stuck

[Broken]

i dont get it anymore. Im thinking about everything, even about this stupid forum. How the hell do i know that anybody out there is really a survivor, not just another perp? Almost everybody here has something about them that makes me very uncomfortable, be it religion, strange remarks, severe splitting. To the best of my knowledge, i dont have any thing wrong in my mind except this horrible, nagging doubt that everything I try is pointless.

My memory wont come. I know something happened, but i dont know what. I have little hints of other things, like comments about my body from my mother, huge gaps of memory. But it wont come. I dont know how to confront my mother if i dont know what she has done. Until i confront her, i will never own my life.

I am freaked out by how little of my childhood i remember. How much more fucked up can life get than being able to remember getting raped by your brother? whats so bad my mind just decided it was going to forget most of my childhood?

More great news. I like my landlord, hes seems okay. But hes dying. How do i keep hopping from one damn drama to the next? My life just continues to be filled with one event after another. Maybe it is selfish, but i dont care. Where am i going to live if he dies? Why do i meet this person just to watch him pass away in a few years?

Im still terrified i might have been involved in ritualistic abuse. But if its something i have to remember to see the truth, then damn it! Im Willing! But it just wont come. My head hurts, my body aches, im tired all the time, everything points to more of the same, but nothing comes.

Most of the time i just feel heavy. like there is this huge weight on my back. It makes my hand feel like lead when im trying to draw, it makes me feel like a slug when i cant figure out what to do today. And i know its because im shouldering the secret of what hapened to me, because i have to bear the burdan of exposing the truth, and if needs be, making sure no one else has to suffer at the same hands i did. And it drives me nuts, because i know maybe i have to hurt somebody to make all of this just stop. I cant go back to my old world, where i was the big sacrificial hero, where my mom really cared about me, where life was normal.

Every day, its the same crap, i got to figure out a reason to get up in the morning. I have to put faith in myself, and watch myself fail again and again and again to protect, disipline, and educate myself. Sometimes i wish something bad would happen so i could deal with it, because i dont think i can handle loving myself, taking care of my body, it just so fucking hard. No matter how hard i push, no matter how much i try to relax, the light just sits there, hovering in front of my face. Every step i take towards it causes it to take a step back. Every step away, a step foward. Its like the life i want is tormenting me, because i just cant find the will to grab it. Why i want to live at times like this is beyond me, but i do. im going to go, but ill be back, every fucking day for the rest of my miserable life ill be back, and not know why.

 

[Just Call me J]

Hey B, So much of your post resonated with me, that I needed to respond. I hope you will take everything here in the spirit it is given. I don't claim to know all the answers, and if something doesn't work for you, it's cool with me. But so much of your struggle sounds like mine, that I want to share some of the things that worked for me. I know they aren't "one size fits all" solutions. Regardless, I am pulling for you.

Originally posted by Broken:
i dont get it anymore. Im thinking about everything, even about this stupid forum. How the hell do i know that anybody out there is really a survivor, not just another perp?

Honestly, you don't. But I haven't come across any of the questionable content that other members have posted here. Maybe because I stick around the same old places, here in the forums (I haven't chatted in a hell of a long time). I just read what others have to say, and reply if I feel the need to. If what I read helps me, great! If it offends me, I move on and read something else.

My memory wont come. I know something happened, but i dont know what. I have little hints of other things, like comments about my body from my mother, huge gaps of memory. But it wont come. I dont know how to confront my mother if i dont know what she has done. Until i confront her, i will never own my life.

I feel exactly the same way. Apart from 2 episodes of "remembering" I have only clues, and flimsy circumstancial evidence. It IS very discouraging. I'm trying to get back into counseling. The last therapist I had was nice and all, but useless in helping me chase these memories down. She also downplayed the possibility of my abuse (since I don't have any concrete evidence, I question whether this "alleged" abuse really occurred... and the therapist only fed into those doubts). I'm not seeing her any more.

More great news. I like my landlord, hes seems okay. But hes dying. How do i keep hopping from one damn drama to the next? My life just continues to be filled with one event after another. Maybe it is selfish, but i dont care. Where am i going to live if he dies? Why do i meet this person just to watch him pass away in a few years?

My girlfriend is lesbian (long story... you can read it in other places I've written). Her previous girlfriend was my roommate, and she died April 2001. I have gotten to know a lot about the grief process in the last 6 years. It sucks. No doubt about it.

But that doesn't mean that you don't meet someone, just because they may die within a few years. No one knows when they will die. I didn't expect Christy to die. I never expected my cousin to commit suicide. Enjoy the time you DO have with them. Learn from them. Treat them like a living person, not like a dying person, because lots of people live longer than they're "supposed to." And you could even ask your landlord if he will be designating someone to take over if/when that happens. It's a fair question, cuz this is your home for now.

Im Willing! But it just wont come.

I know you keep hearing this, but there just might be something to it: maybe you're trying too hard. Try taking some energy away from the quest, and put it into living life. Do you ever have a word on the tip of your tongue, and you just CAN'T get it out, no matter how hard you try? Then you go on to other things, and just as you're opening the fridge, the word just leaps out of your mouth? Our brains are really funny, and they build associations through the most unlikely events.

