Struggling with Bisexuality

Slimjim

New Registrant
Hello, I am new to this as my therapist just recommended that this would be helpful for me. I recently came out as bisexual and this has been a hard thing for me to deal with. For the longest time, I rejected this part of myself because of the assault that happened to me. I thought that there was no way that I could be attracted to men when a man is the one who did this to me and left me scarred. Now that I am out though, I am scared of what is going to happen when I get in a serious relationship with a man. Right now I can't imagine myself being sexual with a man without triggering flashbacks and making me panicked and stressed. I know this is who I am, I can imagine myself falling in love with another man, but anything that becomes sexual scares me. No one understands what I am going through. My friends who have helped me come out are supportive and all, but no one really understand the struggle and fear I have. I am hoping that I am not alone in thinking this and that posting on here I can find others going through similar situations to me.
 
I am so sorry for what happened to you and that it is causing you fear about being intimate with a man. Sex is a beautiful gift that allows us to experience intimacy, pleasure and joy. I didn't realize until this year that my abuser stole a healthy sex life from me for the first 25 years of ,my marriage. It has only been this year as I have healed from the abuse that I have begun to understand and experience my sexuality uninfluenced by the abuse. Realizing I am bisexual has been a tough realization. I am not sure why it has been so hard for me to accept it. In one respect it doesn't really matter for me. I am married to a woman and will never be with anyone else. She and I have a quite satisfying sex life and I am happy to be with her the rest of my life.

Congratulations on coming out. I am glad that the abuse from a man didn't cause you to cut off or try to deny that part of your life. I am also glad you have supportive friends. I told my best friend and he was cool with it. And when I told my wife she said she had known about it since before we got married and it never bothered her. Having that support has definitely made it better.

Your fear about being with a man is totally reasonable. Sex is a complicated issue for many of us with CSA in our past. I think when you find the right guy you will be able to open up to him and he will be patient as your intimate relationship develops.

This is such a difficult road that we have to walk. I am glad that you are starting to claim who you are. It is a way to take your life back from your abuser.
 
You are not alone. I struggle with the fear of sex and intimacy. It has destroyed the few attempts I have made to be in a relationship. I'm in my 50s and have struggled with this all my life.
 

The Bluefoot

Registrant
Welcome to.our special group. You are in the Place. This is where we start our journey to recover II too am a pie male and was sexually abused from age 6 and a 1/2 to 17 and a 1/2. I gave you the girl on high school during the abuse period of time where I was abused Mostly by Men. I did not come out until I was 36 years old and by then I had dated a few men some women but mostly was asexual and it came in the relationship to sex I viewed away from it Heavily. Then I found my dream person and I married him when marriage was in the lounge yet under civil disobedience yet it will disobedience we are now legally married 17 yet it's 17 years and hes the most beautiful person in the world but but sexual relationships suffer for both of us we we're both of us we were both abused as children and neither one of us are interested in sex so we seem to be a perfect match for each othat's right each other. Good luck on your journey
You will find others like you.
 

CarbonTiger

Registrant
I'll add this quote, as I feel its relevant and helpful for a different perspective.

Bernard M. Baruch — 'Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.'

It takes away the weight of other's opinions' ya know?

I would also like to point out that you are 20 years old, no one i've ever come across or knew had it all figured out at that age. It's a good thing because you are in control of your romantic endeavors. You get to decide where when and how and quite frankly, you get to decide which sex.

It can be overwhelming when you think of all that but it doesnt have to weigh you down. What I got from your post is that you have supportive friends. That's huge! Celebrate that and take it easy on yourself. You will make mistakes however small or big in your 20's. Remember that you have the ability to control how you react to whats happened and what will happen.

Fuck, I did. I rarely talk about my rape when I was 26/27 because I failed to recognize the red flags in my naivety. I know why I was put in that situation. What made it worse was that I was bullied on social media of course. Lord knows, I didnt go down without slicing his jugular tho, lol! Anyway, I hope these comments help you.

This place is sacred. You are not alone here no matter what your mind tells you. Some days its extremely hard to believe in this. You will feel it though if you stick around long enough.

