Supporters as victims too.....

[Hopeful wife]

At this time my husband and I are about a month into dealing with his disclosures re: acting out. I have spent a lot of time on this website reading posts and feel bad that I haven't replied to many. I think I am still trying to process my feelings and just keep my head above water at this time. I have days where I think that things are getting better and then out of the blue I just feel angry and overwhelmed by the position he has put our family into.

This posthas been 'inspired' by the 2 recent posts started by Rayne and Dave regarding what it feels like to support a MS and being supported. I am in awe of all the kind and loving wives/ SO's out there because as much as I love my husband I am incredibly angry for his behaviour and I hold him TOTALLY RESPONSIBLE. There I've said it....as shocking and contraversial as it may be, I blame him for the way I feel right now and I would like to explain why.
My intention is not to hurt or belittle anyone but to explain MY PAIN and the way I am feeling.

To start with I would like to say that I don't think anyone would dispute the pain, suffering and devestation that sexual abuse creates. I don't and this post is NOT about the sexual abuse but his acting out with strange men. I have noticed that those of us who are really struggling to come to terms with our emotions etc..are those who's partners have been involved with others outside of the relationship. We feel we should be supportive but are also dealing with the abuse of our trust.

I was lying awake last night dwelling on his desire to have oral sex with strange men when I realised that the emotions I am dealing with right now are extremely similar to those of the abuse survivor. What are the main issues that you guys go through:

1. Abuse of trust
2. Anger that your "protectors" didn't protect you
3. Wondering "Why me?"
4. Sexual Identity Issues
5. Shame
6. Loss of self esteem/self identity
7. Anger

1. Abuse of trust:
This is pretty self explanatory but also perhaps the most devestating thing to deal with. You were someone we chose to be with. In my case the father of my kids,my lover, my partner and my best friend. I thought you were my safe place in the world.When I asked you how hard it was to go and pick a guy up for the first time after we were married and you replied "it was easy" you destroyed a part of my soul forever.
I FEEL ABUSED

2.Anger that your "protectors" didn't protect you.
When we got married we made vows. It gave you responsabilities. When we started a family and you became a father it gave you responsabilities.You were meant to help me be a barrier against all the bad stuff that could hurt our family not the creator of it.My biggest fear is that one day your daughters will find out what you have done with your "pick-ups" in toIlets and sex shops.You have changed who I am, you have changed who our family is and if they should ever discover the other side of you, you will have changed forever who your daughters are and who they could have been. Through fulfilling your "urges" you have forever changed who all of us could have/ should have been.
I FEEL ABUSED

3.Wondering "why me"
Just as you guys wonder whether there was something about you that made you the target of your "perp" I wonder now whether there was a more sinister reason now for marrying me. Did I seem like someone who would be easily fooled, was I just a 'cover up' for who you really are, was I just someone to carry your children. It's hard to believe in true love when you were willing to risk your marriage, our health, our future just to 'come' in some strangers mouth.
I FEEL ABUSED

4. Sexual Identity Issues
This is a biggie...possibly the most difficult thing to wrap my head around right now. I have lost my sexual self confidence with regard to you. I feel that every time we 've made love you have been fantasising about other men.That I have never fully satisfied you, that our love life has been an act...I know that isn't necesserily the case but it is how I FEEL. The flip side of the coin is that right now I feel pretty turned off by you.I can't imgine ever really getting over what you've done in the sense of being able to abandon inhibition and be truly intimate again. I loved to kiss you and I loved touching your body..right now when you come to kiss me all I can do is wonder how many penis's have been sucked by that mouth and it turns me off. I feel as if there are the "ghosts" of all your men lying in bed with us laughing at me and any desire I might have had is lost. I feel especially angry because I am almost 7 months pregnant and this is probrably the last chance to make love that I'll have for a long time.I feel angry because fidelity was an important part of marriage for me and now I feel that if the chance to have an affair with someone who makes me feel desirable should come along in the future I'll probrably take it...and so the cycle of shit will continue...this wasn't how it was meant to be.
I FEEL ABUSED

