Subconcious trigger...weird...
melliferal
Registrant
Today while at work, a co-worker and I were trading happy and humorous stories from our respective childhoods. She began one of her stories by saying, "one time, we had this videocamera..."
As soon as the words reached my ear, almost immediately my smile disappeared and my head and shoulders dropped. I noticed this, and after a moment I realized why such words would cause me to react with sadness or momentary fear. Of course, she didn't notice and continued talking about how they videotaped an ad-hoc "Latino" soap opera episode. It was indeed funny, I might tell you - nothing bad or negative.
But I've been thinking about this. Clearly, the specific words she used caused me to start thinking about the abuse - but I find it weird that I didn't begin actually, consciously, thinking about the abuse until not only after the initial physical reaction - but even after I had a second to ask myself why I reacted at all.
I'm not a psychologist, of course, but I think I know enough along those lines to recognize that my brain subconsciously processed the words and reacted before my waking mind had a chance to finish listening. This bears mention for the simple reason that it's never happened before - I've always been right on top of things. I've always known exactly when and where I hear or see something that makes me think about what happened. I've always remembered exactly what happened. And I've always told myself that my abuse didn't damage me, mentally and emotionally, as deeply or extensively as some others have been damaged. I'm not exactly ready to change that opinion...but after today's incident, I am starting to wonder if the effects are deeper than I've been admitting.
Food for thought, I suppose...
As soon as the words reached my ear, almost immediately my smile disappeared and my head and shoulders dropped. I noticed this, and after a moment I realized why such words would cause me to react with sadness or momentary fear. Of course, she didn't notice and continued talking about how they videotaped an ad-hoc "Latino" soap opera episode. It was indeed funny, I might tell you - nothing bad or negative.
But I've been thinking about this. Clearly, the specific words she used caused me to start thinking about the abuse - but I find it weird that I didn't begin actually, consciously, thinking about the abuse until not only after the initial physical reaction - but even after I had a second to ask myself why I reacted at all.
I'm not a psychologist, of course, but I think I know enough along those lines to recognize that my brain subconsciously processed the words and reacted before my waking mind had a chance to finish listening. This bears mention for the simple reason that it's never happened before - I've always been right on top of things. I've always known exactly when and where I hear or see something that makes me think about what happened. I've always remembered exactly what happened. And I've always told myself that my abuse didn't damage me, mentally and emotionally, as deeply or extensively as some others have been damaged. I'm not exactly ready to change that opinion...but after today's incident, I am starting to wonder if the effects are deeper than I've been admitting.
Food for thought, I suppose...