Good luck & be well,
Ct
 
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Dolphin42

Registrant
In the last few years I too embraced my bisexuality. The first time I dated a man was a dare from a therapist. A few years later he and I still meet up occasionally and are friends. It was scary and nerve wracking to put myself in a position of having sex with a man for the first time. (This was before memories of my CSA were remembered). My hope, and my fear, was that I would totally enjoy sex with another man. I did. The first guy was experienced and I was honest with him that I wasn't experienced. He helped me be successful at it and learn and have fun over a year of dates. Some gay men on the dating sites rejected my inexperience. That was fine too. Now I'm romantically involved with a different man, and I have sexual confidence around him so the sex aspect of dating a man isn't a worry anymore.
 

manipulated

Moderator
Staff member
SlimJim:
Freedom to be, freedom to allow yourself to experience without judgment of self or by others, freedom to discover your own personal truth is sooooo important. It took me six decades to lose the baggage of my parents, their church, some members of my church (luckily not all) and allow myself that freedom. Please don't let societal baggage, much of it implanted by the labels society expects limit this time in your life to responsibly allow yourself the freedom to explore and know YOU better.

Manipulated
 

Samson360

Registrant
Hello, I am new to this as my therapist just recommended that this would be helpful for me. I recently came out as bisexual and this has been a hard thing for me to deal with. For the longest time, I rejected this part of myself because of the assault that happened to me. I thought that there was no way that I could be attracted to men when a man is the one who did this to me and left me scarred. Now that I am out though, I am scared of what is going to happen when I get in a serious relationship with a man. Right now I can't imagine myself being sexual with a man without triggering flashbacks and making me panicked and stressed. I know this is who I am, I can imagine myself falling in love with another man, but anything that becomes sexual scares me. No one understands what I am going through. My friends who have helped me come out are supportive and all, but no one really understand the struggle and fear I have. I am hoping that I am not alone in thinking this and that posting on here I can find others going through similar situations to me.
Hello Slimjim, welcome to our forum. During the ages of 9 and 11 I was taken advantage of, sexually by my 19 year old male cousin and it did affect me much all through my adult life. My cousin gained my complete trust. I was a very shy little boy and would not allow anyone to see my nakedness. I felt special, that my cool older cousin even wanted to spend time with me, so at first, not only did I want to please him, I had the curiosity of a 9 year old. We would shower together, which I thought was innocent and I really liked seeing David naked. At 9 I didn't have much between my legs, but David was very large and I think I admired that. I did not have a proclivity towards males but that did change in time. At first he assured me that it was normal for the two of us to take off all of our clothes and lay next to each other in bed. I did enjoy holding his erect penis in my hands and rub him. He also would fondle me but I really did not think it felt good and I didn't get an erection, I don't think I had, had one yet as I was just 9. He did things that for sure I did not like. When I was 11, I was diagnosed with a neuromuscular disease and had to start wearing leg braces. I think he lost interest and the abuse stopped. Anyway when I began puberty and started having a lot of erections, I began having a fixation for looking at photos of naked men, I would masturbate to these photos. I also loved it when my best friend would stay over and we would, as soon as we could, stripped naked, we lived in the country so we would hang out in the woods naked and we would have erections and we began masturbating with each other. In highschool I dated girls but when it came to intimacy I would panic. I didn't ever think of myself as gay, seeing photos of naked girls just did not excite me at all. But showering with the other boys was really great to see their bodies and would compare my penis to theirs. Anyway I remained a virgin and only recently came to believe that I must be gay, but was in denial and did not seek to have sex with other guys.But then about 6 years ago my best friend was in town and he came over. We took off our clothes, which was just something we liked to do. We sat in front of the TV, watching porn and Mike, out of the blue, asked me if I would like him to suck my penis. We were both high and drinking and I said yes. So we went about 2 hours of having some really great sex. Thats the one and only time that I did that. I do often wish I would be with a man again. At the present time, when I need to masturbate, I have to watch gay porn to even get an erection. Man, I guess this was kinda long. But I do relate to you in many ways. Just remember, the most important thing is that you be yourself. My best wishes for you in the relationship department...
 
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