Struggling

Insane_pain

Registrant
Hello everyone - thankful to be here

My first memory is my sexual abuse by my babysitter when I was 3. It’s a memory that has been with me every day. I wasn’t able to process it or understand what happened at such a young age. I wasn’t able to communicate it so it was internalized. As I grew up I became hyper sexual and mimicked what happened to me such as with Barbie and Ken dolls. When I discovered masturbation it became my only coping skill to deal with any type of stress. It became a chronic, impulsive behavior especially when pornography was introduced which became my first addiction and have struggled with addiction since. I was heavily bullied in JR high and HS and was struggling with trying to understand my sexuality and came out in mid HS which wasn’t a good experience. My self-esteem and self-worth has suffered. My life has been dominated by the abuse which I didn’t really realize until just a few years ago and the start of the pandemic really brought it out as I had time to reflect on a lot during lock down. My early 20s was filled with unhealthy behaviors and I didn’t really connect the dots bc I suppressed it. Not that I forgot it happened but told myself, made myself believe it didn’t affect me. I’m almost 40 now and really just started to get help for it in December when I relapsed after a breakdown due to work and suffered through a breakup which ended painfully. My life pretty much began with an event that ultimately changed my psyche and from not getting the proper help it transformed me. I can say that most of my unhealthy behavioral decisions has been based on that one event that has been rooted in me so deeply. I find myself crying more lately as I’m finally working through it and looking back on how different my life could’ve been. An event that lasted in a blink of an eye rewrote my entire life. Therapy has been helping me find my self-worth, my self-love, my real happiness…bc all of that comes from within. I don’t know if I will ever be “okay” as the damage has caused scars. But I’m trying to learn to live with it as best I can bc it be changed. I can only accept it and find a way to a make a positive meaning out of it. Was there a deeper meaning - a purpose ? I’ve begun to believe that my purpose has always been to utilize it in a way to help others, to be a voice. To gain an enormous amount of strength and help provide support when it is lacking. I’m still finding it as it has been very recently that suicide has been at the forefront of my mind. But as forlorn as I become, I still can’t bring myself to do it bc there’s a voice as deep as the trauma goes telling me I haven’t reached my potential yet and not give up.

It’s also important for me to say that, as damaging and painful that moment has been, I’m not and have never been angry with the person who did it. Which has been crucial to dealing with it. Harboring any time of negative feeling towards that person would only keep me in the past and not move onward. That’s not to say what he did was okay. Abuse of any kind is never okay. But as with anyone, I try to understand and be empathic bc he may have been abused himself. He may have coped with his own pain by doing that to me. I don’t know why he did it but I forgave him. Ive never judged or condemned. We are all presented with hardships and it will continue til the end. One thing that has been hard for me is being able to adjust to change. To accept what has become. But I’m learning to do that better. Everyone has their own journey. We have to trust the process and let go. When I can do that, I’ll be free of the torment that plagued my life.

Thank you for reading.
 
Welcome! I'm sorry for what you went through as a child, & how that has impacted you over the years since. I hope you find this place helpful as there are many men here with different experiences & perspectives, & you don't have to go thru it alone. Best of luck & take care of yourself!
 

Darren White

Greeter
Staff member
@Insane_pain
the things we hide from ourselves, the dots we don't connect until years later...
You are not alone, and I am glad you reached out and found us.
 

Insane_pain

Registrant
Thank you. I appreciate those words. Not only have I been hiding from myself but also with everyone else around me. There are a select few in my life who know everything and are there for me but they don’t understand, they can try to, what something like this has done to me my entire life. I’ve lived with it every day. And the events that have occurred since. It’s really hard to come to terms with it and get on the right path of recovery. But I’m hoping this is part of that right path.
 

Insane_pain

Registrant
Welcome! I'm sorry for what you went through as a child, & how that has impacted you over the years since. I hope you find this place helpful as there are many men here with different experiences & perspectives, & you don't have to go thru it alone. Best of luck & take care of yourself!
Thank you. It has felt for most of my life I’ve gone through it alone. I’m glad to be here. Take care of yourself.
 
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