surviving and how it doesn't stop.

surviving and how it doesn't stop.
J

john kay

New Registrant
this is my first time to participate at any childhood sexual abuse survivor websites.
i was sexually abuse by my maternal uncle, as was my sister, when we were supposed to be having an afternoon nap at my grandmother's house.i was about 7 when in started. I only found it happened to my sister too last year. i plucked up the courage(couldn't keep it to myself anymore) and told her and she came right back and told me. Which was so painful(i had this idea , a hope that he hadn't harmed my sister,just me). And a relief to share this burden, to know that i wasn't alone in this thing. i'm sorry if this should be in the public forum but it said issues of recovery, and i've made a start, but like my counsellor said(who i don't see anymore) it will get very messy this process of accepting what's happened and acknowledging pain,grief and anger .
i stopped drinking alcohol in august. i live in south korea and teach english. i came to one morning,the day after a friend's wedding in a korean police station still drunk and angry and totally believing my innocence. I had no memory of arguing and fighting with a taxi driver or being arrested and fighting police or being brought to the police station. yet the memory loss is almost the worst part of it, because i have momory loss concerning what my uncle started doing to me when i was 7. and i fucking hate my uncle and here i am abusing myself and others who have done me no harm. So i'm lucky not to be in prison or deported. and i haven't had a drink since. But i still have the what my uncle gave me.i still have to deal with it everyday. onwego
 
John I am truly sorry for what has brought you to us but I am glad that you found us.

John sexual abuse is so evil and slimy tha any one who has not experienced it can begin to understand what it does to us.

Remember John it was not your fault ever. But if you are like me my body reacted and that is what gave me the shame and guilt. I was 16 at the time. So that is what our perpertrators want us to believe. They are only doing what they want us to have done. Well that is a crock. But you know what. It kept us quiet because the guilt and the shame was transferred to us and that is what they want.

Your trust was betrayed by someone who, as an older member of your extended family, should have been a role model and protector instead of a slime ball. I began to believe that the only thing I was really good for was being some guys toy or slave. Self worth!! I had none.

Like you I hid in alcohol and at one time heroin. And all my life I have lashed out at those that I care for the most. I have been married to the same wonderful woman for 36+ years and I put her and my daughter through hell. For me it was: I am a worthless piece of shit and do not deserve respect or love or friendship or compliments so I will destroy it and confirm to me that I am indeed worthless. What a merry go round that was.

I have been in AA for 27+ years and I can tell you one thing only. I have never ever said I will not drink again. Far too long a time. I am, however, committed to just not today. I used alcohol later to hide from myself and bury the past and not deal with it. Well I am 63 now and it the last 1/4 of life and I wish to god I had started to deal with the abuse before I was 56.

John it took a hell of a lot of courage to post this with us. Recognize it. What happened to you was the singly worst thing that could have happened. You will find no judgements here. Just concern, strong shoulders and cameraderie that exists only between true brothers.

So post, listen and add your shoulders for others.
 
thank you mikey it's really appreciated. i will return to this site. hope you day's a dry and positive one, i'm off to bed it's very late here in the peninsula. again thank you for the honesty and support.
 
Hi, John,

Another ESOL instructor! God, do we get around! :D

Actually, it's amazing to me still how much the abuse we suffer as kids affects our adult lives. My father was an alcoholic and emotioanlly abusive when I was growing up, and this set me on a search for a "father figure" who ended up abusing me for, what, I don't know, maybe several months, maybe a year, but whatever, it was horrible and only exacerbated the addictive tendancies I learned at home/inherited genetically.

Drinking is fairly new to me, but overspending is my vice. I'm trying to unlearn that behavior, but what scares me now is the craving for booze I get, particularly after seeing how alcohol destroyed my father's family and ruined my self-esteem because of his behavior toward me and my family (nice long run-on sentance, eh?). Once, while driving to work, I got such an urge to find a package store and get royally plastered. The only thing that stopped me was that it was early in the morning (no booze stores open) and I was broke at the time.

It scares me that I could head toward that direction. The thing I have to tell myself everyday is that I can get through the bad times one day at a time and I don't need alcohol or drugs. I am so sorry that you were abused, and that you are compelled to drink. It's horrible to have to dull the pain that way.

It looks to me that you're doing the right things. You are worth so much and we value you here. You're going to be okay, and that's a good thing. I can't wait to see what you'll contribute here.

PM me or any of the other brothers if you need anything. Actually, you'll have to tell me how you're enjoying Korea. I'm contemplating going overseas finally and South Korea is on my short list to go as an ESOL teacher. :rolleyes:

Peace, brother. I love you, no strings attached.

Scot
 
John,

Welcome to this site, I'm glad you found it and sorry that you need to. This site has helped me immensely. Yes, the things that happened to us have profound affects on all sorts of other things in our lives. But when we acknowledge what happened, generally or specifically, we can start to heal. It's a process, it does take time and sometimes it's difficult, but it's worth the effort.

I'd like to reinterate what has been stated before, It wasn't your fault, you were not to blame. It's all right to be angry. It's all right to feel a sense of loss. Look at today and all the little things that have a different prespective now. Look to the future when it will be easier to deal with.

Take good care of yourself, you've come to a good place with lots of good men who understand what you're going through. Keep posting, it really helped me and I hope that it helps you.

Steve
 
Welcome John,

Congratulations on the quitting drinking, that is a step forward to stopping the self abuse and the healing.

As we learn to understand and deal with our SA, learn to connect with our feelings, learn that we are not alone and it wasn't our fault; we can see the affects and learn to avoid causing the harem to ourselves and the ones around us. You have come to the right place to help with the journey, these are a great bunch of supportive guys.

Take care,
Bill
 
John - take heart from the postings on this site. Not everything that you read here will be relevant to your individual situation, however much of it will reach your core.

Gain strength from this site and don't be frightened to ask questions / state opinions...we will help as best we can.

Addictive stuff ..drink / work / headless chicken / over frequent cleaning / not bothering to clean... how long of a list would you like?

Uncle? Not a title that suits the individual that abused you and your sister!

You've reached out, we're here.

It get's better ....Rik
 
John....

Good luck with AA.

Don't blame yourself like i have for 24+ years; It was not your fault. This is a great site-glad you are here- a lot of solid people here.

Man, I miss South Korean. My ex-wife is Korean. Love the ladies & kimchee. I was at Kotar Range in '89- Osan was my home base.

Best, Mike


Passion, excitement, and confidence are the important medicines that you need every day.
 
I welcome you here. I know that this site can be helpful to you, as there are many men here who are supportive, understanding, and offer such good and true advice based on their own lives. I hope that you continue to come here as you begin to heal more from what has happened. I wish you well.

leosha
 
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