Supportive wife that needs support, this is very lonely
Hi! I have been reading posts on this forum for over a year now and finally got the courage to post for support and help. I have been married to my husband for 9 years and together for 13. He recently disclosed to me he is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.
I have been beyond lost for a year as our story is a little unique, or maybe not as I have come to find many unique journeys on here. Thank you all for sharing. Your own stories were very instrumental in my own journey of processing this.
I have read every article I could get my hands on, listened to as many podcasts as I could. Listened to survivor stories. I want to understand so badly what my husband went through. Him being a survivor does not scare me as he said that is why he never told anyone. He didn’t want to be judged. I don’t judge him at all, but he did have a responsibility to share this information with me or get help secretly when it began to affect our marriage if he wanted to take his abuse to his grave.
To make a very long story short, my husband suffered from severe erectile dysfunction from the beginning of our relationship. He would avoid sex and intimacy creating an environment where I was rejected if he was not in “the right head space.” We had a push pull dynamic where sex was always on his terms for the large majority of our relationship. The Ed affected me greatly and it was coupled with little reassurance outside of the bedroom. He would not address it at all. I would try to talk to him and explain how it would make me feel etc. or try to find ways to combat it. He would downplay the severity, blame me and tell me “I wasn’t as chill or cool as other girls”, or blame it on his high blood pressure. He did eventually start taking mediation to help.
He did not tell me about his abuse until about a year ago. It was only after my husband found out about my four year affair. I am very ashamed of my affair and would NEVER have done that if my husband shared his abuse prior to the breakdown in our marriage. I am not making excuses at all. I own my 50 percent and will never put that action on him. Everything is very intertwined.
It’s been really hard. I have been on a rollercoaster of emotions. Talk therapy hasn’t helped much, this isn’t something you can discuss with family and friends (as this is so personal and his story) we have tried marriage therapy and sex therapy but it is all just too much.
We have too small kids under five and I am so angry at times that he didn’t disclose this during a less stressful time in our lives where we could have worked on it together and dedicated the time needed to heal on this journey.
I am thankful he told me, but I wish he told me before all these mistakes were made so we didn’t have to suffer through so much. I tried to explain it to him that he had the “instruction manual” to him and he didn’t share it with me. I can’t help if I don’t know something.
I understand why men don’t talk about this but it’s brought up a lot of horrible and lonely feelings. I think I am most angry for all the wasted years that didn’t make sense. All the resentment on both ends. All the fighting. The affair. The push pull with sex. It all could have been avoided if he told me. All the confusion is all consuming sometimes. My mind doesn’t stop with ruminating thoughts.
I am looking for a wife that also went through lack of physical intimacy and did not know this about her husband. How did you find forgiveness for him not telling you sooner? How did you come to terms with grieving what life could have been like? How did you accept that you weren’t given the opportunity to be the partner your survivor partner needed. I wish he knew years ago I was a safe place. I hate that it took my affair for him to finally feel safe. I am not sure the connection but I have been told one trauma can bring out another one.
He also disclosed to me he is bi curious as we have started to explore a non traditional arrangements.
I am trying to support him, honor myself, and figure out what this new life after disclosure looks like. My husband is my best friend, but he hurt the hell out of me and our marriage with his lack of disclosure.
I also think I would understand more if he didn’t tell me he went to therapy when he was in college because he was struggling when he became sexually active. He was able to get help once but not again for me, our marriage, or our committed long term relationship.
Is there hope? I am so afraid I am going to be judged, but you don’t know what goes on in people’s marriages behind closed doors.
Thanks for reading. Praying someone can relate to me.
-K
I have been beyond lost for a year as our story is a little unique, or maybe not as I have come to find many unique journeys on here. Thank you all for sharing. Your own stories were very instrumental in my own journey of processing this.
I have read every article I could get my hands on, listened to as many podcasts as I could. Listened to survivor stories. I want to understand so badly what my husband went through. Him being a survivor does not scare me as he said that is why he never told anyone. He didn’t want to be judged. I don’t judge him at all, but he did have a responsibility to share this information with me or get help secretly when it began to affect our marriage if he wanted to take his abuse to his grave.
To make a very long story short, my husband suffered from severe erectile dysfunction from the beginning of our relationship. He would avoid sex and intimacy creating an environment where I was rejected if he was not in “the right head space.” We had a push pull dynamic where sex was always on his terms for the large majority of our relationship. The Ed affected me greatly and it was coupled with little reassurance outside of the bedroom. He would not address it at all. I would try to talk to him and explain how it would make me feel etc. or try to find ways to combat it. He would downplay the severity, blame me and tell me “I wasn’t as chill or cool as other girls”, or blame it on his high blood pressure. He did eventually start taking mediation to help.
He did not tell me about his abuse until about a year ago. It was only after my husband found out about my four year affair. I am very ashamed of my affair and would NEVER have done that if my husband shared his abuse prior to the breakdown in our marriage. I am not making excuses at all. I own my 50 percent and will never put that action on him. Everything is very intertwined.
It’s been really hard. I have been on a rollercoaster of emotions. Talk therapy hasn’t helped much, this isn’t something you can discuss with family and friends (as this is so personal and his story) we have tried marriage therapy and sex therapy but it is all just too much.
We have too small kids under five and I am so angry at times that he didn’t disclose this during a less stressful time in our lives where we could have worked on it together and dedicated the time needed to heal on this journey.
I am thankful he told me, but I wish he told me before all these mistakes were made so we didn’t have to suffer through so much. I tried to explain it to him that he had the “instruction manual” to him and he didn’t share it with me. I can’t help if I don’t know something.
I understand why men don’t talk about this but it’s brought up a lot of horrible and lonely feelings. I think I am most angry for all the wasted years that didn’t make sense. All the resentment on both ends. All the fighting. The affair. The push pull with sex. It all could have been avoided if he told me. All the confusion is all consuming sometimes. My mind doesn’t stop with ruminating thoughts.
I am looking for a wife that also went through lack of physical intimacy and did not know this about her husband. How did you find forgiveness for him not telling you sooner? How did you come to terms with grieving what life could have been like? How did you accept that you weren’t given the opportunity to be the partner your survivor partner needed. I wish he knew years ago I was a safe place. I hate that it took my affair for him to finally feel safe. I am not sure the connection but I have been told one trauma can bring out another one.
He also disclosed to me he is bi curious as we have started to explore a non traditional arrangements.
I am trying to support him, honor myself, and figure out what this new life after disclosure looks like. My husband is my best friend, but he hurt the hell out of me and our marriage with his lack of disclosure.
I also think I would understand more if he didn’t tell me he went to therapy when he was in college because he was struggling when he became sexually active. He was able to get help once but not again for me, our marriage, or our committed long term relationship.
Is there hope? I am so afraid I am going to be judged, but you don’t know what goes on in people’s marriages behind closed doors.
Thanks for reading. Praying someone can relate to me.
-K
