Suggestion appreciated

Suggestion appreciated
A

Abby

Registrant
Hi, I found some days ago this site and I think it is so great. I have read some of the threads on this board and I dare to ask for an advice.

I am a CSA survivor myself. I know a guy from a couple of years and we have developed a deep friendship; he is the most intelligent, sweet and sensible guy I have ever met though extremely reserved usually, the kind of person who thinks twice before speaking or doing something. I am in love with him but I dont know what he feels for me. Some weeks ago I felt I trusted him enough to tell him about my abuse story, and he confessed me he is a CSA too (his stepfather abused of him for years). We talked about our thoughts and feelings about our stories, discovering also that we both have been going in therapy for years.

For what I understood from his words he never told anybody but the therapist about his CSA before. We spent many hours talking that day; we have always had a great connection but then we were close as never before. We agreed then to meet again few days later. But the day after he started postponing, then he disappeared. I tried to contact him without succeeding; after many days I received a mail simply asking if I was fine and asking forgiveness for his behaviour. I answered trying to reassure him, but still I have no news from him from a couple of weeks. And now I dont know what is the most appropriate thing to do.

Of course he could not be willing to have contacts with me for whatever reason, but actually I recognise now many aspects of his personality I noticed from time to time to match very well with male CSA typical attitudes. Actually he had down moments before but he never rejected me, it was quiet the opposite in a way. Up to this time.

I am wondering how to cope with it. I want to be respectful if he wants to withdrawn from me despite it would be terribly hurtful to me. But I am afraid that leaving him alone completely he could think that I would abandon him or he cant trust me or I could be scared of him and his issues or I have changed my opinion about him. I fear also he is using the false logic She has issues, I want her to be happy so I should stay away from her or She cant cope with me because she has issues. Well, I have surely my personal problems to take care of, but nevertheless I would have no intention to escape from him, despite I am aware of the difficult path I should likely undertake to stay aside of him.

I would appreciate a suggestion. Thanks and regards.
Abby
 
Abby - It sounds like your experience makes you very sensitive to his needs. I think you are doing well and giving him space while trying to reassure him in small ways from time to time. maybe that is all you can do and see what happens.

Unfortunately, disclosure often leads insecurity, fear and running away. I so not know what goes on in your friends head but you seem to be doing the right things and responding to him rather than reacting. Beast wishes.
 
I fear also he is using the false logic She has issues, I want her to be happy so I should stay away from her or She cant cope with me because she has issues.
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Abby
I think these 'false reasons' could be the reason he's withdrawn.
I know that for for many years I thought like this, it kept me from disclosing to my wife unti we'd been married for 25 years. This kind of illogical thinking completely altered all my relationships, at home and at work.
I believed that people who I allowed to come close would be dragged down to my level.

It's only in the last few years that I've realised that I can aspire to the same things that I admire in others, and that I am as good as anyone else.

Dave
 
Hi Abby,

If you've been close with this man for so long, I don't see why you shouldn't write to him, to offer your support and trust.

After that, I would respect his boundaries and let him initiate any further contact, or conversation about CSA. Sometimes it's good to have friendships that are untouched by our past-- a sort of release.

If he does decide to steer clear for a while, it's important to respect that decision too-- even if you "see" the faulty reasoning behind his decision, he may not see it-- and seeing it may not change his mind either.

It's good that you are in therapy for yourself, and can understand that it is important to take care of your own issues.

SAR
 
Thank you very much for your kind suggestions. Ive mailed my friend yesterday, and he has just answered me. Giving me only few little news about him with a kind but distant cold way; Ive understood hes in a troubled moment very clearly.

As far as I am glad he has answered me soon, I am quiet sure hes using a false logic: I feel he has now an issue in relating with me. Which is so hurtful even if rationally I can understand what SAR says. Whats the best attitude to keep with a person using a false logic like I dont want to be an additional issue for you as you have enough problems as a survivor too? Is there really anything I can say or do to break that false logic? Should I really only be there and wait for him to overcome someday his fake reasoning? I cant help but having all these questions running in my mind. Actually I read some books about survivors, and I never found much about survivor-survivor relationships, apart that its difficult... I care for him so much, and I would really want to approach the situation with the best possible attitude. Respecting both of us.

