Struggling with Bisexuality

Slimjim

New Registrant
Hello, I am new to this as my therapist just recommended that this would be helpful for me. I recently came out as bisexual and this has been a hard thing for me to deal with. For the longest time, I rejected this part of myself because of the assault that happened to me. I thought that there was no way that I could be attracted to men when a man is the one who did this to me and left me scarred. Now that I am out though, I am scared of what is going to happen when I get in a serious relationship with a man. Right now I can't imagine myself being sexual with a man without triggering flashbacks and making me panicked and stressed. I know this is who I am, I can imagine myself falling in love with another man, but anything that becomes sexual scares me. No one understands what I am going through. My friends who have helped me come out are supportive and all, but no one really understand the struggle and fear I have. I am hoping that I am not alone in thinking this and that posting on here I can find others going through similar situations to me.
 
I am so sorry for what happened to you and that it is causing you fear about being intimate with a man. Sex is a beautiful gift that allows us to experience intimacy, pleasure and joy. I didn't realize until this year that my abuser stole a healthy sex life from me for the first 25 years of ,my marriage. It has only been this year as I have healed from the abuse that I have begun to understand and experience my sexuality uninfluenced by the abuse. Realizing I am bisexual has been a tough realization. I am not sure why it has been so hard for me to accept it. In one respect it doesn't really matter for me. I am married to a woman and will never be with anyone else. She and I have a quite satisfying sex life and I am happy to be with her the rest of my life.

Congratulations on coming out. I am glad that the abuse from a man didn't cause you to cut off or try to deny that part of your life. I am also glad you have supportive friends. I told my best friend and he was cool with it. And when I told my wife she said she had known about it since before we got married and it never bothered her. Having that support has definitely made it better.

Your fear about being with a man is totally reasonable. Sex is a complicated issue for many of us with CSA in our past. I think when you find the right guy you will be able to open up to him and he will be patient as your intimate relationship develops.

This is such a difficult road that we have to walk. I am glad that you are starting to claim who you are. It is a way to take your life back from your abuser.
 
You are not alone. I struggle with the fear of sex and intimacy. It has destroyed the few attempts I have made to be in a relationship. I'm in my 50s and have struggled with this all my life.
 

The Bluefoot

Registrant
Welcome to.our special group. You are in the Place. This is where we start our journey to recover II too am a pie male and was sexually abused from age 6 and a 1/2 to 17 and a 1/2. I gave you the girl on high school during the abuse period of time where I was abused Mostly by Men. I did not come out until I was 36 years old and by then I had dated a few men some women but mostly was asexual and it came in the relationship to sex I viewed away from it Heavily. Then I found my dream person and I married him when marriage was in the lounge yet under civil disobedience yet it will disobedience we are now legally married 17 yet it's 17 years and hes the most beautiful person in the world but but sexual relationships suffer for both of us we we're both of us we were both abused as children and neither one of us are interested in sex so we seem to be a perfect match for each othat's right each other. Good luck on your journey
You will find others like you.
 

CarbonTiger

Registrant
I'll add this quote, as I feel its relevant and helpful for a different perspective.

Bernard M. Baruch — 'Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.'

It takes away the weight of other's opinions' ya know?

I would also like to point out that you are 20 years old, no one i've ever come across or knew had it all figured out at that age. It's a good thing because you are in control of your romantic endeavors. You get to decide where when and how and quite frankly, you get to decide which sex.

It can be overwhelming when you think of all that but it doesnt have to weigh you down. What I got from your post is that you have supportive friends. That's huge! Celebrate that and take it easy on yourself. You will make mistakes however small or big in your 20's. Remember that you have the ability to control how you react to whats happened and what will happen.

Fuck, I did. I rarely talk about my rape when I was 26/27 because I failed to recognize the red flags in my naivety. I know why I was put in that situation. What made it worse was that I was bullied on social media of course. Lord knows, I didnt go down without slicing his jugular tho, lol! Anyway, I hope these comments help you.