5.Shame
Many of you have felt shame at what was done to you as kids and you don't want the world to know about it. I feel the same way. It is wrong for any of us to feel shame about something we had no control over but we do . I don't want everyone talking about me and my husband who picks up men for sex. I definately don't want my daughters to get teased and be from "that" family.I don't want them to have to be told one day that their dad has AIDS,or has been arrested for solicitation in a public toilet or catch him at it with one of their peers. What does it tell them about their parents marriage? What should I feel about my marraige? His behavior has turned me into a liar and an accomplice who now will forever cover up for him in order to protect my children.
I FEEL ABUSED

6 Loss of self esteem/ self identity
Your behavior has changed who I am..as I told you the first day it all came out..I feel you have taken all the joy from my soul.At a time when we should be excited about our new baby and having fun preparing I just feel stressed out and depressed.I feel that the foundation that I was building my life on has been wiped out from under me.I feel empty inside and worthless...everything I was ,wasn't enough for you.
I FEEL ABUSED

7.ANGER
"acting out" is such an innocent little phrase but is so devestating in it's consequences. The consensus seems to be that 'acting out ' is linked to the abuse . I believe that or I wouldn't still be here but that will never excuse it. You made a choice..a selfish potentially life threatening choice to act on your "urges". Gentlemen you will never know how it feels to be pregnant and live in a country where the HIV rate is estimated at about 1 in 4 and have your husband tell you he has never used a condom...it is still too soon to know if my child could be infected or not. Should he feel bad ?
I feel resentful when members say that they just can't help their "urges" and almost justify their behaviour. If you can't control your urges and you are willing to risk your families, your health,your reputations and self respect for some sexual gratification because you just cant help it,hey, it's powerful like a drug... then answer me this..what really distingiushes you from your abusers?
Just who your victims are ?
I FEEL ABUSED

THIS IS MY TRUTH............

 

[Trish4850]

Hopeful,

Very powerful and truthful post. It took a great deal of courage to write out what you feel and I must admit that much, no most, of it mirrors my own heartache. I'm past a good deal of it, but that's only because I'm a little further along than you. But the trust issues, on my side, and the wondering if I can possibly be enough for my b/f when he's had so many others are still smoldering in my heart.

I'm researching therapists now for me. I didn't think I needed one, but I need help to maintain my sanity. I also need to know how to be there for him and help him if he asks without hurting me. I thought I could maintain that balance, but I'm teetering precariously and questioning myself too much. So, before I do damage to either one of us beyond what's already been done I will look for outside help.

Ive always been a very strong person so for me to admit that I alone am not stronger than the evil that permeated his young life or the resulting evil that has invaded mine has been very difficult. Even us s/os suffer from our own denial. That said though, I constantly encourage him to continue with his therapist and continue the work of healing because in the end, he will benefit from it and have a whole life. I won't do any less for myself.

Hopeful, youre in a situation even more difficult than mine because you have children together and are expecting another. That adds pressure to a family under the best of circumstances which you certainly do not have. Perhaps you can speak to your GYN and see if he/she can offer a referral to you for a therapist. Ive had a child so Im am well aware of the physical and emotional demands being made upon you just by virtue of the fact that you are carrying another life. Adding the stress of your husbands problems and the resulting marital problems can become overwhelming in seconds. Please make taking care of yourself, your children and the baby you are expecting a priority. You will be of help to no one if you fall into the abys created by your husbands suffering.

ROCK ON...........Trish

 

[shadowkid]

