Surviving a downer

[Free Radical]

So we all get hit periodically w times in the pit / funks / downers. It seems like just a fact of life. And every last one feels like the end of the world. And like you've never been this far down before.

"Downer" is such a trivial thing to call it.

When I'm down i torture myself with songs and stuff that really hurt me or speak to the deepest pain i have. Songs about dads, about being a kid, or anything dark as hell. Leonard Cohen. Deliberately depressing and difficult stuff. Every single time, which can come as often as a day or two a week or for weeks at a time, my entire existence and meaning and everything i have is in question. Its like existential crisis every few days or weeks. A very wearing way to live. Am the only person out there who isn't sure i can keep getting back up?

When i feel one coming on, its really scary cuz (how do i say this) i get really down when I'm down. Every time i think I'm not gonna make it. What i wonder is, do any of you have a way to let yourself down in gently instead of a crash? And if possible, to not go quite so deep?

 

[Ceremony]

I'm not sure if I've succeeded, but music and driving to the places I need help keep me from going too far.

When I was young, it was rock, like Pink Floyd, Yes, Rush, Led Zep, Aerosmith, etc... college it changed a lot. U2, PiL, New Order, Jane's Addiction and this one has "Had A Dad", and man my anger and adrenaline fix go into that song. I could scream that song for my rage, a fury brought on by the depression. It can still spark.

Lot's of bands....


Then I go to parks with gardens I dig. Most are not quiet, it's the visuals I'm there for. I can see things. the veins of leaves, the wavy shadow of the leaves in a breeze, intricate interplay of minerals in a boulder as the sun shines. The way water falls and light reflects. I see things.

It's got me by.

 

[motmcd]

...

 

[DanielQ432]

Free Radical, I'm there right now. I am in a better state of mind than I was the other day, but I'm definitely in a state of dissociation, because everything in the real world seems and feels unreal, misty and dream-like, and I'm focused so deeply within my own mind that external sensory inputs are diminished.

I hate this feeling, and I wish I knew some way to stop it in its tracks. But I don't. When it hits, it's this sense of miserable obsession with the things that are consuming me. Right now at this time, it's abandonment, being "thrown to the wolves" by people that half of the time I want to tell to go away and stay away anyway. "Knowing" how they would enjoy watching me fall and be torn apart is hard - especially since, in the real world, my intellect knows none of that is literally true. There may be some bad blood between us, but I doubt they would actually "enjoy" my downfall, more just a lot of self-righteous, smug, "I told you so". going on there.

motmcd - nothing at all unbelievable about that - when I was in a really bad frame of mind in 2012, I put 3,000 mile on my bike in about 10 weeks. And yes, music, pounding, driving, really helps, on the bike or otherwise. This morning, as I was driving from the gym to work, it was "One More Night" by Maroon 5 - the imagery of boxing depicted in the music video (despite the overall theme of a relationship ending) has helped me to pull myself up many times, by reminding myself I can get up off the mat despite taking repeated blows.

I've hardly been riding at all for the past 8 months, and that really bothers me. It's been another one of those messed-up things, where I'm letting other people affect me when I shouldn't. Cycling saved me in 2012 and after - and it was held against me by several people as self-indulgent, lazy or a way to avoid responsibility. Unfortunately, I used to be better at blowing that off, it's gotten under my skin and I just can't seem to shake it right now. So, I'm torn and conflicted about that, and I desperately need to just grow a pair so I can stand up for myself and get back in the saddle.

 

[greenwizard]

It's just a matter of trying things and learning what works. Music is very powerful, and actually helps me. Of course, I listen to my favorite songs, and not sad ones. It takes me out of my head for a bit. Also, when I still lived with my mom I used to take my portable form of music (when I was a kid it was cassette tape player and eventually became mp3 player) and go outside on a swing that my dad built me. So the sunshine on nice days was there and always the fresh air.

Now I tell my girl. She'll curl up on the couch with me and we'll find a good movie to watch. Putting on a comedy show is pretty helpful at times. It's kinda hard to be down when you're laughing so hard you can't breathe.