For the record (and I don't advocate or condone this approach), I smoked out with 2 of my most trusted friends, before I got the courage to admit I might have been abused. And it was the process of the next few hours of discussion and questioning that loosed the body memory and the flash of visual memory. My brain was relaxed by the pot, and I was in a safe situation. Now I didn't feel very safe AFTER the info flooded (trickled?) out of my brain, but I doubt it would have come if I wasn't. My brain has been trying to protect me all this time, and it's not going to give up the info, if I'm not ready for it. I'm willing to bet it's the same for you.

Most of the time i just feel heavy. like there is this huge weight on my back. ... And i know its because im shouldering the secret of what hapened to me, because i have to bear the burdan of exposing the truth, and if needs be, making sure no one else has to suffer at the same hands i did.

How many people, outside of this forum have you told? I think you've said that you've only told one other friend, right? Perhaps it is the "shouldering the secret" that is keeping you down. Telling more people won't change what happened, but it won't be a secret anymore. It's exhausting to keep a secret. So stop using so much of yourself for that.

Every day, its the same crap, i got to figure out a reason to get up in the morning. I have to put faith in myself, and watch myself fail again and again and again to protect, disipline, and educate myself.

ABSOLUTELY! Caring about myself is one of the projects I continue to work on. Start with the basics: shower, shave and brush teeth. I have a morning ritual, that gets me through personal hygiene in the mornings. Sometimes I only get 2 of 3. Later, you can extend to keeping your living space acceptable (doing laundry, washing dishes, vacuuming). And don't focus on whether you succeed or not. Focus on keep trying. It's the attempt that matters. What's the saying? "80% of success is showing up." You've only truly failed when you stop trying something.

Sometimes i wish something bad would happen so i could deal with it, because i dont think i can handle loving myself, taking care of my body, it just so fucking hard. No matter how hard i push, no matter how much i try to relax, the light just sits there, hovering in front of my face. Every step i take towards it causes it to take a step back. Every step away, a step foward. Its like the life i want is tormenting me, because i just cant find the will to grab it. Why i want to live at times like this is beyond me, but i do. im going to go, but ill be back, every fucking day for the rest of my miserable life ill be back, and not know why.

I know I'm not the only one who is behind you. It's hard, but we all manage to keep going. Dunno how all the time, but we manage. I look forward to hearing from you again, B!

We're in this together.

Jeremy

 

Hi Broken. I've accumulated info for years as regards survivor websites. It's fascinating,exploring the survivor-site phenomenon. I'm planning a book. And I think this'll explain a lot of what we see at survivor sites that offer posting. We're seeing a societal phenomenon. The thing begs for close inspection.

 

I'll explain it. You get two envelopes delivered to your mailbox. The first one reads "Stop the homosexual agenda. Send $25...$50...$100...Other".
You open the second envelope. It reads "Stop the anti-gay nazis. Send $25...$50...$100...Other".
Both envelopes came from the same guy. Do you understand,now?

 

Oh I see now. Well duh. It was an experiment. I feel like Pavlov's dog.

 

[SoCalJohn]

Broken,

well, i certainly understand your post, not sure i have any answers for you, i have the some of the same stuff in my life, and not a lot of answers for me either when i get stuck like i am hearing you are.

when i get too overloaded i go back the the very basics, i will give you the list i use.

i take it one day at a time and do the best i can each day till i am too wasted to do anymore, some days that means i get maybe one thing done, others i never make it out of bed, some i actually get a whole lot done, i try and remember that it all evens out and try not to get too freaked about the bad days.

i start over each day, what the heck, its a new day, why not see it as a new start.

when i get tired, i rest, sleep does not come too often these days, i got a lot going wrong for me right now too, but who needs sleep, rest will do for now.

i force myself to eat at least one real meal each day, well, i try anyways.

when i do get hungry, i eat.

when i have the energy i do what work i can, which means some days i go into work at 2 in the morning and go home again early in the afternoon, lucky my job allows me to do that kind of stuff.

i try really hard to do something social outside with another live person at least once a week.

i try and find something nice to look at each day, sometimes its flowers, or maybe a song, just anything that can maybe get me to smile on the inside.

i try really hard to get some kind of exersize every day, sometimes its just parking far and walking some, others i actually lift the weights.

i think thats about it for me, oh yeah, one last thing, i try not to take myself to seriously, like i try not to impress myself with how fucked up things are or i am on any given day, i found out my outlook has a fair amount to do with how i feel.

the part that always gets to me is i realize every once in a while that i am the only one around who is going to do anything at all like taking care of me, you know what i mean, if its going to happen, basically its up to me, the problem is half the time i dont want the job.

which always reminds me that my most important job is to figure out how to love me no matter what space i am in.

i hope things turn for the good for you,, take care best you can, ok?

 

[Broken]

thanks for responding, i know things arent so horrible, but i just get so damn tired. I would like to tell more people, but i dont know anybody. How can i expose a secret when i dont have anyone to tell it to?