hpoefull,this is one of the most amazing posts i've ever read here ,and every word of it is true ,you are a victim just as much as your husband ever was ,i agree that the abuse excuse doesn't work in this situtation any more than it works for the animals who abused us .being abused does not excuse us from the basic things that you mention here ,i think you should show your husband what you have written here ,it is so sad to me ,because having no one to support me as you have tried to support your husband ,i can apreciate just how important your efforts could be to someone like me ,just to have someone with me who wanted to help would be such an advantage .you have given your husband the greatest gift ,and he has let his own personal satisfaction or desires ,make it a mistake for you to have been so supportive .i am angry for you ,but i am sad for your husband ,because it shows in your words that while you may stay with him ,he has lost something so wonderfull ,and just like many of us lost things like our innocence ,he will never get it back .i think your justifeid in the way you feel . i wanted to add that as a victim of male on male abuse it is impossible for me to imagine ever wanting to have sex with a man ,i dont understand how it could be anything except a huge trigger ,i just dont get it! i wonder if your husband understands what it is like to try to be a survivor ,and be alone ?to have no one with you who cares ,or that i can talk to about my past . i dont have an answer but i got to say that yes your trust has been abused ,your faith taken for granted ,your love discounted ,and being abused will never be an excuse for this kind of behaviour,how sad when in a way the victim has become the abuser .it is people like you who make it possible for the lucky survivors that have someone, to heal.i'm so sorry that this has happened to you and your family ,you dont deserve this any more than your husband deserved to be abused . crying for what has been lost adam

 

[roadrunner]

Hopeful,

What a powerful post. I have nothing to add really - Trish and Adam have said it all.

I just wish that all survivors would read this and think about the issues you raise.

Much love,
Larry

 

[TX_Space]

Hopeful--
Thank you for your honest post. As one like your husband, it sheds further light on the wrongs I committed. While it puts a nice coat of gloss to paint it as the result of our abuse. The underlying hurt and anguish is like rotting wood. Seeing it from your perspective helps me better know what I need to do in my own situation...for my soon-to-be-ex-wife and my children.

God Bless you.
tx_space

 

[Struggling]

You have said things that I cannot come to say, just because i felt that I would not be understanding to the pain of the victim, but you are right.....we are victims too. And if you are trying to support your husband/SO, who is supporting you? Thanks for saying what so many of us feel inside.

 

[nochoice]

Thanks for saying what I feel but couldn't put into words.

Abuse is a viscious cycle that spirals out and effects EVERYONE. It's got to stop.

 

[SAR]

Hopeful,

I was just saying to someone else on this site, I don't think that any of us who support survivors have the endless patience that some of the survivors probably think we have. To me, it is a matter of what each of us individually will tolerate.

Sometimes it happens that the behaviors a survivor chooses to act out with are ones that his partner feels he or she can get past... sometimes it doesn't work out that way.

There is no "Should Be" supportive. It's about what is right for you.

My partner acted out online, I don't excuse it, but he didn't compromise my health. I don't think I would have been able to get past being disrespected in that way.

Hopeful... how is he doing now? Is he acknowledging your hurt and ambivalence? Is he giving you some space to have your own feelings? Is he willing to take some responsibility for it, or is he justifying his acting out by saying he's not responsible for it or he couldn't do anything to stop it?

The guys on this site are all at different places in their recovery. If you read something here, it doesn't have to mean that your husband feels that way.

SAR

 

[roadrunner]

Hopeful,

I return again to this thread today to see how things are going, and I am as moved by your post as I was when I first read it. You really express - and so vividly - the catastrophic harm and wrong that is done to a partner in a case like this.

I especially like SAR's contribution to the discussion:

Sometimes it happens that the behaviors a survivor chooses to act out with are ones that his partner feels he or she can get past... sometimes it doesn't work out that way.

There is no "Should Be" supportive. It's about what is right for you.

Spot on, as usual. Don't feel disempowered through all this. Consider your own needs and priorities and be clear about how you really feel.

Much love,
Larry

 

[Hopeful wife]

Thank you all for the feedback regarding my post, I was afraid that I may have crossed the line in expressing my emotional state ,so it has been very rewarding to have some of the S.O.'s in the same / similar position validate what I was trying to express.

With regard to my husband..he is trying really hard to "connect the dots" (as he puts it ) and try to figure out what the connection is between the abuse and his acting out. We have both realised from reading so many other posts that there must be a connection but he will need to find out what that connection is for him and how to heal himself. For me this whole journey will be a "Part 1" and "Part 2" type of experience...he will need to answer the questions regarding his behavior in such a way that he feels able to decide what will work for him in the future, at the same time I will have to decide if what works for him will also work for me.I know this frightens him, I know he is afraid that he will lose me and our children but it is the only option he has if he wants to heal our family and move forward.I know that the temptation must be there to tell me that the "urge" is gone and he is "better" just to stop all the drama in our life but until he figures things out properly I know it will be too easy to slip back into old habits. This IS his second chance...there won't be any more after this one...so I hope that he is strong enough to deal with his issues as well as mine and come out the other side.

