Such a struggle

[josephd]

Boy, everyday really is a struggle. Actually, I've got it down to moments now, not days. I'm realizing things more and more now. There's 2 people in me... myself, and the things that the abuse made me. It is hard to distinguish sometimes, but I feel like I'm getting better at it.

When I feel something coming on, anger, guilt, anxiety, fear, wanting to run, etc., I simply tell myself... "It's ok, these aren't your feelings... you made these things to protect you... but they're not necessary anymore... this is just a moment and it will pass. And when it does, things will be ok."

I have to do this many times a day now, but it does help. It's hard on my partner, because sometimes I just need the space to let it pass... she needs to talk. Tough to balance.

I think the hardest part is not knowing what the end is, what I'm striving towards... what the goal is. It's not like I'm completing a task... keep doing this for a year and these feelings that you harbour will go away... it doesn't work that way. What if it's this way forever? What if I'm constantly battling these demons that he put in me, for the rest of my life? It doesn't seem just, hard to have faith and keep going with it... it's hard not to lapse into something self-destructive. It really is easier to sabatoge things, i mean, these things aren't my fault... why should it be so hard for me. I was the one who was raped, why am I doing all the work here?

Ugggh, that's why I take it moment by moment. It's the only way I can do it. And it's working so far, so I'll just keep doing it. A big part of me feels like I'm coming to life, a rebirth of the self that once was... before I was taken. I'll keep strong and build momentum.

- jd

 

[Lloydy]

Joseph
I can relate to everything in your post, absolutly everything.

But rather than 'living it' I 'remember it', because I have reached the point you're still working hard to find.
I ain't cured, and I still have bad times, but the good times far outnumber them now and the bad times are more or less under my control.

So the hard work does pay off, it takes some time I know. But a lot of what you say is positive, and it indicates that the battle IS getting easier for you.
Someday you'll look back and wonder how you did it.
I know I do.

Dave

 

[MEC]

Hi JD,
You took the words out of my mouth.

You wrote "...When I feel something coming on, anger, guilt, anxiety, fear, wanting to run, etc., I simply tell myself... "It's ok, these aren't your feelings... you made these things to protect you... but they're not necessary anymore... this is just a moment and it will pass. And when it does, things will be ok.""

Wow! Those things keep coming at me, but I think I've been lucky and have found those thoughts MOSTLY strengthening my determination to kill that other guy. "Mostly" To me, the dark place with the final exit has been my private place where no one was allowed in and I wouldn't have to please anyone. These new bright feelings I've only recently gained are kind of like being in a shiny new home, but it is still unsettling because it's so unfamiliar. Trauma of the move so to speak.

My fears are that I will say discovering my hidden past will now allow me to drink, which I have proven to myself I can not do. Another fear in "where am I headed with my new found freedom" is settling back into a recluse complacency and not trying to meet people and never finding love, not just sex, although I wouldnt mind a little of that right now either. I hope I can find a level of self esteem that would allow me the courage to value all the labor and creative skills I know I possess so as to advance my career in stead of taking what the other me settled for.

But you know , Joe, I think in the long run we'll be alright. I don't know about you, but the hard part for me has been knowing when the anger and rage was coming, I do today and it makes me laugh that I think before saying something stupid.

Michael

 

[Lloydy]

But you know , Joe, I think in the long run we'll be alright.

AMEN !

Dave

 

[guy43]

Hi jd,

What if it's this way forever? What if I'm constantly battling these demons that he put in me, for the rest of my life? It doesn't seem just, hard to have faith and keep going with it... it's hard not to lapse into something self-destructive. It really is easier to sabatoge things, i mean, these things aren't my fault... why should it be so hard for me. I was the one who was raped, why am I doing all the work here?

I can relate all too well to this. I struggle a lot with falling into what is frankly nothing more then "I'm a VICTIM, Poor, Poor ME" thinking and feeling and adopting that oh so comfortable and familiar depression and hopelessness attitude. Actually, to be honest, I'm mostly in the victim mode and, can at times, get out of it. When I do, damn, that old moldy mode sure does smell bad.

