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soap bubbles

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hello everyone, i'm new here and have spent the morning reading thro the stuff on this site - it's wonderful to read about the support and help you all give one another.

my boyfriend was severely and cruelly abused by his mother throughout his childhood; he is approaching 40 years of age and he lives day to day, just trying to get through. he suffers from depression and all the usual side effects such as nightmares. he is reluctant to get help or therapy because he thinks he should be able to deal with it all himself.

i am the only person who knows about his past and i love him to his very core for being such a caring, gentle and wonderful man. but his past is going to kill him if he doesn't seek help.

does anyone have any advice as to how i can help him? i know that he has to want to do it for himself, but he sets such high standards for himself in everything in life that he's frightened to start therapy in case he 'fails'

thanks to anyone who has read this.
 
Hi Soap Bubbles,

Suggest things gently and don't push. The last thing any person who's been abused needs is someone trying to force him to do something that he doesn't want to do. (Even if it is meant to help him). He has to take things at his own pace.

Support him and take care of yourself also. Has he been on this website? This place is a good start and it is safe and nonthreatening. He doesn't even have to post anything, just read.

Hope other people come up with better answers for you than I have.

Sunny
 
Hello Sunny,

Thanks for your reply. I will try to take things slowly; it's taken him over a year to gradually tell me the story and I think it's helped him to talk about it for the first time.

So much guilt and self-loathing - it's very hard to watch such a wonderful person feel so bad. To the outside world, he's a bright, cheerful, clever man; inside is a different story. I'm trying to encourage him to raise his self-esteem by believing in himself more.

No, he hasn't seen this site yet. I had a brief look at it about a month ago and just today decided to seek contact with members. When I feel the time is right, I'll introduce him to the site so that he can have a look in his own time. At the moment his head knows that he can't be the only person to suffer as he has, but his soul tells him he's alone.
 
What may help you understand more and be more supportive is reading the following book ... "Victims No Longer" by Mike Lew. In fact leave it out where your boyfriend is likely to see it. If he asks about it say the truth ... which is you're trying to understand and be more supportive by reading this book. Overtime he may pick it up, at the very least he will have knowledge of a book that can help him. By the way if you order it through this site malesurvivor receives a percentage of the purchase.

Courage-Wisdom-Spirituality
 
soap bubbles,

Survivors often have a big thing about therapy at first. They feel that by going to see a T (therapist) they are admitting their failure as a man or conceding that they might be crazy. There is also the shame and fear factors. Many guys imagine that the T will sit them down and immediately start asking personal questions.

There are a few things I always try to stress to guys who are new to therapy.

1. The survivor needs to know that going to therapy doesn't mean that he personally is fucked up (sorry for the "guy talk"); it's the terrible crime of child abuse that's fucked up. If he feels utterly confused and lost, that's a normal reaction; he is NOT going crazy.

2. He needs to know that he isn't a failure as a man if he needs help with these issues. Let him come here, and he will see that MANY of us are in therapy. There is nothing wrong with asking for the help one needs, and in fact, doing that takes a lot of courage when the problem is sexual abuse as a child.

3. The T doesn't start in with personal, prying and embarrassing questions as soon as the survivor sits down. As a professional, the T knows that his or her job is to help the survivor get through his abuse issues and problems with a minimum of new pain and trauma. And in order for that to occur the T has to have accurate information from the survivor, and in order for that to happen the survivor has to TRUST the T. The first sessions, for as long as it takes, are all about building trust.

Hope these thoughts help. Do try to introduce him to this site when the time is right. One of the FIRST things he will discover is that he is not alone. And I can tell you from personal experience how important that revelation is.

Much love,
Larry
 
Thank you SO much for your replies. I feel much more hopeful now because this site seems to be a starting point for change, albeit slowly. I've read so much here that I can identify as things my partner feels. I love him so much and I'll always be here for him but his childhood has left such horrendous scars that it affects our relationship in so many personal ways. He thinks I'll leave him, but I never will. I want to work through this with him so that he knows he's not alone. Hopefully soon he'll be logging on here himself; I will continue to join you so that my understanding can grow.
 
Soap Bubbles,

Another book you might consider is "Beyond Betrayal" by Richard Gartner. I found it easier to pick up and start reading as it is shorter. There is also a good section in the book for families and loved ones.

Hang in there,

Sunny
 
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