This place is sacred. You are not alone here no matter what your mind tells you. Some days its extremely hard to believe in this. You will feel it though if you stick around long enough.

Good luck & be well,
Ct
 
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Dolphin42

Registrant
In the last few years I too embraced my bisexuality. The first time I dated a man was a dare from a therapist. A few years later he and I still meet up occasionally and are friends. It was scary and nerve wracking to put myself in a position of having sex with a man for the first time. (This was before memories of my CSA were remembered). My hope, and my fear, was that I would totally enjoy sex with another man. I did. The first guy was experienced and I was honest with him that I wasn't experienced. He helped me be successful at it and learn and have fun over a year of dates. Some gay men on the dating sites rejected my inexperience. That was fine too. Now I'm romantically involved with a different man, and I have sexual confidence around him so the sex aspect of dating a man isn't a worry anymore.
 

manipulated

Moderator
Staff member
SlimJim:
Freedom to be, freedom to allow yourself to experience without judgment of self or by others, freedom to discover your own personal truth is sooooo important. It took me six decades to lose the baggage of my parents, their church, some members of my church (luckily not all) and allow myself that freedom. Please don't let societal baggage, much of it implanted by the labels society expects limit this time in your life to responsibly allow yourself the freedom to explore and know YOU better.

Manipulated
 

Samson360

Registrant
Hello, I am new to this as my therapist just recommended that this would be helpful for me. I recently came out as bisexual and this has been a hard thing for me to deal with. For the longest time, I rejected this part of myself because of the assault that happened to me. I thought that there was no way that I could be attracted to men when a man is the one who did this to me and left me scarred. Now that I am out though, I am scared of what is going to happen when I get in a serious relationship with a man. Right now I can't imagine myself being sexual with a man without triggering flashbacks and making me panicked and stressed. I know this is who I am, I can imagine myself falling in love with another man, but anything that becomes sexual scares me. No one understands what I am going through. My friends who have helped me come out are supportive and all, but no one really understand the struggle and fear I have. I am hoping that I am not alone in thinking this and that posting on here I can find others going through similar situations to me.
Hello Slimjim, welcome to our forum. During the ages of 9 and 11 I was taken advantage of, sexually by my 19 year old male cousin and it did affect me much all through my adult life. My cousin gained my complete trust. I was a very shy little boy and would not allow anyone to see my nakedness. I felt special, that my cool older cousin even wanted to spend time with me, so at first, not only did I want to please him, I had the curiosity of a 9 year old. We would shower together, which I thought was innocent and I really liked seeing David naked. At 9 I didn't have much between my legs, but David was very large and I think I admired that. I did not have a proclivity towards males but that did change in time. At first he assured me that it was normal for the two of us to take off all of our clothes and lay next to each other in bed. I did enjoy holding his erect penis in my hands and rub him. He also would fondle me but I really did not think it felt good and I didn't get an erection, I don't think I had, had one yet as I was just 9. He did things that for sure I did not like. When I was 11, I was diagnosed with a neuromuscular disease and had to start wearing leg braces. I think he lost interest and the abuse stopped. Anyway when I began puberty and started having a lot of erections, I began having a fixation for looking at photos of naked men, I would masturbate to these photos. I also loved it when my best friend would stay over and we would, as soon as we could, stripped naked, we lived in the country so we would hang out in the woods naked and we would have erections and we began masturbating with each other. In highschool I dated girls but when it came to intimacy I would panic. I didn't ever think of myself as gay, seeing photos of naked girls just did not excite me at all. But showering with the other boys was really great to see their bodies and would compare my penis to theirs. Anyway I remained a virgin and only recently came to believe that I must be gay, but was in denial and did not seek to have sex with other guys.But then about 6 years ago my best friend was in town and he came over. We took off our clothes, which was just something we liked to do. We sat in front of the TV, watching porn and Mike, out of the blue, asked me if I would like him to suck my penis. We were both high and drinking and I said yes. So we went about 2 hours of having some really great sex. Thats the one and only time that I did that. I do often wish I would be with a man again. At the present time, when I need to masturbate, I have to watch gay porn to even get an erection. Man, I guess this was kinda long. But I do relate to you in many ways. Just remember, the most important thing is that you be yourself. My best wishes for you in the relationship department...
 