I dont mind being alone, but being alone in a crowd is hard. I hate having everyday to be surounded by people, but not really knowing anybody. i just dont have the patience to deal with people who cant take me at face value. im kinda messed up and i am tired of having to hide that from everybody. It such a horrible process, having to smack people in the face with the reality of my situation. Yes i am poor. Yes, i am clinicly depressed. No, i dont have a job. I dont feel comfortable dicussing that part of my life right now. And all the while every person i see turns up this lonelyness in me, a part of me begging to trust, to let go and be voulnrable so i can be free to love. I want all these rewards i was told i could have if i started this journey, but even though i am changing, its not at the pace i would like. I want to love, but have nobody to love. But i guess it is just part of this long walk i have started. Being trapped in limbo is better than being stuck in hell.

 

[Lloydy]

Broken
being "alone" is hard, especially in a crowd. I find that it drags me back towards my acting out, I suppose I go looking for "company", not that I ever found good conversation and lasting friendship in stinking public toilets !!
Now I just end up going to shops and buying stuff I don't need just to have the girl on the counter say "HI".
I guess it's not so much being alone as being lonely that makes us feel bad. WHen I'm driving I put a chat channel on the radio instead of a music one, then I can shout abuse at the idiot presenters and their dumb guests, that ALWAYS makes me feel better.
Just Call Me and SoCalJohn have written so much good stuff on this post it makes me feel that I'm just repeating them. But I will reinforce one of John's points, make social contact with other people when you can. Join a club, help a charity, play chess in the park. If you've moved somewhere different you have to go out and do it. And that will be another achievement. And we all know how much even small achievements mean to us when we feel we're at the bottom of the pile.

Stay strong Broken.
Lloydy

 

[Cement]

I am trying to write something inspirational. I have started several times, but it all sounds corny or condescending. So, stream of consciousness is what you will get from me right now...

try a creative outlet of some kind. Drawing, painting, writing (you write well), dancing, music...something.

Another trick I try is to let go. For example, when I am in the line at the grocery store and the guy in front of you is angry cuz the woman in front of him has twelve items in the eight item line and is trying to write a check and the clerk is freaking out and everything is TENSE, move your mind...see the peace and beauty that is so close, yet so far away. smile, even if you have to force yourself, and when it is your turn, say a small pleasantry to the clerk,"I know your day will get better," or some such. You cannot believe how you can connect. That's it. Just walk out and know you have brought joy to another. They will have brought joy to you as well.

I hope there is somewthing for you in there other than bs...

 

[Just Call me J]

Hey B, I like what I hear from the last few posters!

You need to get this stuff off your chest, so find a creative outlet. Lloydy mentioned chess in the park. Maybe you can find a coffeehouse (like that will be hard in HB) and take a book you want to read. Invariably, someone will see what you're reading, and comment. That's the beginning of a conversation.

SoCalJohn has been an inspiration to me at my downtimes in the past so: 1) Nice to hear from you again, dude! and 2) I like his practical suggestions for taking care of yourself (I kind of ripped off his lines anyway...).

Take a radio to the beach, and blast your NIN. Enjoy the rolling and crashing of the surf.

The main thing has to be to get out of your hole. I'm a turtle, so I know how hard it is, but you'll get used to doing it in time.

We're in this together.

Jeremy

 

[MattHodges21]

I am a new member of this site and I just need to say that the comradoree of this site has given me a bit more strength. For a long time 16 years to be exact I lived with being ashamed for what happened to me. But now that I am facing that aspect of my past I have found comfort in knowing that there are others and that I did nothing wrong except not dealing with it sooner. If there are perps in here the can not find me and I would rather have the naive frame of mind that all in this site are more like a communtiy that looks out for one another and supports. I have found that there is too much in life that you can get down about so why let it. We have scars deep ones. Why do we need more to stress over. I have found safe haven in this site and am greatful for it. Just my thoughts.

 

[Just Call me J]

Hear, hear, Matt!

Though your reasons for being here suck, it's nice to have you. I hope you continue to get a lot from this site.

We're in this together.

Jeremy

 

[getteddie]

Hey Broken,
Sounds like time to make another move!!! If you ain't got nothing ...you ain't got nothing to lose! You can't fix the broken person inside of you but you can live with him...make it better...control him...leave him there and move on to building another you! Go somewhere where everyone is a stranger..."The Grand Cayon"...it's the best past in the US to go...to start to rebuild a new you. Scrape up the money for a one way bus ride, Pack and sleeping bag and at least $100 in cash and just go there by yourself...hang out, hike the canyon...live off of money from visitors until you find a job doing anything. Mostly everyone is a stranger...so you can make new friends and air your brains out at the most amazing place in the US! I went there a few years ago...2 years in a row...setting on the rim of the canyon...it's so unreal that it spaces you out to the point of remembering...I think that is where I had my first flashback! Whatever...it the place for all of us..check it out!!!

Eddie

 

[Lloydy]

Eddie
the Canyon is so good, just walk a mile or so away from the tourists and you could be on another planet, a deeply "spiritual" place. I have enlarged photo's that I took of sunset and sunrise across the Canyon on the wall and I look at them every day and want to be there.
I guess I'll just have to make do with the hill behind my house eh ?
Lloydy