Surgery
Hi folks:
I haven't posted for a while. Sorry. You may recall that I have filed for divorce from the wife. I lived with Mom and Dad for a few months, got off the Lexapro in September, and got an apartment. Went to the retreat in October for Clergy SA survivors. I found such healing there, left so much baggage there. But I picked up something new....I have a bone spur pressing up against a nerve root in the cervical spine area, causing pain in my left shoulder blade and numbness all down my left arm. My left thumb and index finger are very numb. I've been in pain since Columbus day. I just learned today that the only solution is to have the bone fragment or spur removed. I have surgery on Monday morning at 7:30am. I am terrified. It's day surgery, and should be home by 4 or 5pm. It should be no big deal. But I am so afraid. The last month or so, I've been steadily headed downhill on a depression spiral. Drinking, trying all different kinds of therapy, like polarity therapy, cranio-sacral therapy, accupuncture, reiki, assorted supplements, was somewhat hooked on Vicodin and Percodan, until I became tolerant of those and they didn't work anymore. Like everything else, nothing lasts for more than a few hours to relieve the pain. The physical pain is not, obviously, the only pain I am living with, though its manifestation has been quite disabling. I still have the pain of losing my wife and family. I was on the very brink so many times. Praise the Lord, Odin, Mary that I made some new friends. They actually have kicked my butt several times to get me out of my rut. I finally called the doc yesterday, and am starting Effexor. God, I hate to take anti-depressants and pain meds. They don't seem to help much, but what else is one to do. Still in therapy, have done another EMDR session to try to somehow heal from the wounds of a broken heart. Still not healed. And my friends, they have saved me. And they don't expect anything back. They love me for who I am, as I am. They don't expect me to change who I am. They just want me to be me, and to be well. Well you may know them, they have been to this board before, Ernie is one of them, and "Marc's Friend" is the other. Plus I've become much closer than ever before to my sisters and my Mom and Dad. I am allowed to have friends. It's very different, and hard to get used to it. I miss my kids so much. I only get to see them every other weekend and on Wednesday nights. When I drop them off, her roommate is there, and I leave and come home to my empty apartment, and find little reminders everywhere of those boys. And I sit here and cry my eyes out. And that's when I get right on the edge. And so, tonight, "marc's friend " comes over, and she tells me about some posts that she read I'd put up some time ago. One of them really has kinda woken me up a little bit.
Remember this one?
suicide was a big issue for me before new years, 2003. Until...
My cousin, was kicked out by his second wife, with no real contact with his children by his first wife, nor his daughter by his second wife. He thought his pain would never end. I don't think he was a survivor of SA, but he sure was in alot of pain. Wrote his ex and his wife, and his kids letters. Mailed em. Shot him self dead on new years eve.
He said in his letters that if he could not be with his wife and kids, he could not be here at all.
I went to the funeral. This is the spooky part.
He spoke to me, at the memorial service at the Firefighters Memorial (he was a volunteer Firefighter) Almost like in a dream, but I was wide awake. "Look at my mother, my father, my wife, my ex wife, my son, my daughters. (they were sobbing in so much pain as we all were) I could not deal with my pain, so I thought I could get rid of it all by ending my life. I was wrong. All I did was stop my own pain, and gave it all to those whom I love the most here on earth. Marc, don't ever think what I did was the easy or correct thing to do. It solved nothing, my family bears my pain, and I carry more pain in this place than I did on earth..." And he was gone.
I feel pain, suffering, sadness, anger, rage all those things we as SA survivors feel. But it took my cousin's suicide (and speaking with brothers like Dan in NE, Chey-WY, Lightfang, the Dean )to make me realize that the end is not the answer.
orodo
And so, as I go into surgery on Monday, I still have those thoughts of "Gee wouldn't it be easy to escape all this pain from the Divorce, the physical pain, the SA pain, if i just never came out from the anesthesia". But what good will it do? I have to be here for my boys. I will always have to deal with their Mother. Where do I find the strength to continue living like this? Is there ever an end? I just wanna be healed and live a life of peace with my children. But even that is denied. There is no Peace on Earth for this man this Christmas. Just pain, more pain.
No need to post any replies, just know that I still am here. Pray for Peace for us all, if you can.