Interesting report on bisexuality was rebroadcast this week on NPR, aired on the program 1A. I could have just started a new topic but thought it better to post in an existing topic and thus alert anyone following this topic. Not sure how long the recorded program will be available and there is also a transcript. The link: Putting the B in LGBTQ

Of particular note is this passage from the transcript:

At 11:19 mark of program, the interviewer asks: "Phil, there is this paradox, that you mentioned there at the top of your response, that the bisexual community is the largest LGBT group. But in this case it feels like there's very little strength in numbers, right. Why do you think there is that paradox?"

Reply by Phillip Hammack at 11:19.40 : " Well, first of all, I should say I think that it is shifting. It is changing with greater bi visibility, thankfully. And I really think that this is a holdover. This is a legacy of our 20th century era which was so dominated by binary thinking around gender and sexuality. And as a consequence, kind of understandably, the larger LGBTQ community was so dominated by gay and lesbian people. And so I do think that we're seeing more empowerment. I think bi visibility can only increase. And, really, the language, I think, is gradually shifting within LGBTQ spaces to recognize the full spectrum of diversities within the ever expanding acronym."

If the report is taken offline, I have the transcript saved should someone need a copy, please PM me. Thanks.
 

manipulated

Moderator
Staff member
Thanks for the NPR link I caught just a bit of the broadcast and wanted to hear more but like so many other things lost that thought - now I have it. Even better I should have time to read it this weekend. I admit I understand the need for identity and the acceptance of that identity both personally and societally but I still hate the hang ups on labels. Labels divide rather unite. Labels create an easy growth environment for hate than a better Petri dish for acceptance.
 
@manipulated I agree with your thoughts on labels. However, I am conflicted about them. When my T and I began discussing sexuality he talked about the problem with labels and the need for me to accept that sexuality is complex and doesn't fit well within a label. Though I understand what he was saying and why, I also bristled at it. I told him that it pisses me of that the 90% of men who are confidently heterosexual can easily claim their label while the rest of us have to accept the complexities of sex. It makes me feel like a freak. It makes me feel 'other'. Of course my T quite unphased simply said "ok then pick a label". I know that life is hard for heterosexuals but it is easier than being LGBTQ.
 

Nyital731

Registrant
Hello, I am new to this as my therapist just recommended that this would be helpful for me. I recently came out as bisexual and this has been a hard thing for me to deal with. For the longest time, I rejected this part of myself because of the assault that happened to me. I thought that there was no way that I could be attracted to men when a man is the one who did this to me and left me scarred. Now that I am out though, I am scared of what is going to happen when I get in a serious relationship with a man. Right now I can't imagine myself being sexual with a man without triggering flashbacks and making me panicked and stressed. I know this is who I am, I can imagine myself falling in love with another man, but anything that becomes sexual scares me. No one understands what I am going through. My friends who have helped me come out are supportive and all, but no one really understand the struggle and fear I have. I am hoping that I am not alone in thinking this and that posting on here I can find others going through similar situations to me.
You’re not alone!!! You need to take it slow and decide when and if you want to take it to the next level. If you’re being coerced into engaging in a sexual experience and feel uncomfortable just say you’re not ready. If someone cares about you they will understand your position and if they don’t understand than they are not worth having anyway. Good luck my friend!! Regards Ray
 
