Struggling

[Tryingtolive]

for anyone going through a rough time I pray.
Especially ones that are still quiet about there abuse.
It sucks we might hurt others with our story's.
I stay quiet.

I'am one of those guys...
Who can't open up.
Afraid of what might happen.
The fear dictates me.
I numb myself out.
That's the only way to make the pain go away.

I've been struggling for quite some time now.


I've told myself too many times.
To quit with alcohol.
Iam a moderate drinker
I can't share my secret.
I'm sorry for not being able too malesurvivor

 

[ForeverFighting]

My biological family was a black, bottomless pit of secrets. I had no idea how bad it was. But for me, healing could not happen behind that locked door. I wondered, what's the worst that could happen if I said something now? So little by little, I told about being tormented and beaten by my father, raped by my uncle, and raised in my mother's "perfect" delusional world. Slowly I began to see changes. My secretive family and former "friends" who were using me became more distant. I began to find real friends who care about me for who I am. I can talk to guys like you who have been through terrible stuff, but we've survived. And it all started right here--telling my story, sometimes over and over again, to the guys here.

I had a therapist once who told me that trust is not 0% or 100%. We can try for 10%, see how it goes, and if we survive, we can try for 15%.

What might happen? Now, years later, I've told a lot of people under the right circumstances. My past is a fact of my life. I survived it, and I'm going to have an emotional "limp" for the rest of my life, probably. I go to counseling, I take medication to keep the anxiety down, and I try to keep myself out of triggering situations the best that I can. In any case, the more open I can be about my life, the better things seem to go.

I hope you're able to tell your story eventually. It hurts like crazy, like pulling a giant shard of something out to let the body start healing. I needed the support of a good therapist through the process. But at least the healing process can begin.

Take care.

 

[KMCINVA]

ForeverFighting

Well done. The secrets of a family can be devastating and destructive. I was not abused by a family member but rather a priest. When I began to fall apart many decades late because of this secret my family turned against me--failed to accept the abuse despite the physical and emotional aspects that were evident--syncope, dissociation and so much more. They are people who believe they know more than experts. It further destroyed. Like you I found loving and kind people who have given me life, support and love. The family wallows in its self perceptions which will slowly destroy them. I hope they change and realize abuse is torturous and has long term impacts.

I am glad you are finding a life you deserve. Keep going.

Kevin

 

[KMCINVA]

TryingtoLive

The secret is what ultimately does the most harm to us. We hurt ourselves, it is our story despite how others react or choose to tell the story. You have support here and if you have fears of our others react, find supportive and kind people. Keeping it in only holds you back.

Take care of yourself. Your poems have so much wisdom within them

Kevin

 

[DannyT]

tryingtolive,

You aren't gong to hurt anyone here with your story.

And you don't have to tell it, either.

But each time you post, you post a part of it, little bits emerging.

After all, you told the story just by opening up and admitting to the abuse happening. That's the story, isn't it? That you were abused, that we were all abused?

You've told it all.

Now you can just practice letting the bits of detail continue to emerge.

If you want to tell more of the story, I'd suggest doing it that way. Start a thread on the stories board and just write as much in the first entry as you want to. Then write another one another day. It doesn't have to be the whole thing, ever.

It could just be breakfast the day it first happened. just the day, not the abuse, to open the door. The telling does seem to be part of the healing. I know it was for me. I told my best friend while we were driving. I remember the sky seemed to darken as I spoke. But it was good.

Best wishes,

Danny