Struggling (TRIGGERS POSSIBLE IN FOLLOWING POSTS)

[Esterio]

I am allergic morphine. I self medicated for most of my life and was able to push it a side until the night came that I couldn't do that anymore. I was having Night terrors no memories of what about, I would just wake up soaked in sweat cold sitting in the middle of my bed in a full on panic attack.

It didn't make me feel better after telling her as I really didn't know I told her what I thought it was.

I think it is common in people to hold it in for years and decades, some take it to there grave I know to many that did.

I probably had a need to be validated by other men. I helped a few escape abuse and hear their stories and never told anything of mine in the sexual abuse. I heard several stories over my life, I was not able to share mine as to these people I was their rock and felt I couldn't be vulnerable.
and can see the benefit in sharing if you are ready to share, I am not really ready to share my whole story and that maybe holding me back and a place I do need therapy to help me with that.

I even had a guy that was in his Nineties say his story of growing up in an orphanage during the second world war. Sexual abuse was part of his story. He told me he was small so he had no way to protect himself. He started to talk with me in a care home I volunteer at. He saw me struggling one day and came a sat with me and my Mom was how I met him.

My main therapy is to escape into the forest and enjoy nature or to hangout in my garden is therapy. I have learned to live with myself over time, Some times are hard and I just try not to remain there.

My wife help me to get into therapy. Took me to a friend of hers that was trained in CSA but she was to close and said it wouldn't be a good fit so she sent us to our HMO and she gave me a letter to introduce me which helped me to go.

Like I said I self medicated with drugs first and then alcohol that seemed to help for years. I don't drink anymore maybe a drink with a friend but for the most part my alcohol is just there to look at. I should get rid of it but I don't see any harm in it sitting in its cabinet, I have a bottle for most of my friends of what they drink and I inherited my Dad's collection of drinks for his friends. They are all gone now but one the scotch drinker. So it is just something from the past. Maybe I will get rid of it when I move.

 

[aryanscrystallinenebula]

@Esterio

I am allergic morphine.

Morphine is the only narcotic I can take. Xanax is the only controlled I can barely handle. But I'd rather not take them if I can do without them.

I probably had a need to be validated by other men. I helped a few escape abuse and hear their stories and never told anything of mine in the sexual abuse. I heard several stories over my life, I was not able to share mine as to these people I was their rock and felt I couldn't be vulnerable and can see the benefit in sharing if you are ready to share, I am not really ready to share my whole story and that maybe holding me back and a place I do need therapy to help me with that.

Well, only you know when you're ready to share your own story with someone. That's completely up to you. You may never feel up to sharing your story. But the fact that you help others in spite of your life of suffering says a lot about your character man. You're a hero to me man.

If my dad hadn't found out or if my wife hadn't of known I would not have felt this need to do something about it now. I would've just kept it to myself. My father came to my house when I was assaulted because I locked myself in the bathroom and wouldn't let my wife in. I was suturing myself on my arms. And I took a shower to get the blood and mud off of me. My wife was trying to get me to go to the hospital but I wouldn't do it. She called my dad and he was in my bedroom waiting for me to come out of the bathroom. She told him she suspected I was raped. He demanded I go to the hospital. But I refused. I argued with him for about 10 to 15 minutes that I didn't want him to examine me. I didn't want to do that.

But I heard my dad say something I've never heard him say in my entire life. He said he loved me and couldn't stand by and do nothing when I'm hurt. So I let him examine me. He's a doctor. He already had an idea what happened to me. He asked me what happened and all I told him was, "I was attacked." I didn't really need to tell him. He knew. He examined me and he could see very clearly what happened to me. Doctors aren't really supposed to treat their own family. It's not ethical. However, he didn't care. He was being a dad to me. Not a doctor.

I would've never told anyone had it not been for my wife opening up her mouth to my dad. I was upset at her for a few days but got over it soon enough. And because they knew about it, I felt pressured to get help. That's what happens when your wife is a psychiatrist and your dad is a retired surgeon.

Like I said I self medicated with drugs first and then alcohol that seemed to help for years. I don't drink anymore maybe a drink with a friend but for the most part my alcohol is just there to look at. I should get rid of it but I don't see any harm in it sitting in its cabinet, I have a bottle for most of my friends of what they drink and I inherited my Dad's collection of drinks for his friends. They are all gone now but one the scotch drinker. So it is just something from the past. Maybe I will get rid of it when I move.

I don't see any harm in keeping liquor for sentimental purposes or for when you're entertaining guests. Unless you yourself are an alcoholic and rather not be around the stuff.

I don't drink either. But after this happened I did get myself drunk on Jack a few times. It's not something I do often. But I wasn't thinking. I never do occasional drinking nor get drunk. But I resorted to the stuff because I felt like I needed it to numb my head and quiet all the rapist's words I kept hearing him say to me. I couldn't stop thinking about what he said. I needed it to numb my brain. I drank for 3 days solid. It was just a few days after I got raped. I stayed downstairs in my man cave and told my wife I wasn't going near her or the kids. I was devastated. I didn't want anyone near me. It took about 2 weeks for me to come out of there. I didn't want my sons and daughters see me all beat up. My wife made up some lie about me still having covid and she was making me stay away from my kids. I did have covid a couple of months before I got raped.

