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- Thread startermoo2
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Hi Kim,
Cement is right. In order to maintain the emotional reserves, patience, strength, optimism, love and concern for the survivor though, we must first and foremost look after OURSELVES. (Something others here have reminded me about several times in recent days!)
I have also found the MS forums very helpful in keeping me conscious of and sensitive to the issues faced by survivors.
Stride
Cement is right. In order to maintain the emotional reserves, patience, strength, optimism, love and concern for the survivor though, we must first and foremost look after OURSELVES. (Something others here have reminded me about several times in recent days!)
I have also found the MS forums very helpful in keeping me conscious of and sensitive to the issues faced by survivors.
Stride
Sandy, from my experience I would say:
1. Try to get him in therapy (I fought this until my wife finally separated from me and my world crashed down around me).
2. Don't give up on him. Now that I am addressing my issues in therapy, I am making tremendous progress, but I am still devastated that my wife may not give us another chance. She just commented tonight that she feels (she didnt say FELT) stressed in our house and this hurt me very very much because I have been happy and anxiety free for the first time in almost 30 years. I have been communicating with her in a very loving, kind and compassionate way, and when she said that....WOW it hurt. Maybe I am being to sensitive and miss read her.....but that is how I felt.
3. Remember his SA issues are not your SA issues. It is up to him to bring a healthy person into the relationship (boy did I learn that to late!)
Sorrry if those were selfish answers, and let me sum up my selfish answer by saying that my wife seperating from me propelled me to seek help (she took my crutch away). But her not being there for me afterwards is awefully devistating.
My best wishes to you both, Ed
1. Try to get him in therapy (I fought this until my wife finally separated from me and my world crashed down around me).
2. Don't give up on him. Now that I am addressing my issues in therapy, I am making tremendous progress, but I am still devastated that my wife may not give us another chance. She just commented tonight that she feels (she didnt say FELT) stressed in our house and this hurt me very very much because I have been happy and anxiety free for the first time in almost 30 years. I have been communicating with her in a very loving, kind and compassionate way, and when she said that....WOW it hurt. Maybe I am being to sensitive and miss read her.....but that is how I felt.
3. Remember his SA issues are not your SA issues. It is up to him to bring a healthy person into the relationship (boy did I learn that to late!)
Sorrry if those were selfish answers, and let me sum up my selfish answer by saying that my wife seperating from me propelled me to seek help (she took my crutch away). But her not being there for me afterwards is awefully devistating.
My best wishes to you both, Ed
Everybody,
1.take care of youself. If you are emotionally deprived how are you going to take care of a CSA survivor?!?
2.try to validate the thoughts of the survivor. Survivors need to open up to someone + let thoughts out!!!
3.therapy NO MATTER WHAT!!!
4.do not give up Survivors need hope.
5.let him talk Opening up again!!!!
I will add more tomarrow!!!!!
1.take care of youself. If you are emotionally deprived how are you going to take care of a CSA survivor?!?
2.try to validate the thoughts of the survivor. Survivors need to open up to someone + let thoughts out!!!
3.therapy NO MATTER WHAT!!!
4.do not give up Survivors need hope.
5.let him talk Opening up again!!!!
I will add more tomarrow!!!!!
Please don't take any of this the wrong way, I don't mean to offend anyone by the following...simply my humble opinions...
I can't say what you could do...(I don't seem to have found that out yet) but I can say what doesn't work at this end>
Name calling (Fag, queer, gaybait, selfish, self-centered bastard) why? cuz i already feel this way bout me, don't need someone who is supposed to love me and support me to re-inforce those feelings.
Trust: why can't she trust me? I took a vow, to be faithful in good times and bad, sickness and health rich poor etc. I have honored that vow. Why can't she do the same for me when i need it? Even though I look at the candy (eye candy), doesn't mean I will touch it...and don't tell me I'm being bad and evil when i do look...i already feel guilty ashamed about it, and to have you make me "caught" makes it worse. Trust me not to bring the candy with me to bed with you in my mind. I work hard at that (and not even lookin at the candy for that matter) and a lil recognition in that area would be nice.
Give me a lil room to breathe...