It's 100% true that I WAS A VICTIM. Whether or not I CONTINUE to be one is up to me.

Ugggh, that's why I take it moment by moment. It's the only way I can do it. And it's working so far, so I'll just keep doing it. A big part of me feels like I'm coming to life, a rebirth of the self that once was... before I was taken. I'll keep strong and build momentum.

Regaining one's life is a rebirth indeed!

It's becoming clearer and clearer to me that:

• My recovery is completely up to me cuz no one else (no one damnit!) is going to do it for me.
• I have to find my own way through this. All the therapy and drugs and whatever are fine in their place, but there still come those times where I have to do the work, make decisions and show the gumption to live.
• It really is a journey of self discovery. The good, the bad and the painfully ugly crap. All the books and therapy can point in the general direction to go. Men here share what's worked for them. Still, it's finding what works for me and leaving the rest behind, or on the shelf until I can understand and or use it.
• It's going to take time, a long time. And I need breaks from intensive work on myself from time to time. My abuse lasted for years, my family of origin was rather dsyfunctional to say the least. It's going to be a life-long journey figuring it all out.
• Somewhere along the way I'd like to have some fun. It'll happen. It has in the past and I will again.
• At times, like now in my life, I need to put the black hole of pain and unresolved trauma somewhat on the back burner. It really is ok to say, enough . The pain is still within, and it'll need attention again soon, but for now, enough. I've cried rivers of tears and it seems like I have oceans to go yet. Enough, for now.
• It's kind of exciting and very scary to look at my life and what I can do in a different, more optomistic light.
• Facing my fears is what it almost always comes down to. Running away from them just doesn't work. When will I learn that
• Intimacy is something I wasn't taught growing up. It's going to be a long road of trial and error with others as I continue learning about what it is all about.

jd - thank you for your post. It summed up a lot of where I'm at, at the moment.

Michael

My fears are that I will say discovering my hidden past will now allow me to drink, which I have proven to myself I can not do. Another fear in "where am I headed with my new found freedom" is settling back into a recluse complacency and not trying to meet people and never finding love, not just sex, although I wouldnt mind a little of that right now either. I hope I can find a level of self esteem that would allow me the courage to value all the labor and creative skills I know I possess so as to advance my career in stead of taking what the other me settled for.

But you know , Joe, I think in the long run we'll be alright. I don't know about you, but the hard part for me has been knowing when the anger and rage was coming, I do today and it makes me laugh that I think before saying something stupid.

Oh yeah, Another post I can relate to so well. What's the saying? If the Foe shits, wear it? Yeah, I can't drink, no matter what. It's easy not to drink, in a way, because if I do it's exactly the same as putting a gun to my head and I'm not ready to die yet.

We all have known or as yet undiscovered skills and worth. Acknowledging or finding them can be so hard.

None of this is easy. Being able to laugh at myself helps. Owning up to my own pile 'o you-know-what helps. Maybe saying to myself "I will be the captain of this strange ship called 'my life'" helps most of all.

jer

 

[MEC]

Hi Jer,
Thanks for including me.

You said "...It's easy not to drink, in a way, because if I do it's exactly the same as putting a gun to my head and I'm not ready to die yet."

Exactly the same thing for me. My last suicide attempt, around Christmas this past year, told me that. Lucky I was drunk though, 'cause I wound-up not multiplying the correct dosage needed. Funny how it works. Like most things I've come to find after discovering my SA, that discovery [the SA] is the key to freeing myself.

The one part of me not yet freed is my deviant sexuality of wanting to be abused and more. I even want(ed) so much as to be castrated to put this side of me away. I'm gay, but I can never reveal that, and so remain a solitary person. I'm not at all effeminate, but have done hormones off and on over the past ten years; who KNOWS why. That my seed should die with me I believe is a gift to society.

While A LOT of me has been healed with the revelation, the one big remaining part of me needs some work. My sexual addiction may prove to be more difficult to be rid of than my coming row with quitting tobacco.