If anybody has reflections, suggestions or experiences to share, Id appreciate them.
Abby
 
A little update... and a new suggestion/advise appreciated. The guy is currently in a withdrawing mode (hes writing me once in a while, and only if I write to him first), and I see also that his attitude and conversation tone with me has changed.

I have been making some reflections about my own experience as a survivor especially after reading that thread on MS Board about the false logic. I have surely used a bunch of false logics described there in my life, but I have never thought I am sure about that he/she would be happier without me or I want to escape from people who know me. Actually, I have never rejected anybody after disclosing. I have disclosed very few times in my life only to people I trusted deeply, and everytime I felt relieved they knew and the friendship reinforced. But those persons were all not survivors... up to this time. Thats why I feel uneasy in this situation and I am afraid I cant cope properly: despite I am a survivor, I cant relate myself to the withdrawing attitude. Anyway, is it possible that disclosing to me has started a kind of process to redefine personal boundaries, so now he is trying for the first time to test himself on the matter with me as in the end he trusts me despite his withdrawing attitude?

And where is the limit from other male survivors experience between feeling respected in the desire to be alone and feeling abandoned? I mean, I want to respect him and leaving him his space, but I am at the same time afraid he could be felt abandoned or rejected by me. I know nobody can read other peoples mind, but I am feeling anxious to act wrongly.

Thanks for your inputs and suggestions.
Abby
 
Abby, I can't read between the lines here, but he has gone away for a reason. Maybe it is because of disclosure, we all use false logic when it comes to relationships, it is so much harder to make the relationship work.

Anyway, is it possible that disclosing to me has started a kind of process to redefine personal boundaries, so now he is trying for the first time to ?test? himself on the matter with me as in the end he trusts me despite his withdrawing attitude?
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Yes, his boundaries will have been damaged as a result of SA, maybe he couldn't trust himself to be close, possibly something triggered inside his mind.

I know that SA made me physically sick when the thought of being so close to someone, but I got over it, also maybe fear due to conditioning linking sex with fear, or fear of hurting another.

These things are not easily overcome, and you must know some of them.

I hope he can come back and be with you, I am sure he needs you, but don't smother, that can be hard to realise you are doing it, but beware of smothering him and respect his needs to be alone.

Hope it helps and everything goes right for you both,

ste

PM me if you need further support
 
Abby
I have no idea what kind of relationship you had prior to him withdrawing, although in your first post you do say -

I know a guy from a couple of years and we have developed a deep friendship;
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If the relationship wasn't sexual, there's a good chance that the prospect of it becoming sexual has scared him off. It might not even have to be sexual, just meaningfull hugs and hand holding are enough for some of us to run for cover.
As could be the prospect of your relationship just getting a bit more 'involved'.

We have a deep, and sometimes irrational fear of being controlled again; especially through intimate / sexual acts. The concept of us being equal partners is hard for us to accept.

The easy option is to just retreat.

Dave
 
Thank you so much for your posts and support.

Actually our relationship was not sexual (personally I avoid sex as a result of CSA; I have the strong impression he could have a similar problem too). But as a matter of fact, the mutual disclosure seemed to wipe away any emotional distance between us, together with lowering our physical barriers too and we ended up holding hands and with meaningful hugs. I understand now that we could have had an opposite reaction afterwards. Maybe the fact that he didnt plan to disclose but did it under an emotional wave in response to mine could be an added issue?

Anyway, despite its a painful situation for me because I care for this guy so much and I worry he could feel abandoned if I remain in silence, I'll leave him alone as you have suggested and I'll wait. I wish only that that deep closeness we experienced had some ground in the relation we have built throughout the time. I hope our relationship would be enough strong to survive this moment and Ill have the joy of his comeback.

Abby
 
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