Surviving *trigger warning

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Nix28

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Hello,

I assume, like many of you, that writing this out will trigger much anxiety and stress. I have not shared this story with many people. So to do it now on an open forum feels strange to me. But I am looking to heal and get it out so here goes...

My father is mentally unstable, a clear narcissist. When he was young he raped both of his sister's. Sadly they never came forward and he was free to live his life as he pleased. This lead to conflict within his own family and it filtered through a few generations.

My mother and my father both played mind games with each other from the day they met. This resulted in them splitting up before I was even born. Keeping in mind my mother turned 18 right before giving birth to me and my father was 21.

For my mother, who spent the rest of my life manipulating those around me and hating me for being a product of a man she despises, our relationship was never good. Only now at the age of thirty can I look at her and not feel sheer disgust. Although I do my best to maintain as much distance as possible. For my own mental health, and its heavily supported by my partner, who can see her poor behavior for what it is.

My father, on the other hand, was more hands on. His abuse was sexual, starting when I was three (my earliest memory). It's scary how much of it I can remember. He would take advantage of our one on one time. At night when I was asleep or in the bath. I'd rather not embellish more than that...

Between the ages of three and five, my father did what he thought I would never remember, having been so young. Until he was questioned by a family friend. Then he realized I was old enough to recall what he did, so he moved onto physical abuse combined with mind games and threats that were far from empty.

Throwing me down the stairs, or slapping me off of chairs, he threw me out a window once because I called my step dad "father". He would get jealous of my relationship with my step dad and other men in my life. He got mad at me once for asking him why he touched me and spilled hot coffee on my crotch. I have three burn marks as a permanent reminder near my crotch.

At the age of eight he decided to walk away from my life. He was trying to start a new family and his new wife didn't want to be part of his old life. Not that it stopped his behavior. This traumatized me further because I was then left to the machinations of my mother's manipulation and emotional abuse. She would compare me to my father in my appearance and make comments about how she didn't like that i reminded her of him.

I was rescued by a family member at the age of twelve and taken out of my mothers care. Sent to therapy for years and when I was twenty one my mother and I had it out. She never apologized but she became very aware of my feelings. Not that it changed her behavior any.

My father made several attempts to contact me in my twenties and each time would reveal his narcissistic mind by explaining to me how he was the true victim of all I had suffered.

When I was twenty seven I discovered I had three younger siblings. Whom my father had violently abused the one, pushed the youngest to suicidal tendencies on multiple occasions and the third he worshipped, because he was in a wheel chair and relied on my father's assistance.

Now at the age of thirty, I find myself still struggling from time to time. I have survived abusive relationships other then my parents, survived both my parents and have found a loving, supportive partner. I am trying to find a way to keep the peace in my life.
 
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