If he can sort out his life in a way that works for both of us then we'll move on to "Part 2" -Healing/repairing our marriage. I think Trish's'latest post (re: her b/f's lying to her) is every supporters worst fear. It's the fear we aren't supposed to talk about..we are meant to be your support, always positive and encouraging, but the truth is sometimes we feel like that but other days we want to curl up in a ball and have someone support us...we feel angry and bitter and resentful. I think Trish's experience has also shown me that unless he really makes a serious commitment towards changing his behavior,in away that I can see him trying, then all my efforts to change things are redundant anyway.

With the regard to SAR's advise regarding not assuming that all survivors go through the same thing..I agree whole heartedly but would like to explain that these are still very early days for us and this site is our main source of information regarding these issues...my husband is seeing a psychologist and has ordered a number of books regarding male abuse etc. but until we have had time to read and process and discuss all the new information,this is really all we have to go on. I think that there is a tendancy for both of us (and possibly many others on the site) to identify with someone else who seems to have shared a very similar experience and believe what they have discovered in their healing process to be applicable to our experience. Obviously this wil change as we move further down this path of healing.

Right now we both have faith that there will be a positive outcome from this experience...but while I have been advised that the man I end up with may not be the same as the one I started with, he will also need to be aware that the wife he started with may not be the same as the one he ends up with....

Once again, thanks for all the positive feedback

Hopeful Wife

 

[roadrunner]

Hopeful Wife,

I was afraid that I may have crossed the line in expressing my emotional state.

Perhaps this is just me, but I wish to say that as a married survivor I needed to see your post. Yes, you spoke firmly and sometimes harshly, but it's not an easy subject. The important thing is that you spoke clearly and made a lot of decisive points.

As I said earlier, I wish every male survivor could read this. You told it like it is, and reality is what we all need to face. The emotional power of your post is part of that reality.

Much love,
Larry

 

[Trish4850]

I actually took Larry's opinion to heart and sent this entire thread to my b/f. Whether he read it and took it to heart is another matter. But Hopeful, what you wrote nails it. All my b/f had to to was substitute your husband's infidelity with males to his infidelity with females. It doesn't really matter since the destruction is the same.

Trish

 

[roadrunner]

Trish,

Good for you!!! It's all so very sobering, but so very real. I just wish that the destruction didn't pass on this way.

All I can say, speaking for myself, is that I had no idea. I didn't do the acting out, but I can look back and see I was moody, ill-tempered, remote and emotionally unavailable, confused, frightened, and on and on.

So far as I could see, it was my WIFE who was being difficult. The wake-up call came one day when she broke down in tears and told me, "Whatever your problem is, I'm not responsible for it."

Much love,
Larry

 

[SAR]

Hi Hopeful,

I know what it's like to go to this site for information and to identify with the people here-- I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that! What I meant was, there is enough trouble in each of our lives for us to go borrowing anymore. I know when I started here, I read some things that I hadn't even thought to be worried about until I read them... and sometimes they weren't things I needed to be worried about. It's okay to take what seems right for your situation and leave the rest.

I remember having a similar hard time making the connection between the acting out and the abuse. What really made me believe in the connection was something my partner said to me before I ever came here... I asked him, if his acting out was in the past, why didn't he come clean to me about it when he ended it? He told me that it was a very difficult, guilty secret for him to keep-- and that many times he had wanted to confess it-- but that he didn't think he could tell me about it without disclosing his childhood sexual abuse.

That seemed so weird to me at the time, but I could see that it was true for him-- I spent a lot of time figuring out the connection for myself (although, I don't think I shared much of what I learned with him-- I let him think about it in his own time).

SAR