Substance Abuse

[Mike26]

Hey guys,
This is a difficult subject for me to bring up, but I'm feeling more and more like its one I need to confront. There is no doubt in my mind that I am an alcoholic. I have been one for the better part of 8 years, if not even before that. I would call myself a functioning alcoholic in that I have never, ever felt a desire to drink when I wake up, but you'd better believe I think about that first drink when I get home from a long day, or plan my outings around events that will lend themselves to heavy drinking with friends. I drink when I'm feeling stressed, depressed, angry, or celebratory. Basically, there doesn't need to be a reason to down a 6 pack (plus) or a bottle of wine in a night.

I'm writing this because I'm tired of drinking away my feelings. I think that kicking my drinking would be a major, major step in my healing process because it would mean facing my demons head-on, rather than attempting to drown them in booze. I feel like I could live more authentically to myself by not seeking to manipulate who I am or how I am feeling with various amounts of alcohol, but it also scares the crap out of me to think about not having this security blanket to fall back on.

Whenever my feelings have become too intense, I have been able to justify getting hammered on a work night. If I'm happy about something or want to throw a party, my first thought is about what kind of alcohol I want to celebrate with. In some ways, I feel like "at this point" I don't know how to live without alcohol, but then I consider that I'm not turning 30 until February, and so "at this point" seems like a much better point than any down the road.

I am writing this post because I am scared and anxious, but also hopeful. I have attempted to drown my intense, unpleasant feelings stemming from my abuse for almost a decade, and I really want to stop that, for me and my relationship with my husband. I want to be able to prove to myself that I am good enough and strong enough to survive without abusing alcohol, but the task seems insurmountable.

I know there are many who have struggled with substance abuse issues, and I'd really appreciate hearing from those of you who have reached sobriety. If you don't feel comfortable sharing on here, I'd love to hear from you in a personal message. I know that this is something I need to do, but I am tired of "committing" to sobriety and binging a few days later. If you're not sober yet but this post speaks to you, I'd like to hear about your struggles as well. I am so sick and tired of feeling like I need to hide my sexual abuse history, and I think disallowing myself to continue drinking that exasperation away will be a huge first step.

 

[OCN]

He Mike,

Good step you're taking! It is difficult to look in the mirror and admit to yourself that you're an alcoholic and speaking it out here is a step of courage and encouragement!

It means you're willing to deal with it! I'm in the same situation now, i quit smoking MJ some months ago but still have difficulties with drinking. I know that the times where i stayed sober, were worth it 100%. A clearer mind, no more hangovers, nice to myself and others and willing to deal with my problems are some of the benefits which i can come up with.

Try to find support for your journey out of the alcohol abuse. Either your husband, friends, family or professional. They can help you to stay on the right track and support you when you need them the most!

Good luck and know that you can do this! Just be easy on yourself. It's easy to burn yourself to the ground, but it's far more valuable to pick yourself up and say to yourself 'heck, i made a mistake, but from now on i'm gonna take care of this'

P

 

[Magellan]

I struggle with alcohol, too, 4-5 beers nightly. My body can't tolerate any more than that.

I know exactly why I drink - I'm lonely. I don't know how to make friends. I never learned how. I've been trying to learn how for quite a while now, and I'm not making *any* progress.

I'm 42, and still struggling. DEFINITELY LICK IT NOW, if you can muster the courage and have the emotional support network you'll need.

I can muster the courage to quit. I've quit 2 times before, 2+ years each time. I tried AA both times. But I did not know how to connect to others in that very social group. I felt more isolated and ashamed while sober than while I was drinking. It was a no brainer for me - either kill myself, or go back to self medicating the loneliness away.

You're lucky to have a husband to support you, and I assume, friends that love you unconditionally. Come out to them about your desire to quit, and then rely on their emotional support in your early days of recovery. Some recommend a 12 step group. It works for some, but not many.

Edited to add: While I have alcohol dependence, my life experience has shown me that sugar is what makes me uncontrollable. When I'm bingeing on sugar, I lose control over my emotions, and I live in an emotional storm in my head that is a black hole, and torrential in nature. The freaky thing is that I **keep forgetting this**. I discovered that sugar made me crazy about 10 years ago, and during those 10 years, have had multiple relapses of bingeing on sugar, wondering why my life is falling apart, and why my mind is a living hell. Then I realize I'm bingeing on sugar again, and a few days after I cut the sugar out, I'm back to a state of mind that is more even keel, but still suffering from loneliness and depression. Addiction is a very strange thing.

Good luck to you.

 

[NoSimpleMachine]

"The good thing about quitting drinking is that your feelings come back. The bad thing about quitting drinking is that your feelings come back."

I'm not much of a drinker, weed has been more my thing on and off over the years. I say on and off because...well this year in particular, with all my memories and emotions coming back to me and bubbling up so much, it seems like this train of memory and connection and recovery is practically unstoppable. And my energy levels and moods ebb and rush from being totally keyed in to feeling that, processing that to being really burnt out and needing a little stasis to re-collect my head. And I tend to get heavier into smoking when I need that off-time. Probably much like your drinking.

I guess what I mean by that is, you can hide from your own head or you can manage your own head. And the difference between the two is believing the drinking is a permanent relief or accepting it's a temporary shelter. When you accept it's that temporary shelter, I believe your focus shifts from hiding and wilting from the challenge of processing these feelings to building up and preparing yourself to process these feelings. For that day your ship sets sail from your harbor into the stormy seas. With enough practice, you can see that the stormy sea isn't really that bad, you can "stay out" more. Which isn't to say you will never ever drink, but to keep it as part of your mindset that I am moving on from here. This is not where I live, just a place I am passing through on my way to brighter things and more understanding. Falling into booze or pot or sugar or porn or whatever your vice is becomes part of the process of knowing your own limits and moving through things; the troughs on the ocean of recovery.