Hi all, circling back to this thread to see if I there is something I can read or learn to help me with my latest twist in my story that I am struggling with. So I have opened up to my wife about trying to unbundle the shame which I feel attached to being physically attracted to men. For the first time, I discussed with her details about previous sexual relationships I had with men. I always hesitated to do this out of shame of my actions, and how hurtful it would be for her to hear details. But she has long suffered over it, and is trying to understand and get some healing for herself, for ourselves and our relationship. To get to the point, she pieced together a pattern that I never realized and it was this: While I describe that I am physically attracted to men, the men that I have "willingly" (and by that I mean for the time being Im excluding abusers) engaged in sex with, all have been men that I did not find attractive physically. Yet, due to the logistics and transactional nature of hooking up, they met the minimum requirements. And when she pointed this out, about not finding them attractive/handsome etc, I was really dumbstruck and speechless. This was last night, and today I'm trying to put some sense to it. When she posed the question, well what did you find attractive about this guy and that guy, my answer was always the same: I didn't really think he was attractive, but I knew I could have sex with him. So presently I am wondering about the connection between the similarity of not being physically attracted to male abusers (adult male employer, older friend, older cousins, older teacher) and not being attracted to the men that I've had sex with in my adult life. Also need to restate that presently I do experience a physical attraction to some men who are to me good looking. I acknowledge it, like it, and am at peace with it. I don't feel the need to act on it.
 
@brother2none
I first must say I am admire your courage in being able to have this discussion. That must have been frightening. I only told my wife when I had no choice-and was diagnosed with HIV.

Secondly-of the 70+ men I was with over a 6-year period before I acquired HIV, I only found 2 attractive. The others were a piece of meat-or I was their toy.
Thank you for sharing.
Joe
 
Thank you @NotAshamed1962 for sharing so personal a reply. It is astounding to realize the "unattractive attraction" pattern. To know Im not alone in that has me thinking about it. For me, I am wondering if this is due to the logistics requirements that I needed or if it was a strategy for making me feel like I had more control.

For consideration to those following this thread, found this free online test for sexual orientation, expands the Kinsey Scale. What none of these do however is to take into consideration the role/effect of sexual abuse. https://www.idrlabs.com/sexual-orientation/test.php

But still, I found it revealing. Anyone who doesn't like labels is probably not going to like this survey.
 
I am stuck at a crossroads and needing help moving forward. I have told my wife the following, and we have had seemingly endless discussions in the past month about it.

  • I have a physical and romantic/emotional attraction to women, and have always felt this attraction and arousal since puberty.
  • I have a physical attraction to men, and have always felt this attraction since puberty.
  • I believe and acknowledge that my male attraction is impacted to some degree if not caused by the sexual abuse. I definitely feel the "eroticizing the abuse" effect fits for me.
  • I am willing to accept that the male attraction may be a natural part of me. It has maintained a presence post-therapy, post-healing.
  • I don't think I will ever really know my true sexuality because the abuse happened starting age 6/7, with intermittent periods through my teens, and I've tried so hard and so long to separate the abuse from the natural me.
  • I believe that in order to unbundle the lingering shame I feel about being attracted to men, I need to fully accept and be at peace with the belief that I am naturally attracted to men just like I am attracted to women. This "premise" is based on the belief that I will find compassion and acceptance for myself and give up the shame.
  • In other words, I have to be accepting of all the scenarios - naturally and always attracted to men and women to straight and abuse influenced/caused the male attraction.
Also want to add that I have greatly benefitted from the healing and recovery I experienced from first and foremost by being part of MaleSurvivor (and hence the reason for volunteering for MS), from several incredible skills and compassionate therapists who have an expertise in working with sexually abused men like me, and the support of a loving, intelligent and compassionate wife. But right now, this new part believing and accepting the male attraction is a natural and true part of me is turning out to be extremely hard for my wife to accept (for reasons I don't want to share for her privacy). I hope I haven't blown up my marriage, and I am hoping that by being honest with her, and giving her the honesty she has always asked for, that honesty and truth are going to win out.

