I am stuck at a crossroads and needing help moving forward. I have told my wife the following, and we have had seemingly endless discussions in the past month about it.
- I have a physical and romantic/emotional attraction to women, and have always felt this attraction and arousal since puberty.
- I have a physical attraction to men, and have always felt this attraction since puberty.
- I believe and acknowledge that my male attraction is impacted to some degree if not caused by the sexual abuse. I definitely feel the "eroticizing the abuse" effect fits for me.
- I am willing to accept that the male attraction may be a natural part of me. It has maintained a presence post-therapy, post-healing.
- I don't think I will ever really know my true sexuality because the abuse happened starting age 6/7, with intermittent periods through my teens, and I've tried so hard and so long to separate the abuse from the natural me.
- I believe that in order to unbundle the lingering shame I feel about being attracted to men, I need to fully accept and be at peace with the belief that I am naturally attracted to men just like I am attracted to women. This "premise" is based on the belief that I will find compassion and acceptance for myself and give up the shame.
- In other words, I have to be accepting of all the scenarios - naturally and always attracted to men and women to straight and abuse influenced/caused the male attraction.
Also want to add that I have greatly benefitted from the healing and recovery I experienced from first and foremost by being part of MaleSurvivor (and hence the reason for volunteering for MS), from several incredible skills and compassionate therapists who have an expertise in working with sexually abused men like me, and the support of a loving, intelligent and compassionate wife. But right now, this new part believing and accepting the male attraction is a natural and true part of me is turning out to be extremely hard for my wife to accept (for reasons I don't want to share for her privacy). I hope I haven't blown up my marriage, and I am hoping that by being honest with her, and giving her the honesty she has always asked for, that honesty and truth are going to win out.
So what is my crossroads exactly? I think it is how do I move on when I am afraid to lose my relationship. I have culled these forums for how others have answered the "true sexuality" question for themselves and I respect everyone's personal decisions. For me though, I am finding it easier to accept all the sexuality scenarios as concurrently existing and being true, for the basic fundamental reason that it is not possible to turn back time. We have no
pensive like Dumbledore had in the Potter series. I can only do what I feel fits for me, and this is my path to move forward, which is the same I've read others are doing.