Suppressed memories I wish remained suppressed.

[Sam167]

Here's my story. IMO just hearing this could trigger someone so,

***trigger warning*****

I Iam a married man who is a father of 2 children. I have a well paying job that I enjoy very much. Happy family, house with white picket fence, good life, but I'm broken.

I currently am a heavy haul/off hiway trucker. I work very long hours but enjoy most of them. One morning about 2 years ago I had a moment that changed my life while behind the wheel of my truck. It wasn't anything that happened then and there, but it was an event from when I was about 12 years old that popped up in my head for no apparent reason. A memory of my childhood that at the time made no sense to me, I knew was inappropriate and weird in my naive youth, but with an adult perspective I came to the full realization I was molested. Molested by the person who I trusted the most in the world at the time.

Here's the memory, again ********trigger warning********

When I was about 12 years old I was in my room doing what most 12 year old do, masturbating. I was half asleep in doing so when the door opened to my room and my mom came in. She asked "are you masturbating? Then she said "mama help...mama help" and she did. She grabbed my penis and played with it for about 30 seconds then freaked out, left the room screaming "God forgive me".

That's it. That's the extent of my abuse. It only happened once (that I can remember). And it never affected me until a couple years ago when this memory resurfaced. At the time I honestly thought she was teaching me a lesson trying to get me to quit masturbating. She was a religious woman who frowned on that very much. I didn't realize what realy happened until now.

This one event has had such a drastic negative effect on my life. I tried bring this up to my mom and she flat out denied it and said It was a dream. Coulda been a really messed up dream I guess except for the part when in the morning I was fully awake and she begged me for forgiveness. It happened, she denies it. I don't know how to fix it because I carry so much hate for her due to this one action. She was a very loving and atentative mother asside for this. So I don't know how to fix my relationship with her.

I also have a depressed feeling creep up on me randomly almost daily. It happens at work quite often and I can't focus. My mind wanders and with what I do for a living I need my wits about me as without focus I could very easily end someone's life with a little mistake. I CANT have problems focusing on the task at hand at work.

My relationship with my wife is really on the rocks. She knows that something happened to me but doesn't know what or from who. I don't want to tell her because of the steriotype that abused males will be abusers themselves. That's pure BS, no way would I ever touch my kids. Our sex life is in the toilet. Maybe had sex 3 times in the last 2 years. And not once in the last year. I also feel that if I told her she wouldn't let my kids near my family again. I don't want my mom alone with my kids but I want the kids to know their grandmother. ( may seem strange I know). Basically I feel that I cannot tell my wife why I'm struggling and distant and its severly damaging my marriage. I feel the effects of telling her this will add further stress to us. Even worse than the effect of my realization I was molested is having now.

So that's my story. I wasn't abused repeatedly by anyone like many of you were. I had one dramatic event that has left me depressed frusterated distant and without any way of knowing how to fix it. Every now and then that thought pops up in my head "my mom jerked me off". And it's ruined me. I don't know what to do. I wish I could put that memory back in the banks. My life was great when I was ignorant about this. I fear that this is going to cost me the 2 woman who have meant the most to me in my life. My relationship with my mom may not be fully repairable and I will deal with that. Not too sure How I would ever cope with losing my wife

Thanks for listening.

 

[Duckie]

deleted

 

[focusedbody]

Sam167:

Thanks for your well-written post. Somehow I didn't find it triggering, perhaps because of your honesty.

Your anxiety is understandable, as well as the frustration it is causing in your life.

As someone who has been for a long time on the rocks with the mother of my children, I can understand the frustration and pain of no sex life in a marriage with kids.

And as a parent myself, I know the feeling of unconsciously trying to avoid going over ground that was familiar but unhappy in the past. Trying to create a family life without all of the attendant anxiety is like trying to relax while running a three-ring circus. Sexual anxiety only makes it more worse, and that's not even half of it, since grammar will not permit me to adequately describe or capture it in words!

While it is clear from your post that this one just one incident, I'm wondering if you have ever sat down with someone, i.e. therapist, and talked through the dynamics of the family you grew up in.

From what you describe, your mother's anxiety about sex may have had some effect on you. Masturbating is a healthy human activity that can become shameful. It seems to me that parents need to allow for that part of life to evolve without pain associated with it.

Perhaps what I'm saying is that masturbating carries some dread when it is shameful. Perhaps a cry for one's mother in the midst of it was a way to overcome some feelings as quickly as possible?

I'm also wondering if you ever thought of what would have been a more appropriate response by your mother. Some people including myself, I have envisioned what a healthy parent would have done in the past as a way of finding some healing and new awareness amidst the fear.

Hope you will keep speaking here about what is happening as you find some way relax and hopefully speak to others.

FB

 

[KMCINVA]

Sam167

I am sorry you are going through a difficult time. You abuse is your abuse, it is not the frequency it is something that happened and a 12 year old mind cannot properly process it. My memories were always there, but I was able to bury them for a long period of time. When they resurrected and I could no longer control them I was in a state of despair, loneliness and feeling more damaged than ever. It impacted me in many ways.

