Supposed to consult with therapist Monday.

Supposed to consult with therapist Monday.
M

MrEdd

Registrant
I hope I Dont chicken out. This is such a load of crap. I dont think I can talk to a man about being F***ed by a man when I was little. I want to just burn my arms again and escape into the ecstasy of the burn only everything doesnt work anymore and I just want it to all go away.
 
MrEdd what makes you think you deserve the punishment of scarring yourself for life? It was not your fault, you do NOT deserve punishment, you do not deserve any more scars or reminders than you already have. Please try to find a way to stop associating the abuse with a need to punish or hurt yourself. Yes I am talking from experience. No I don't always succeed. But you've got to try. Burning will only make you feel better for a moment but you will feel that much worse afterward. It will just give you more scars to remind you more often of what happened and how it is holding you back. Take the matches candle torch whatever and throw them in the bathtub and fill it with water. I'm serious.... see if you can do it....
 
Mr Ed. By escaping into the burn you are perpetuating the lie that it was your fault and deserve punishment. It was NOT your fault and YOU are not to blame. The others were predators and worked as a gang. Really strong guys eh. But they shut you up. For how long?? Believe whatever that time was it was not worth it. You say you just want it to go away. We all do. Right now it is your dirty little secret that you keep to yourself just as I did mine. When you tell someone else, especially a person trained in the field, it becomes more of a horrible crime upon a young helpless male that was inflicted by some so called normal pieces of shit. Healing starts with freedom. Do not be afraid to unburden yourself. The only thing to fear is fear itself. I welcome you to your road to recovery. Stick around. You will find you are not alone and that we are all together in this to help one another.
 
MrEdd -- You already are talking to the men here about what that man did to you. Sounds like it has felt safe enough for you to continue. I hope you make it to your appointment and find that this male therapist is as nonjudgmental and caring as the guys here.

And, by the way, welcome to this site. Let us know how it goes.

Richard Gartner
President
MaleSurvivor
 
I Managed to go but biggest accomplishment was getting myself to walk inside. I didn't feel like his responses were completely connected to my situation. Like everything required a set of pat answers that could be applied to every client. Maybe I'm too foggy to evaluate clearly. I only managed to slept an hour last night.
 
Mr. Ed. It may seem that that is what it was like but as you said it was all a bit of a fog. Man that was a huge leap for you to go in the door. It shows a real determination to heal and get rid of the self loathing, self directed anger and need to punish yourself. Be patient. It will take time. Remeber that son of a bitch robbed you of your self respect and a whole lot of happiness. My perps told me they were only giving me what I wanted. Fuck am I mad about that. Talk about the power of suggestion and I was a helpless young teenager. I really believed that it was my fault and that I must be some sort of low life and scum and that if anyone knew the would have nothing to do with me. What a crock of shit those assholes pushed on to me. I dont know how it happened with you but I will bet that you were coerced into it some way. They are goddamned devious. Remember at all times IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. You have taken the first step and it was a good one. Keep at it, brother, and I do mean brother. We are all in it with you like family. Feel free to contact me anytime you like. We can share the feelings that were forced upon us and you will realize that you, unfortunately, are in a fairly large family that have been and are where you are. It took real guts for you to do what you did today and that my friend shows, that no matter what, you are gonna get over what that son of a bitch piece of shit did to you. Keep it up.
 
Mr Edd
I remember those steps, shakey legs and a cold sweat.
I remember sitting there looking at a stranger and asking myself "What the fuck am I doing here ?"

That was about 4 years ago, and every time I went through the door I asked the same thing until one day I asked myself "Why not ?"

I do know how hard it is, and I also know how good it is.

Dave ;)
 
Dave,
Was that when you realized that you were at the very bottom of the shit pile? I asked myself "why not" when I realized I had nothing to lose.
mike
 
Mike
no...I think the bottom of my shit pile was May 8 1998.
A very public / high risk acting out followed by a frantic search for a length of hose big enough to fit over my Landcruiser exhaust.
When I couldn't find any I just broke up on the garage floor for a couple of hours. I was far too big a coward to do anything painful so not finding a pipe just finished me.

I remember feeling so fucking useless because I couldn't even do that simple thing. My garage is a big workshop where I build my 4x4's and it's full of stuff, there was hose in there and I knew it.
But my rage and confusion got the better of me and I couldn't find it. I've never felt so utterly useless in my life.

Bad day.....

Dave :(
 
Wow Dave! I'm so glad you couldn't find that hose. Your presence here has been inspiring for me and you've touched me in a lot of ways. So maybe we can go 4x4ing when you're out this way sometime. It would be fun.
mike
 
Dave, you didn't find the hose because the Force knew how much you had to give and how strong you are.

Mr. Ed, brother, I hope therapy works for you. I am not a therapist, I am a counselor for high school age and early college kids. But I tell them the first time I see them that if there is any chance for me to be of help they need to help me--I am not a mind reader, so I can only work with what they give me, then I can walk with them as we together try to finds some new ways of thinking and acting.

So I encourage you to be frank with your T and if you decide after 8 or 9 sessions that he or she is not the one for you, look for another one. I just did that myself. Not easy, but necessary.

Since the burning isn't working to make you feel ok, why not try something positive, like exercise, learning to play a musical instrument or to sing, perhaps you might like to try acting iwith a local group. Have you ever tried to express yourself in painting, or pottery, painting ceramics? Look at the number of guys here you write some really fine poetry. Maybe you would enjoy that. Burning isn't working for you. so don't get stuck there--go to something else, something that is not a way of punishing yourself for something you had no way to stop.

Remember, is a perp wants to molest even a huge guy like Shaq--he will find a way to do it. You are an innocent victim of savagery. There is nothing to punish yourself for. I honestly think that if there was some one fast painful thing we could do and then we would feel really well, we would all do that. But there is no such thing. There is just slow difficult therapy with a bright, compassionate therapist.

My new one is a women. Women T's in the past have been better for me than some of the men, although not all.

Again, I found answer to my questions that I could find no where else, in Richard Gartners book BETRAYED AS BOYS. If your library doesn't have iit, ask them to get it.

Take care friend, really good days are a head for you, and us.

Bob
 
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