Stupid and bad (trigger)

Stupid and bad (trigger)
S

Sick Puppy

Registrant
For some reason today I was thinking about a book I had to read in third grade. I don't remember the book, really; I only remembered that I got a 0% on the test because I couldn't understand what I was reading. My mother found the test...

I am having trouble with words; I remember standing before her, head bowed, her screams ringing in my ears; I was No Good, I was stupid, I was a horrible little bastard and I would never turn out to be anything. She wished she had aborted me. She would kill me now if only it wouldn't get her in trouble.

I started to cry... I don't know why. By then I knew very well that crying was a huge mistake. She took my head and slammed it into the wall, then took me to the bathroom and made me strip and put me in the shower with the water on as cold as it went.

She did that a lot... every time I failed a test or broke something or wet the bed or made too much noise. She would make me stand naked in the shower, shivering, and she'd say the same thing every time: "You're bad and stupid and you don't deserve to live." She would have me chant it.

"I'm bad and stupid and don't deserve to live."

Sometimes I would get into it after I said it a few times. I would say it louder and angrier and I would believe it with all my heart. If I cried she would bash my head against the wall, but sometimes I would bash it on my own, without crying, if I was suffciently disgusted with myself. I think she liked it when I took initiative...

I don't really know what the point of posting this is, but I felt it weighing on me. I remember bashing my own head many times that day and then laying in bed with a pounding headache. I was angry at myself for being so stupid and bad. Some nights I would take notebook paper and fill it with "SHITHEAD" over and over in big block letters until I had no more paper or I was too tired to keep writing. I hated being so stupid and bad...
 
SP
She was wrong, so wrong.

It's ok to cry, and being punished - no, tortured - won't make anyone any cleverer.

You did nothing wrong.

Your post made me so sad and angry.

Dave
 
SP what happened, in humble opinion, made it obvious that though your mother brought you into the world she in no way deserves the honour of being called a mother. It is an insult to all the good mothers out there.

You are a great young man and deserve the very best that life can provide and don't ever forget that ok.

God when I think of the damage that insensitive people do to us it makes me want to rage and cry and yes even think like a savage.
 
SP,
Just wanted to give you a hug. so ((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))
James
 
I am so sorry that you still hear such things in your head. You are not at all bad or stupid, but I know how hard it is to be rid of such beliefs. I still feel so stupid, so fat, so ugly, so bad, all things they say at me when I am growing up. I do not know that there is magic way to not feel that of ourselves. I just know that we have power to change the thoughts from negative to more positive things, and to be able to 'catch ourselves' when we are putting ourselves down. It is just hard to believe that we deserve to think better of ourselves, and again, I do not know of magic way to feel that. I just hope that you can get there one day, to know that those are untruths told to you by bad persons. I wish you well, and wish you good luck.

leosha
 
I am sorry what you were forced to endure, no one deserves that. I am sorry that you still hear and fel that at times, it is not true, I know it sn't easy to believe, I still believe what I was always told, that I am bad, and ugly, ad stupid a, and fat, and deserved it. But we all know, to some extent, that what they say is ot true, it was just so effectively drilled into our heads it is hard not to believe. So we must alays do our besst to tell ourselves the opposites, i.e. "I am a good and smart person who deserves to live a long time." It is not easy I know, bu you must always c0mfirm for yourself you are a good and smart person. I wish you well, and good luck, I hope you can stave off further "attacks" by these thoughts.

Peace,
Fly
 
It really sucks the shit and the lies we were told. My dad would tell me how stupid I was and how I never used the common sense god gave me. He would then have to make me understand it by picking up whatever was around him and hitting me with it. And of course he made sure when I was in college that I knew about his views that people in college were over educated college idiots. oh how nice. All of my life, I have never seen myself as intelligent.

To hell with these people that thought we were worthless. They are the ones that were worthless.

I feel for you SickPuppy because what they told us and forced us to believer were lies..
 
Josh, your post makes me sad and angry. Your mother must have been a desperately sick person in her mind.

What is important Josh, is that you accept that these ugly things said to you were not true, not even in the smallest way.

I think it is important for you to look at your post, and for every negative thing said tell yourself that in fact you are the opposite. e.g. "you are stupid." "I am smart, a lot smarter than thousands of other people."

For the bad--really criminal actions done to you, do something that is good and loving to you. Ask for a hug, kiss a picture of yourself, hug a doll or teddy or stuffed animal. Do whatever makes you able to really know and experience yourself as a good and loveable person.

Do you think you could consider changing your nick to something positive. I truly, truly hope that you reject with all your being, that you are a "sick puppy".

You are loved and treasured by all of us. We are not stupid. We love you because you are loveable, and kind, and self-giving, and generous, and, and, and.

Telling ourselves the truth about ourselves as courageous men, and men who are strong enough to show our tender emotions, and good enough to reach out and help another, all of that is important to effect a fundamental change in the way we have seen ourselves in the past.

Take care Josh. Enjoy life to the fullest.

Bob
 
Josh

Bob has a point, you ain't "sick"

Dave
 
It will be a long time before I stop feeling like a sick puppy :(
 
Josh
somehow I doubt that, you're far to strong to remain sick for long.

Dave
 
Originally posted by Lloydy:
Josh
somehow I doubt that, you're far to strong to remain sick for long.

Dave
Click to expand...
I don't know. :( I think only a really sick person does the things I have done. I haven't hurt anybody, it's not that kind of sick, but I'm sick nonetheless.. :(
 
Yeah, but ONLY because someone else said so.

Dave
 
Originally posted by Lloydy:
Yeah, but ONLY because someone else said so.

Dave
Click to expand...
Well.. I don't want to get into an argument about it, but really, everything depends on what other people think of it. If we didn't label anything by how people categorize it, we'd have no categories or labels.
 