So what is my crossroads exactly? I think it is how do I move on when I am afraid to lose my relationship. I have culled these forums for how others have answered the "true sexuality" question for themselves and I respect everyone's personal decisions. For me though, I am finding it easier to accept all the sexuality scenarios as concurrently existing and being true, for the basic fundamental reason that it is not possible to turn back time. We have no pensive like Dumbledore had in the Potter series. I can only do what I feel fits for me, and this is my path to move forward, which is the same I've read others are doing.
 
I am stuck at a crossroads and needing help moving forward. I have told my wife the following, and we have had seemingly endless discussions in the past month about it.

  • I have a physical and romantic/emotional attraction to women, and have always felt this attraction and arousal since puberty.
  • I have a physical attraction to men, and have always felt this attraction since puberty.
  • I believe and acknowledge that my male attraction is impacted to some degree if not caused by the sexual abuse. I definitely feel the "eroticizing the abuse" effect fits for me.
  • I am willing to accept that the male attraction may be a natural part of me. It has maintained a presence post-therapy, post-healing.
  • I don't think I will ever really know my true sexuality because the abuse happened starting age 6/7, with intermittent periods through my teens, and I've tried so hard and so long to separate the abuse from the natural me.
  • I believe that in order to unbundle the lingering shame I feel about being attracted to men, I need to fully accept and be at peace with the belief that I am naturally attracted to men just like I am attracted to women. This "premise" is based on the belief that I will find compassion and acceptance for myself and give up the shame.
  • In other words, I have to be accepting of all the scenarios - naturally and always attracted to men and women to straight and abuse influenced/caused the male attraction.
Also want to add that I have greatly benefitted from the healing and recovery I experienced from first and foremost by being part of MaleSurvivor (and hence the reason for volunteering for MS), from several incredible skills and compassionate therapists who have an expertise in working with sexually abused men like me, and the support of a loving, intelligent and compassionate wife. But right now, this new part believing and accepting the male attraction is a natural and true part of me is turning out to be extremely hard for my wife to accept (for reasons I don't want to share for her privacy). I hope I haven't blown up my marriage, and I am hoping that by being honest with her, and giving her the honesty she has always asked for, that honesty and truth are going to win out.

So what is my crossroads exactly? I think it is how do I move on when I am afraid to lose my relationship. I have culled these forums for how others have answered the "true sexuality" question for themselves and I respect everyone's personal decisions. For me though, I am finding it easier to accept all the sexuality scenarios as concurrently existing and being true, for the basic fundamental reason that it is not possible to turn back time. We have no pensive like Dumbledore had in the Potter series. I can only do what I feel fits for me, and this is my path to move forward, which is the same I've read others are doing.
@brother2none, I can relate with so much of what you as are saying and feeling. It's a deep down internal struggle that still carries the shroud of shame with it. I'm going to let my wife read your post, cause we have had the same conversations. I believe the the imprint of SSA, is caused by the abuse from age 4 to 9. I feel it has permanently altered me forever, I don't see it ever going away. I only see that it will be something that I will need to keep in check and not act on if I want to maintain my marriage. I still work really hard on continuing to process the trauma and the impact it has had on my inner child. I am who I am, there is no label that I care to be under. I know in my heart that I try to be and live as a good man. I so appreciate you sharing this post, but know my friend you are in no way alone. I feel we must make all our own decisions on what we can do to live of life with as much peace and happiness we can possibly find. LRD
 
@brother2none and @LRD


***Possible trigger warning***
I can relate to this as well. I wanted to do to my 7th grade friend what my abuser did to me-suck him off. Those desires are still with me.

These feelings stayed buried for 35 years and then I began getting “massages” from male prostitutes.

6 years, 70+ Men, 250 encounters & $30,000 later, I had to confess all to my wife when I was diagnosed with HIV. She stayed with me and I’ve been in therapy 3.5 years. My SSA is not as strong, but it is still there. However, “the growl” in my loins is not nearly as strong-thank goodness.

The feelings can dissipate-but it takes work-and The Holy Spirit, in my case.

That said, I believe I will always have these underlying feelings and desires. I also know I will never act on those desires again. It’s not worth it.

I wish you well.
 
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