stuff on my mind

stuff on my mind
midnight51

midnight51

Hey guys, I've been so emotional for so long now I almost feel like a walking spunge that's finally being wrung out. Last week I gave my therapist some of my poetry, then later on she asked me to talk about some of the 'things' I mentioned on my intake into therapy (which was my sexual abuse). I'm still in denial, I know I am, because the words don't fully hit me... but they're starting to make more sense. I'm trying. Anyway, when she asked me to talk about it, I couldn't. I froze up like an ice cube. I know she's going to ask me again on tuesday and I don't know what to do... this is so hard. My mind is so fragile right now, it feels like anything directed at me is a diliberate attack and I get defensive and angry. My Mom called me last tuesday night and I was very short with her and havn't talked to her since. It just seems like everything that has ever went wrong in my life is comming up to the surface to haunt me right at this exact moment and it almost feels like I'm being attacked by myself. I feel so small and afraid that this is never going to end. I feel like I've screwed everything in my life up and don't know how to fix anything. I feel like I'll never be in control of my own life... I always feel like there's something chasing me or pushing me in wrong directions and I don't know how to break free. I'm my own worst enemy. I feel like, I have all of this potential, but I piss it all away and don't know how to use it right. I dunno, I've said enough...
 
To read what you write here, it is so much how I feel myself of all this. It is so much at once, and you relate differently at everyone while you are trying to accept things. That is I think normal of this. Also, remember that in therapy, you are one in control of what is said and addressed, and if you do not feel ready, it is all right to say so. I still have not talked so much in detail of things, just my therapist knows the 'basics' and how it now affects me. We are starting to work more at it though, as it is now becoming something necessary for my safety to myself. Just be patient of yourself, and kind at yourself, as you are needing that right now. You are not one who is wrong, it is others who do wrong at you. I wish you well.

leosha
 
Midnight

and I don't know how to break free. I'm my own worst enemy. I feel like, I have all of this potential, but I piss it all away and don't know how to use it right.
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I spent over 30 years feeling like this, but as I progress through my recovery I'm finding that I need to spend less time thinking about the 'crap' - and less time devoted to my recovery.

So this leaves me with more time, and greater interest and concentration' to do what I want to do.

It's taking a bit of getting used to, but it does feel good.

Dave
 
Midnight,

It takes time, just like everyone said, to fully appreciate what has ahppened to you in life. It also takes time to open up and heal.

You cannot force it. You surely cannot "make" yourself better. That comes in time.

My sister said something very valuable once. You go to therapy to open up an infected wound and have it drained. It is a medical procedure. One that can save your life. Yes, sir, it does hurt to have that sore lanced and squeezed. The toxins that come out, sometimes at a flood, sometimes needing to be squeezed loose, also hurt terribly. When it's over, though, the wound is smaller and there's nothing toxic left to stop the process of getting better. Just a wound that will leave a scar. even that will fade in time.

I dread every time I go to therapy. I also come out lighter. Why? Because all the crap I needed to get gone is gone. It doesn't matter how new or old it is, it's not a secret anymore. It's not shameful anymore.

It will feel the same way for you, Midnight. I guarentee it!

So, do dread it. Be a little afraid of it. But when it's over, you will not be afraid of the dark anymore. You will not be powerless against the people who hurt you anymore. You will be getting back that power.

One step at a time, Midnight. We're here to help you all the way.

Love and peace,

Scot :)
 
Midnight,

I feel like I've screwed everything in my life up
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You definately didn't screw up everything. You are still kicking and you are here.
and don't know how to fix anything.
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Fix? How about change. You are changing, by working at your woes, by posting here, by writing your poetry, by going to T, and continuing to do these and other things day after day, week after week, and so on. Change is a process. And a change for the better is worth it.

Keep up the good work and soon you will begin to feel some of the changes you have already made.

Bill
 
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