SP, A few words for you, with all my love but a bit tough as well.

We all get depressed and see ourselves as bad horible "sick" people from time to time. That's OK. It happens and you have had horible things happen to you in the past. You deserve to feel a bit sick and pitiful from time to time.

Ok, so you have been there done that now, Let's get to moving along. This is where all your friends here come in to play. You see as your buds its our job to jump in now that you have been down long enough and start pulling you to shore.

And you know I don't even agree with you on everything you say, but frankly I don't give a fuck. You wouldn't agree with everything I say either and as long as you don't give a fuck either what fuckin difference does it make.

So lets cut the crap and get right into it. YOU ARE NOT A SICK PERSON YOU ARE NOT A SICK PERSON YOU ARE NOT A SICK PERSON YOU ARE NOT A SICK PERSON YOU ARE NOT A SICK PERSON.

You are a wonderful man, with gifts and talents you have yet to discover. You are filled with promise, and yes you have done bad things, I will even give you that you have done sick things, I certainly have so I don't know why anyone else should be any different.

But what you have done is not who you are. What you do is just that, shit you do and have done and fuck it, that is just not you.

I know it is incredibly hard to get that concept in your head. I used to do the same thing. We all did and sometimes do again and again and over and over and here it comes again, fuck it.

You are loved and cared for, you have said so many things to help so many guys here, including me. You have been through hell over and over. you are due to get some happy thoughts.

So know you are being hugged and loved and touched and cared for by me and so many others here.

So just say fuck it and lets get on with it. Ok now repeat after me.

I AM LOVED> I DESERVE TO BE LOVED I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY SO You got it you know whats coming just say it_____ __!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, and may your next minute be a good minute, and your next hour a good hour, and your next day a good day, and your next week a good year.

And thats long enough out to look right now, after a year, fuck it.

Brent
 
P.S.

Just so you know I am reasonbly sure I have you beat on the sick catagory.

You see I grew up on a farm, enough said. :D :eek:
 
There are so many things I have done that I am so ashamed to say, even here :( I am sure other people here share the same problems but I just don't want to talk about it. I know I am fucked up.. and I hate it :(
 
Josh, you know I have responded to many of your posts, and I think I know you fairly well.

Are you using the word "sick" as a synonym for "hurt", "broken", "damaged"? I think you are. When you first told us why you use the nick "Sick Puppy" you mentioned that it was something people told you you were.

I won't go into all the things I have been told I am, because I know these men here would get pissed off and write things to assure me that I am none of those things. Yet, those words still have a hold on me after all these years. But, they are begining to not have that hold.

Josh, we all have done things we are ashamed of. Some few of the things I have done would drive me crazy to think about. But, those are in the past. I am a different person than that. If it would help you, I would say some of those things. But, I would not want to get into a contest with you as to who had done the worst things. I am fairly sure I would win that contest, if for no other reason than that I had lots of good help and guidance to not do them, but did them anyway. Maybe someday, I will get the courage to enter my whole story here. It would take about an hour to read it, so I am saving your eyes.

Several guys have said it so well to you Josh, you are far from being a Sick Puppy. Really, I don't think we should use a term like that for anyone. It is demeaning a person who is hurting really badly. You have become a really fine young man, an important asset to this discussion board, and you have the guts to speak truth even when it is the last thing we want to hear. I, and the others could go on about the evidence that you are a very WELL and HEALTHY young man--you are not a puppy. Although, those who love you a lot might think of you as a cuddly puppy--which is okay if it is okay with you.

Josh, move on now. I am sure you can. It is all in the way you see yourself. That is a 180 degree difference than the way we see you. It is ok for you to admit that you had a very harmful childhood and youth. You were bullied and you were made to think that you are defective.

Now Josh, think of yourself as the kid you were. Love yourself as that kid and tell yourself as that kid that those who said ugly things to you were liars and idiots. That young you, deserved lots of love and affirmation and did not get it. So, why don't you give yourself that love and affirmation now--it is never too late to do that.

Josh, I hope you do not take this the wrong way, but I really believe that it is all in your hands now, just as it is in the hands of each of us. We alone can start to deny the lies and support the truth of who we are, how far we have come and what a bright future we have. But, we are really the ones that have to do it. Therapists, and doctors and friends and lovers can help, but in the end, we either reject or accept what we know is the truth, that we are good men, who as children and youth had awful things happen to us, but we are so darned strong that we have emerged the victorius one.
Those who, unfortunately did not have the strength we have, are not among us, at least not yet.

Josh, you are a fine young man. Us old guys would be honored to have you as our son. And believe me, we would not say that if it were not true. And your peers are happy to have you as a brother. But only you can accept that as the truth.

Take care Josh--and think some good thoughs about me now and then--I can really use them.

Bob
 
Josh,
I've read all of your posts. Clearly, your mother was/is a sadist and probably psychotic. All of the terrible feelings you have about yourself are her feelings about you which you internalized. Her actions, her words drilled into your mind time and time again taught you to hate yourself. Remember this -- everything negative that you think and feel about yourself come from your mother's psychotic brain. Since you have come to this site, you have already decided that you will no longer allow your mother's psychosis to control you. Now, it is your task to learn new thoughts and feelings about yourself. Every man who has posted here has offered you some suggestions about what to think and feel about yourself. It is up to you to take what they offer, even if you don't quite believe it's true. It can be frightening to change from the familiar bad to the strange good. After all you have to take our word for it that you are good, and you don't really know us yet. It cannot hurt you to try a new way of thinking about yourself. It can and has hurt you to keep the old way. You can start by giving yourself a new nickname. May I suggest "Beloved Companion?" One more thing, you need to get a good therapist, if at all possible.
Mary :)
 
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