Stupid Emotions

[Grunty1967b]

I have bottled up my emotions for so long, well, probably almost forever actually that it is terrifying at what is sticking its head out.

My last session with my therapist totally wrecked me emotionally. I had to take the following day off work and I was crying on and off most of the day. Ive never done that before! It was so shocking by what I remembered in that session.

As I get ready for my next and first session since then (time conflicts prevented me going back sooner; and probably not a bad thing) Ive been trying to work out what Ill say and how it has affected me. I always like to try and work through whatever it is or was that set me off. I dont want to be at the mercy of these darned emotions without even seeing whats behind them.

I think my pain came from two fronts. One was remembering a vivid incident in my abuse but the really big thing was that I think for the first time I actually felt the emotion of the abuse, I felt what I was feeling back then as a child and I felt the repercussions of that now as an adult.

I fear I am heading for that breakthrough where it all comes gushing out. Ive read lots about that and how its a part of the process but I am terrified of that. What will I feel? How much is there there? How long will the journey of being a mess take? Will I go insane? How am I supposed to live my life and work in the meantime?

Add to that that I dont WANT to feel these things. I dont want to feel anything!

Thats the bottom line I guess. I dont want to feel anything.

 

[WalkingSouth]

Grunty,

Thats the bottom line I guess. I dont want to feel anything.

If you're anything like me, I discovered that there is no choice. It was either hang on for the ride or take that other alternative that is never the answer.

Given those two options I chose to hang on for the ride because once I started on the path it was a bit like being in a rowboat without paddles and drifting ever closer to a waterfall. What I discovered was that the waterfall wasn't nearly as bad as I feared it would be, although bad enough. And you know what? once I got free of the whirlpool at the bottom I found I had paddles in my boat once more! Cool Beans!

I guess what I'm saying is that you can make it through. Just use all the resources you have available such as your T, your family, us here, etc. We've got your back, Bro.

Lots of love,

John

 

[roadrunner]

Grunty,

Unfortunately there is no way past all these feelings except straight through them. Your T will help you keep things manageable, and no, you won't go insane. What you feel depends on you - I think that's one of those things that's really based on the individual.

Admitting that the feelings are there is rough, because that means we really do have to deal with them. That isn't easy sometimes. But in a way what we do is turn those terrible feelings into tools for our recovery. Guilt, for example, turns into the VERY powerful tool of knowing that it wasn't our fault at all.

Everybody fears these things Grunty. But as always, you aren't alone. As you move forward, just keep talking. You have so many guys here who are ready to listen.

Much love,
Larry