I haven't posted for a while. Sorry. You may recall that I have filed for divorce from the wife. I lived with Mom and Dad for a few months, got off the Lexapro in September, and got an apartment. Went to the retreat in October for Clergy SA survivors. I found such healing there, left so much baggage there. But I picked up something new....I have a bone spur pressing up against a nerve root in the cervical spine area, causing pain in my left shoulder blade and numbness all down my left arm. My left thumb and index finger are very numb. I've been in pain since Columbus day. I just learned today that the only solution is to have the bone fragment or spur removed. I have surgery on Monday morning at 7:30am. I am terrified. It's day surgery, and should be home by 4 or 5pm. It should be no big deal. But I am so afraid. The last month or so, I've been steadily headed downhill on a depression spiral. Drinking, trying all different kinds of therapy, like polarity therapy, cranio-sacral therapy, accupuncture, reiki, assorted supplements, was somewhat hooked on Vicodin and Percodan, until I became tolerant of those and they didn't work anymore. Like everything else, nothing lasts for more than a few hours to relieve the pain. The physical pain is not, obviously, the only pain I am living with, though its manifestation has been quite disabling. I still have the pain of losing my wife and family. I was on the very brink so many times. Praise the Lord, Odin, Mary that I made some new friends. They actually have kicked my butt several times to get me out of my rut. I finally called the doc yesterday, and am starting Effexor. God, I hate to take anti-depressants and pain meds. They don't seem to help much, but what else is one to do. Still in therapy, have done another EMDR session to try to somehow heal from the wounds of a broken heart. Still not healed. And my friends, they have saved me. And they don't expect anything back. They love me for who I am, as I am. They don't expect me to change who I am. They just want me to be me, and to be well. Well you may know them, they have been to this board before, Ernie is one of them, and "Marc's Friend" is the other. Plus I've become much closer than ever before to my sisters and my Mom and Dad. I am allowed to have friends. It's very different, and hard to get used to it. I miss my kids so much. I only get to see them every other weekend and on Wednesday nights. When I drop them off, her roommate is there, and I leave and come home to my empty apartment, and find little reminders everywhere of those boys. And I sit here and cry my eyes out. And that's when I get right on the edge. And so, tonight, "marc's friend " comes over, and she tells me about some posts that she read I'd put up some time ago. One of them really has kinda woken me up a little bit.
Remember this one?
suicide was a big issue for me before new years, 2003. Until...
My cousin, was kicked out by his second wife, with no real contact with his children by his first wife, nor his daughter by his second wife. He thought his pain would never end. I don't think he was a survivor of SA, but he sure was in alot of pain. Wrote his ex and his wife, and his kids letters. Mailed em. Shot him self dead on new years eve.
He said in his letters that if he could not be with his wife and kids, he could not be here at all.
I went to the funeral. This is the spooky part.
He spoke to me, at the memorial service at the Firefighters Memorial (he was a volunteer Firefighter) Almost like in a dream, but I was wide awake. "Look at my mother, my father, my wife, my ex wife, my son, my daughters. (they were sobbing in so much pain as we all were) I could not deal with my pain, so I thought I could get rid of it all by ending my life. I was wrong. All I did was stop my own pain, and gave it all to those whom I love the most here on earth. Marc, don't ever think what I did was the easy or correct thing to do. It solved nothing, my family bears my pain, and I carry more pain in this place than I did on earth..." And he was gone.
I feel pain, suffering, sadness, anger, rage all those things we as SA survivors feel. But it took my cousin's suicide (and speaking with brothers like Dan in NE, Chey-WY, Lightfang, the Dean )to make me realize that the end is not the answer.
orodo
And so, as I go into surgery on Monday, I still have those thoughts of "Gee wouldn't it be easy to escape all this pain from the Divorce, the physical pain, the SA pain, if i just never came out from the anesthesia". But what good will it do? I have to be here for my boys. I will always have to deal with their Mother. Where do I find the strength to continue living like this? Is there ever an end? I just wanna be healed and live a life of peace with my children. But even that is denied. There is no Peace on Earth for this man this Christmas. Just pain, more pain.
No need to post any replies, just know that I still am here. Pray for Peace for us all, if you can.