I apologize for a bit of a ramble, just trying to get to the idea that...the highs and lows are all part of recovery and increasing understanding, and when you see the lows and the highs come together, not apart, the lows don't bite so hard, don't hold on so tight, because you are at peace with them coming and going.

 

[tbkkfile]

Finally being honest with myself was one of the hardest thing that I've ever done, but quite frankly it was the only way that I could see of trying to heal. I really didn't/don't like myself during the process (it's still on going) admitting that I had a problem was a start.

It's been my choice of anaesthetic for many years, my comfort blanket, a bit of numbness every night meant that I didn't have to think too hard, but I figured that if was going to do this properly then I had to do it for me.

I'm not dry yet, but small steps

 

[Nothing Man]

I have been sober for about ten years now and I have no doubt that quitting drinking saved my life. I never drank in the morning, either; only at night, but then it was a lot. I drank myself into oblivion night after night. I knew for years I was an alcoholic but I did not see any way out. It was a great way to cover up the pain of life. The problem was that it covered up problems that needed to be solved, like facing the demons of my childhood sexual abuse at the hands of several different people, one of whom was my mother. Drinking is the body's way of sweeping things under the rug, and my rug was pretty well stuffed with dirt.

I also found myself making strange and bizarre decisions that truly brought into question my very sanity. Even when I had not been drinking (yet) I would make nonsensical, illogical decisions that affected me in so many ways. Experts have told me that after a period of heavy drinking the mind gets rewired so that thoughts are jumbled and confused and lack synchronicity with reality. I made some very bad decisions for which I am still paying today.

What I really wish is that I had confronted my alcoholism years before I did, when making the change could have significantly altered my life for the better. I am always so glad to see younger folks at meetings; I wonder what my life would have been like had I confronted the fact that I was a drunk at 22 instead of 42.

Mike 26, you have already done the most difficult thing. You have admitted you have a problem. Now you need to find the solution to that problem.

My first suggestion is to not trying to sober up alone. If you have health insurance, check yourself into a hospital to detox. Doctors can control the withdrawal symptoms with meds so that coming down is not so hard. After that it is a matter of getting into a program. I went through a mental hospital detox (I was also very suicidal) and then an intensive outpatient treatment for about 21 days, and then I followed up with AA.

A word about AA. I find that the program mostly helps, although I disagree with their idea that alcoholism is a moral failing that can be corrected through the intervention of a god or higher power. My higher power is G.O.D., or "group of drunks." In other words, I believed in the support and caring of other AA members more than I thought a god could help me. One of the most useful things about meetings for me is introducing myself: "Hi, I'm Mike and I'm an alcoholic." Saying that phrase reminds me that I am a drunk and therefore cannot drink any alcohol at all. One drink is too many and ten are not enough.

Be prepared to more clearly face the issues which probably led to the alcoholism. In my case it was the CSA and physical abuse and psychological abuse I suffered. Now I actually have to deal with those problems rather than sweeping them under the rug as I used to do. Those problems are tricky and cunning but with the help and support of my wife and daughters and my therapist I am making progress. I am stronger than I was before and that twisted way of thinking has given way to a more logical and sane approach to life.

Sobriety is a gift that I renew every day. As time goes on sobriety becomes easier and life becomes more manageable. I have absolutely no regrets about getting sober and send you my very best wishes and support if you decide that sobriety is something you want too. It is doable, it can be attained, and it is worth it. Good luck. PM me if you want.

 

[Mike26]

Thanks for the responses, guys. This has been something I've been struggling with for a long time, and even thinking about letting go of it is scary as hell. Trying to imagine what I'd do when my coworkers go to happy hour, or when I celebrate my birthday, or go home for a holiday and don't drink seems unfathomable, but so does continuing to allow myself to live in this fog I've created. Luckily, I've never had withdrawal symptoms when I've stopped drinking (for a week or so...don't know if that's typical.) I know its a problem I need to kick, but taking that first step (whatever that means) is also so scary.

 

[Magellan]

You don't drink enough to have withdrawal problems (I don't have them when I stop, either).

The hardest part will be to fill up that time with other engaging things. The most successful people who quit using have support systems in place, including loved ones that they can rely on.

 

[don64]

Hi Mike,

For me, the biggest problem with my alcoholism was that I didn't understand my real issue was that I had thinking problems. So, the alcoholism and the thinking problems fed each other and kept me unable to figure out ANY healthy responses in my life. So, I made continuous poor and self-destructive choices, and nearly destroyed myself mentally and physically by the age of 45. Unfortunately, many of us need to hit various stages of a rock bottom before being able to make changes. With me, I think some very basic survival instinct needed to kick in before I was able to move out of alcohol as a way of life and give myself the time and space to unravel my thinking problems.

I've been mostly sober for 20 years and completely alcohol free for nearly 12 years. There's no way I could have cognitively maneuvered through the minefield of my personal insanity with alcohol. Since giving up the alcohol, I've been able to move through cigarette addiction, caffien addiction, anonymous sex addiction and sugar addiction. And, each addiction I moved through was mirrored by dramatic untangling(s) of my damaged thinking.

I would think getting some professional support could be helpful, especially someone with CSA expertise. My addictions were all tied to the effects of sexual abuse.

Sending you love and support,

Don