surviving being sexual abused by my borther

surviving being sexual abused by my borther
G

garygaryl

New Registrant
I had a very hard time facing my demons. I was 12 years old when my brother started abusing me. I had know idea that I should not do this, because I knew nothing about sex , and my brother told me that it was okay, all boys do this. For years after the abuse I thought I was gay. Because I like the sex. But I have sents thin found out that I am not. Iam married and love my wife very much. She has been a great support to me.

I need to know that some boys or men feel like this and know down deep that they are not gay. but have to fight the bad memories.
 
Gary,

Please do know that lots of us have felt, continue to feel that way. And we have to live with memories that no one should have to bear.

You are not alone. I wish we didn't have to band together for the reasons that we did, but I am very glad that this support is here.

Read some more of the posts here and you will see example after example of the same kind of feelings and doubts and memories. You will also see example after example of successes and bravery and friendship.

A friend of mine wrote to me recently about how much better off we are than the abusers. This guy is also a survivor, and he knows what he's talking about. We can know love, give and receive support, have friends. They have nothing but their own demons.

You love your wife who gives you support. You've broken the silence, if not before today then you have right now. You know all about how much it sucks to carry this stuff inside in silence. Now you can learn about how much better life can be for someone willing to take the kinds of chances that you have taken.

Thanks,

Joe
 
welcome. i'm sorry you need this place. i think you will find many men here who are also struggling with it as you are. i am married, have decided i definately am not gay or bi, but i have had and continue to fantasize about males at times. i think after what we have been exposed to it is normal to have those feelings.
 
There's (unfortunately) a lot of stuff here to address. I was sexually abused by my brother too. It ended when I was 8 years old. He was fifteen. Big spread. My father was an alcholic. Startling to realize than as opposed to having negative feelings toward him that I have no feelings toward him. Absent. If anything a feeling that he's pathetic. And then possibly feel guilty for feeling that. Moreover, my mother was sometimes physically, and most definately emotionally incestuous with me. My childhood development wasn't characterized by the usual reindeer games. So I wasn't socialized into the masculine world per se. I was excluded, and welcomed the isolation because it was too painful to feel incompetent in the world of boys. So, yes, there's been sexual confusion for me. At 47 years old now, I'm just getting comfortable acknowledging the discomfort of this confusion. I am married. I have same sex attractions, but more I yearn for the acceptance of the masculine world, want to explore and develop my masculinity. I think our fantasy life are more windows to what our Self needs, and not what our ego necessarily desires. That is, the unabusive company of men.
 
Gary I know how you feel. At 16 I was raped by three upperclassmen over a 9-10 month period repeatedly. One thing led to another and I became a male prostitute fro 18-21, catering to the more violent and kinky section of males. I have been married for almost 37 years to the same wonderful woman and I still feel drawn sometimes to being abused by a male but I resist it now.

You are not alone in your feelings believe me.

You have just joined the greatest bunch of men it has ever been my privilege to know and there are a lot of really strong shoulders to lean on.

The important thing to remember now is you are never alone again.
 
Gary... welcome. As others have said, I'm sorry you need a place like this, but glad you have found us. It is an amazing supportive place.

I was abused by my stepfather from age 4 to 8. I have not doubted my hetero-status, but need violent male fantasy in order to have sex or masturbate. This disturbs me greatly, since it seems sick and twisted, or at least counter-intuitive to what I should feel about violence from men.

Men here have told me many times that it's like a switch was flipped at an age when you could not process sexuality. These thoughts, images, and questions have been somehow linked to how our sexuality was processed. I don't think I'm making sense, so I'll stop.

Just know that you are no alone, and we are all here to share.

-Sean
 
I, too, was abused (primarily) by my older brother.

Honestly? I don't think he understood sexuality yet, but that's no excuse AT ALL.

I can relate to a lot of what is being said here.

I've had some confusion with wondering if I was gay, but mostly feeling very unmasculine, even before I recognized or started to deal with the abuse.

Keep reading, and you'll see these themes discussed often, as they need to be.

I haven't mentioned it here before, but I, too, have had fantasies of being treated violently...much more violently than any abuse I remember.

The wierd thing for me is that much of those fantasies vanished as soon as I started consciuosly confronting my abuse. Totally wierd.
 
gary,
my story is similar to many already shared here in the thread. i was sa'd by my maternal perp and her husband at the time from three years of age to 12. there have been many conflicting fantasies that i have had throughout my adulthood that i could not understand. there has been a great fear of intimacy with other men in terms of trust and appropriate contact such as a hug. there is no conflict as to my orientation for i love lady theo very much, but the fantasies can be very disturbing. i have dealt with fantasies of male encounters, violence, etc. i have struggled with whether or not i am just like those who harmed me and my sister as children. the confusion is normal, for us, gary. i promise you that though it will hurt like hell to go through the recovery process and face the torment we have had to bury for our sanity and safety, the freedom on the other end is worth the journey. you are no longer alone, gary, this band of brothers stands with you. take care.
 
Gary,
It almost seems like your telling my story (well minus the wife part). I too was abused at 12 by my older brother (15 1/2), this went on for 3 years. I naturally though I was gay but now, I am learning to deal with it.

But as you said at 12 we didn't know anything about sex and didn't know any better, my other brother did and should have never done this

Were here for ya

Jason
 
Gary,

You are not alone here in the regard of questioning your sexuality. You have heard some good advice here and we will always be here for you.

When I joined this group, I needed to know that I wasn't the only one that felt the way I do. And I am still just learning that.

I am sorry that all of us have to be here, but I welcome you. Never fear to reach out.

Peace,

Marc
 
Before I started communicating with other male survivors and heard their stories concerning doubts about their sexuality I hadn't thought much about this issue.

You see I am gay and have known that from an early age. It never occurred to me that it might be the result of abuse in myself or others.

I think that maybe a lot of guys act out with other guys s'xually at some point or another or at least think about doing it. That doesn't make them gay. Even those who don't have doubts due to abuse, sometimes have thoughts about doing it with another guy, sometimes even act on that. That doesn't make them gay either.

What I am saying is that a clear understanding of who we are s'xually was taken away for a lot of us by our abusers but is also unclear for a some other guys for totally different reasons.

I think that in general a big part of the problem in understanding ourselves s'xually is that we don't talk openly about s'x in our culture and men in particular don't talk about it, specifically s'x between men.

I think that a part of a male survivor's doubt about his s'xual orientation may have to do with that conspiracy of silence. We could measure these things better if all guys were openly discussing s'xuality. I think that then there would be a lot less confusion about which doubts are the result of abuse and which doubts are due to the suppression of actual orientation.

I am sorry if this is confusing. I want it to be a comfort and useful in coming to terms with these doubts.
 
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