If i need to be on the puter talkin to my nomsv friends til 2am, trust me to be there and only there, and that it helps me to talk to (br)others who have been thru what i have. Plus those guys keep me outta the bad places. If i hafta go to therapy for two hours while you make dinner and do homework with kids, please smile and hug me when i get back. Don't ask how it went, i'll tell ya bout any breakthrus i had, (rare). If i decide to tell others about me and what happened, support me in my decision to tell, and don't say "you should not have told him, or you should not have told her". And don't call my therapist and tell that i'm having a bad day....i hate that...
Sorry that don't say what TO DO, but it's a start that is helpful?
Peace
Orodo
I can't say what you could do...(I don't seem to have found that out yet) but I can say what doesn't work at this end>
Name calling (Fag, queer, gaybait, selfish, self-centered bastard) why? cuz i already feel this way bout me, don't need someone who is supposed to love me and support me to re-inforce those feelings.
Trust: why can't she trust me? I took a vow, to be faithful in good times and bad, sickness and health rich poor etc. I have honored that vow. Why can't she do the same for me when i need it? Even though I look at the candy (eye candy), doesn't mean I will touch it...and don't tell me I'm being bad and evil when i do look...i already feel guilty ashamed about it, and to have you make me "caught" makes it worse. Trust me not to bring the candy with me to bed with you in my mind. I work hard at that (and not even lookin at the candy for that matter) and a lil recognition in that area would be nice.
Give me a lil room to breathe...
If i need to be on the puter talkin to my nomsv friends til 2am, trust me to be there and only there, and that it helps me to talk to (br)others who have been thru what i have. Plus those guys keep me outta the bad places. If i hafta go to therapy for two hours while you make dinner and do homework with kids, please smile and hug me when i get back. Don't ask how it went, i'll tell ya bout any breakthrus i had, (rare). If i decide to tell others about me and what happened, support me in my decision to tell, and don't say "you should not have told him, or you should not have told her". And don't call my therapist and tell that i'm having a bad day....i hate that...
Sorry that don't say what TO DO, but it's a start that is helpful?
Peace
Orodo
Orodo... I cannot defend the rest of your don'ts, but I can say that I too would ask how T went. Not to be nosey, but just to acknowledge that I am still on your team and that you still have my support. By identifying the things you don't like, by process of elimination, you'll be able to identify the things you do like. Its a good way to start.
To add to the list of ways to support:
(1) Validate his feelings. No matter how insignificant or rediculous they are to you, they are his feelings and worthy of your validation.
(2) Build him up! He's spent most of his life tearing himself down and being torn down by others. Go the extra mile to let him know you love him in the way he needs to give and receive love. Speak his love language. Give at least one compliment per day.
(3) Show commitment. Keep things organized, the kids well cared for, dinner ready when he gets home, etc.
Sandy
To add to the list of ways to support:
(1) Validate his feelings. No matter how insignificant or rediculous they are to you, they are his feelings and worthy of your validation.
(2) Build him up! He's spent most of his life tearing himself down and being torn down by others. Go the extra mile to let him know you love him in the way he needs to give and receive love. Speak his love language. Give at least one compliment per day.
(3) Show commitment. Keep things organized, the kids well cared for, dinner ready when he gets home, etc.
Sandy
You all are right and gave great advice. I wish MY wife were there for me now!! Just to listen. I have SO much I want to share with her. I have grown and learned a great deal over the past couple of months, the only people I have to share it with is my T (who is a totally awesome women) and all of you. I will share some more things that I have learned the last few days in another post tonight if I can find the time (I promised my daughter I would put her bunk bed back up tonight).
Thank you all for being here!
With much love, Ed
Thank you all for being here!
With much love, Ed
The best advice given here is my advice - take care of YOURSELF and get STRONG! You will need to rely on your own resources much more than you ever expected to....
It sounds like a big chore, but in my "getting stronger" i have gotten a new job and a big raise, a new car, etc. It has worked out well for me and has given my BF a more stable person to be with. Which has helped him immensely!!!!!!
Getting stronger will result in benefits for both him AND you!! Definitely a blessing in disguise...
It sounds like a big chore, but in my "getting stronger" i have gotten a new job and a big raise, a new car, etc. It has worked out well for me and has given my BF a more stable person to be with. Which has helped him immensely!!!!!!
Getting stronger will result in benefits for both him AND you!! Definitely a blessing in disguise...