I have been at this for some time and I am learning when the memories overtook my living environment did not make me feel safe. I was left alone with 4 children while struggling with syncope which the doctors now know was tied to the trauma of the abuse, the memories of the abuse and I tried to shield my nightmares and frights from the young children. The spouse chose the demands of her siblings--and I never realized the full impact of not feeling safe or wanted had on my downward spriral.

Feeling safe is a difficult concept, at least for me, until I found it. It was a state where I had someone to whom I could speak, who would not ridicule or make fun of me or ask when are they going to get money for what happened to me. Instead they gave me their ear, their heart and their mind was not full of wrong preconceived ideas or stereotypes of the abuse. They knew the mind was impacted and PTSD was real for me. I would think back and at social events I became a target of my then wife, I became the center of her jokes. I better understand why, her father was one who received the brunt of many jokes from his wife and children and in-laws. It was a learned behavior that they saw no harm. But it is harmful and destructive and passes within families. I was struggling with the memories and feeling neglected, abandoned, verbally and physically attacked and alone created an unsafe environment for me. I remember people coming up after the party to apologize for getting on the band wagon. It was wrong and now I understand why I was left when sick.

I was hurt, I was lost. From your words I sense you feel unsafe, not in a physically harmful way, but in trusting your wife would stand by you and allow the children to be with you because of your past. You also seem to feel it would add more stress to your marriage--you need to ask yourself why you feel this way. You know her and how she reacts to situations and how she has or has not supported you in the past.

As you go through the process you learn much about your emotions and perceptions of self. Our minds struggle with the abuse, struggle with the damage done. We can retreat within. We are influenced or some say controlled by these factors. Only you can unravel it, decide what is right for you. I wish there was a clear defined path from point A to point Z, but there is not. I struggled, I thought I had overcome it and then wham, a trigger would set me back and I fortunately by then had found a strong support system. I was on the edge ready to end it all. But at the same time I was learning to feel safe and this helped me to hold on. If I was still in my prior environment I would be gone because now I did not have fears of being locked in a room, spat on, verbally and physically attacked and the sense that someone who had left me would abandon me again--two reasons, I realized that person never had me as a priority in their life and second I accepted it as well as having found someone who taught me about me and to shed the pain of the abuse and reawakened my need for intimacy and love. She saved me.

I know this is long winded, but there is hope and it comes with facing the past, accepting it and defining the relationship you wish to have with your wife. You said your wife means much to you, and maybe you can find a way or time to share some small part of what happened to you as a child. You do not need to identify the person who did it to you. You will be able to assess her reaction (and I hope it is different than mine--when are we going to get money from the Diocese)--you just need to be prepared the reaction may be different than you expect.

I am still a work in progress. I have good days and bad days. Am I still triggered, yes but learning better how to cope and recover. I have had recent episodes of syncope and understand the reasons-I am continuing to process the emotional aspects of the trauma and sadly I let the words others spread get to me. But I feel I am in a good direction. You have begun by sharing your story and looking at the issues in your life. Be proud of yourself.

Have you seen a therapist or found a support group. These help many but you need to find what works for you.

I am sorry and I see much of myself in your words--as to relationships and how I felt about myself. I wish you the best on your journey to heal.

Kevin

 

[Sam167]

I havnt seen a therapist yet. This forum is the first place I've told my story. I'm honestly quite apprehensive To see a therapist.

I think right now I'm looking for a way to tell my wife but as I said. I don't know how she will react and the can of worms that will open. I just fear that my struggle is turning into emotional neglect to my wife. Actually I'm certain it is.

I need to fix this.

 

[KMCINVA]

Sam167

I understand the fear you have in telling your wife. You bottle it up for so long and your situation is more complicated in that it is your mother and they interact as do the children. I do not know or have an answer. You know your wife and maybe you can judge her but I sense you have a fear she will react differently than you need.

Make sure you are alone and the children are not there when you tell her. Maybe if you set up a few ground rules when you approach her.

I hope you find a way to bring resolution to the situation. You are struggling and I can feel it in your words. The torment will only further impact your relationship.

Are there any support groups in your area that you can attend. Sometime sharing with others in a live forum can help. We all react differently to what helps us to heal.

Kevin

 

[Sam167]

Ok so everyone on here talks about therapy. I just made an appointment for some counselling. getting emotionally fixed is expensive man. My first meeting is in a couple weeks. Not too sure how that's going to go.

 

[Sam167]

I edited a part of my story that could have been confusing. I never cried out to my mom for help.

Just reworded that.

 

[Duckie]

deleted

 

[KMCINVA]

Sam167

Good luck with the therapist. Remember it is about you, ask him questions as to his techniques, trauma experience and anything else that is important to you. You need to feel safe and comfortable in order to develop a relationship with your T.

If you have any questions about therapy please ask somebody will have an answer.


Take care

Kevin