Successful "Flashback" (Trigger?)
blueelectron9
Registrant
It sounds awfully strange to say it, but tonight I had a successful recollection of some of my s*x*l abuse.
I was in the kitchen and one of my alters, Mellissa, came out and started talking trash because one of my other alters, Brian has been getting very triggered by men (it stimulates a shame attack). Mellissa and Brian hate each other, and Mellissa is responsible for calling Brian all sorts of names that mom, dad, peers, teachers, etc. used to call him, so she just replays old tapes.
My partner, Doug, said that there is no name calling in our house and Mellissa quieted down some. Suddenly, I started to violently shake the salad dressing bottle and told Doug that I was going to shake it until it exploded. He said that it wouldn't happen and asked me to stop shaking the salad dressing. I put it down and when I picked it back up, I started to cry and say that I didn't want to be touched and to stop touching me.
I felt my mother carressing me and fondling me and felt really creepy like it was happening again and I kept crying and saying that I didn't want to be touched.
I went into the living room and sat with my moose and Doug for a few minutes and cried. I seldom cry and this was a really big step. I was experiencing the memory but kept saying things like, "I have my own family now" and "I'm with a man who loves me and I am a lovable person" and "I don't want to be touched like that," etc.
I stayed remarkably present and didn't turn into a basket case like I thought I would when I finally had some memories come to the surface. In these regards, I consider my memory to be rather successful because I feel like I was stronger than it and that I had overcome something truly awful.
I'm not going to take a shower like I used to do. I'm not going to allow this to rule my life. I'm going to continue looking at topograhical maps around Alta, UT for a possible camping trip after the Level II retreat and I'm going to continue living my life as a worthwile, imperfect, precious human being who is capable of loving, deserving of being loved, and who has survived many traumatic events and is still surviving.
My life is my own. My life is my own. My parents were sadistic, horrible people who deserve nothing, and from me they get nothing.
I am equal to everyone else out there in that I deserve the same rights. I can say no, and I chose who to trust.
I am capable of making friendships that are non-sexual and being myself is okay.
Peace,
Scotty
I was in the kitchen and one of my alters, Mellissa, came out and started talking trash because one of my other alters, Brian has been getting very triggered by men (it stimulates a shame attack). Mellissa and Brian hate each other, and Mellissa is responsible for calling Brian all sorts of names that mom, dad, peers, teachers, etc. used to call him, so she just replays old tapes.
My partner, Doug, said that there is no name calling in our house and Mellissa quieted down some. Suddenly, I started to violently shake the salad dressing bottle and told Doug that I was going to shake it until it exploded. He said that it wouldn't happen and asked me to stop shaking the salad dressing. I put it down and when I picked it back up, I started to cry and say that I didn't want to be touched and to stop touching me.
I felt my mother carressing me and fondling me and felt really creepy like it was happening again and I kept crying and saying that I didn't want to be touched.
I went into the living room and sat with my moose and Doug for a few minutes and cried. I seldom cry and this was a really big step. I was experiencing the memory but kept saying things like, "I have my own family now" and "I'm with a man who loves me and I am a lovable person" and "I don't want to be touched like that," etc.
I stayed remarkably present and didn't turn into a basket case like I thought I would when I finally had some memories come to the surface. In these regards, I consider my memory to be rather successful because I feel like I was stronger than it and that I had overcome something truly awful.
I'm not going to take a shower like I used to do. I'm not going to allow this to rule my life. I'm going to continue looking at topograhical maps around Alta, UT for a possible camping trip after the Level II retreat and I'm going to continue living my life as a worthwile, imperfect, precious human being who is capable of loving, deserving of being loved, and who has survived many traumatic events and is still surviving.
My life is my own. My life is my own. My parents were sadistic, horrible people who deserve nothing, and from me they get nothing.
I am equal to everyone else out there in that I deserve the same rights. I can say no, and I chose who to trust.
I am capable of making friendships that are non-sexual and being myself is okay.
Peace,
Scotty
