your infancy. You have been smashed and twisted and right now you just see the pile of clay. But believe me, your beautiful baby is in that mess, waiting for you to mold him into the fine man he has grown to be.

Dave and Mike and the guys who worked the streets. I worked them in a different way. You were driven to do what you did--you were going to do something and that is the way you went. There could have been MUCH MUCH worse ways to go--you know it. I have never meet a woman of the street who said she just loves going out and being purchased property. Everyone of my ladies had a story of the most god-awful things that drove them. I think that fancy call ladies might be different. But not the street folks.

The guys who used you probably needed you. Maybe some of them we cruds who just used you. But I am willing to bet that they truly apprecaited you and hated themselves because they needed to pay to feel someone, anyone, could show them anything that even vaguely approached affection or acceptance. Hard as it may be for you to see it, you have no idea what it is that you may well have kept them from--and for some, you may have saved their life on a night of extreme self-loathing.

I know you would puke if I told you I think you need to see that as very much less awful than you do. But it is how I feel.

I know you now, today. You are precious guys, wonderful men. We have had several guys who have posted here who did what you did. I just believe you can see that as a past that just was not a free choice for you. Today, today, you are great, loving courageous men. Let's celebrate that.

Dave, it sounds like you have a terrific wife. I hope I meet her someday if you are on this side of the pond.

Peace to all.

Bob
 
Today i called a counselor , i am on my way !!
I know it will be a long journey but i am so ready !! thanx Bob, quite inspiring words i too am a very emotional man it's all good !
me and my mom sit and cry on a good movie and i am nowhere near fem , we just have got good hearts , hang in there bob we are all on our way !!!!!
 
Great news OneWithStrength.

Sure are living up to your nickname.

Donald
 
Shaun - OneWithStrength,

Good for you, Shaun! I am very happy for you. You are on the right road. It took much courage for you to write your post here. It took a lot of courage for you to include your mom in what you are going through. It sounds like your mom is a wise, wonderful and supportive lady. You are very lucky you have her with you. Finally, you have shown great courage and have taken a great step in your own recovery by finding a therapist. You will find healing and recovery as you work with your therapist. Remember to share all the good things so that others can find encouragement from your successes. As they read your story they will also find the strength to face their own fears and start on their roads to recovery. We support each other around here. Be well, Shaun. Jess
 
Most of my problems have resulted in me getting arrested, me getting kicked out of my home, losing jobs, shit, just call me "can't get right". All this shit because I haven't be able to see the real solution to my problems. The real solution is opening up my heart and letting all of you strangers know about who I am. Sometimes I just hate myself and wish I didn't have to go through this shit. I feel like a freak show, but it is okay because I found you all. Thanks.
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Shaun, I could have written this about myself, right down to getting arrested, getting kicked out of more than one home (yes I took the advice of The Village People and spent some time at the Y-M-C-A!
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), losing jobs, and feeling like a freak, an outcast!
Shaun, my long-time theme song & favorite song has been "Couldn't Get It Right" by The Climax Blues Band!
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But like you I'm also finding the solution, learning not to hate myself, beginning to find love & support--and so much of it is right here! I'm glad you're finding it! I'm glad I found it!
:cool:

BTW, Shaun, I'm also glad you've found a counselor
and that you have a supportive mother. Nothing to take for granted, that's for sure--and I can tell you don't! Good for you.

No more excuses for myself. It is time to change.

Shaun
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Some good friends have been trying to get that across to me lately. So that goes for me too, Shaun. Thanks & Take Care. :)

Victor
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I would add.. change never happens until we are too uncomfortable to remain as we are.
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Exactly, Andrew--and I'm going from "comfortably numb" to "uncomfortably numbed"! The reality of my present pain is becoming greater than the imagined & probably unlikely future pain of the hard work, surgery & recovery my healing will require.
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Thanks for adding the good words Andrew. Take care.

Victor

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Good luck Victor! You deserve the best. You contribute so much to everyone else's recovery, that karma dictates your road will be a fast track to some peace and serenity. ... Andrew
 
this is like a good movie where we cry a bit and it has a happy ending.

The end is yet to come, but I think I might have seen this movie before.

Dave
PS. Vic' I like your taste in music, The Climax Blues Band are still gigging around these parts, and they're a blast to see live.
 
This to everyone who has posted. It does not matter whether you are 25 or 90 we are on the same road, each and every one of us. We are bound together by the commonality of what happened and in a kind of sad way that makes me happy to know you all. We are all brothers in this and keep remembering that WE WILL WIN no matter what. It does not matter where you are on the continuum in your recovery. What is important is that no matter what slips occur or roadblocks we are faced with we will perservere. To do otherwise THEY WIN. If you are young physically like OnewithStrength or older like myself we have bonded in a common purpose and that is to reach an inner peace with the child within us all.And OnewithStrength you may be young but are old well beyond your years in what you have had to endure. So are we all. Remember everyone that We support each other here without judgement and with compassion. Everytime one of us wins just a little bit we all take joy in the accomplishment. Someday we will all see the stars.
 
You guys are great man, really ! I do feel a significant bond with all of you for sure !!
there is just so much compassion and concern in all of you ! wow!!anyway, on with my update of myself ! i have a app. with a counselor on the 28th i am trying to get in sooner but just waiting on a few options to come through , but until then you guys are my therapy kinda,but more like my outlet to life ! as this life thickens into a deep dark place i will soon see the light
i know this in my heart there is no other way the time is near and the battle is on , my thoughts a lttle poetic i guess !!
May God Be With You All
,My Friends
Shaun O.W.S.
 
thanks Andrew appreciate the support i really do !! -
-Peace Within-
A mysterious and yet so powerful of a force
have driven us to the tip of sanity's edge and now it's and it's either jump or fight your way back onto level ground , i ask myself why ? why should i have to go through all this shit , what did i do wrong ? nothing !! find the child inside of you and become one with him once again ,it's the only way to find your level ground !
 
Andrew: Thanks, that's nice of you to say. I hope for more peace & serenity for you, and for all of us, on Recovery Road!

Dave: That is so cool! Seeing the CBB would be a real blast!

Mike: Thanks for those wonderful encouraging words for all of us!

Shaun: You really are One With Strength, and you share that strength with us. Thank you!

Yeah, you guys ARE great!

Victor
 
Shaun,
Such mature poetry! Are you sure you're as young as you say? Keep up the good work. Sincerely, Jess.
 
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