I drank when I was down there. I hadn't drank like that in years. But I've since cleaned up my act. I had a bad 2 weeks after the rape. I was having a nervous break down and I told my wife that I wanted her to just leave me the fuck alone. Stop pushing me. You'd think a psychiatrist would know better than to push and push and push. She was just being my wife though. She loves me. I know that. She's a woman. And that woman worries something awful about me. She sees me puke she gets worried. She sees me waking up in the middle of the night running to the bathroom she worries, or scrubbing my skin raw in the shower trying to get the dirt and bugs off me, the ones I dream about every time I sleep; she worries. I came here, because she was worried. I can't take it, what she must think of me now. I feel pressured to fix me!

So, for all those people that think I'm strong, I'm not. I'm a broken man. I'm trying to find myself again. I feel good on some days, and then I remember it all. The dirt, the bugs, the piss, the rape. And it makes me want to hide again.

My main therapy is to escape into the forest and enjoy nature or to hangout in my garden is therapy. I have learned to live with myself over time,

Thank you @Esterio . Nature is the only thing I think God is going to use (along with my wife and kids) to help me to associate myself again to other words and other sensations that are beautiful, wonderful and amazing. I long for that day.

 

[Esterio]

But I heard my dad say something I've never heard him say in my entire life

Oh how I wished I had herd those words.

I don't drink either. But after this happened I did get myself drunk on Jack a few times.

Yes not a path you want to take. I was drunk most every night to pass out., unless i at sea. I had a good reputation at work even though I drank to excess all the time. I always arrived at my work in good shape and ready for the day. I do not need alcohol anymore, I am not sure I would have classified me as an alcoholic I never really had a craving for alcohol just wanted something to numb me and allow me to pass out and sleep.

You'd think a psychiatrist would know better than to push and push and push. She was just being my wife though.

She was just trying to be a good person and help you. Pushing me was what ended my marriage my wife couldn't just let me try and deal with it. It was something I found to be difficult her always wanting to know how my day was. Asking me everyday when she got home, I started to hide from her and she kept finding me so I started leaving our ranch and staying away till evening. I finally couldn't do that anymore and packed a few things and left. It was not the right move but it was the only one I felt I had. Leave and let her carry on without me, I already knew she was anyhow. I was replace within a month.

So, for all those people that think I'm strong

It is the mask we wear, most only let what is on the outside show, and never let who you really are at the moment, I try to keep me well hidden on bad days and on good days I am careful. I was the rock for many had a lot of people depending on me when I came apart. You are getting started early on, so I wish you all the best on your healing journey.

Nature is the only thing I think God is going to use (along with my wife and kids) to help me to associate myself again to other words and other sensations that are beautiful, wonderful and amazing. I long for that day.

Nature is where the Creator/God lives, so much out there to help you ground yourself. I like to sit with my back up against a big old tree and close my eyes and imagine what it has seen in its days standing there. I have other things I do when out in nature that helps me get through my days. I also like nature in the night, I am not able to do that anymore but was some of the best times walking out int he forest at night with no lights.

Take good care

 

[aryanscrystallinenebula]

Oh how I wished I had herd those words.

My dad never said he ever loved me, ever. That man was cold hearted when I was growing up. He'd beat me so hard when I was a toddler, a young kid and even as a teen. And if I started to cry, he'd beat me harder. He was that first man that would tell me to man up and stop crying. It became difficult to express my pain around him. Expressing my pain to him would mean humiliating myself. So I blocked all my feelings around him. I did become bitter from him beating me like he did.

Then about the time I had my first child (a daughter) he began to change. Then I had a whole house full of kids. He's a different man because of my kids. He softened.

So the day of my assault, when he said he loved me and that he couldn't stand around and do nothing if I'm hurting, was a complete shock to me. That was remarkable to me. I was going to allow him to check me anyhow. I knew I needed help. It's just that a man don't want his dad to examine him knowing he just got raped by a bunch of men. My dad was quite professional about it as if he was treating a stranger. After however, he told me that I was going to become depressed and possibly overwhelmed and that he would be there for me if I needed to talk about it. I believe that I lost a part of me that day when those men raped me. I've still been unable to find that man I was. But I did find something I wasn't even looking for, my father's love. Maybe he loved me the whole time. I just never saw it.

Though, my dad and wife are the last persons I would talk about this rape to. I know they can handle it. But it disturbs me to know they know.

Nature is where the Creator/God lives, so much out there to help you ground yourself. I like to sit with my back up against a big old tree and close my eyes and imagine what it has seen in its days standing there. I have other things I do when out in nature that helps me get through my days. I also like nature in the night, I am not able to do that anymore but was some of the best times walking out int he forest at night with no lights.

I intend to find some healing out there in the woods. I've been walking my husky near the woods. I love the trees and can't wait for all the leaves to come back. I go out there to try to think about something beautiful and natural. I do that when I become overwhelmed with memories of the assault.

 

[Jim1104]

Jake

Just finished what you wrote. Sorry I did not see it sooner. It had to be excruciating writing it out. I am soooooooooooooo sorry you went through it. I understand your hate. You have every right to hate him. Strange is right. What you wrote was so brave. I am proud to know a man who can open up like that.

Let out the pain as much as you can, as you can. Don't let those SOBs have any power over you. I hope what you wrote helped you and you are in a good place now.

Bless you brother.

 

[aryanscrystallinenebula]

It is amazing that you were able to power through the emotions and the sickness and you accomplished reading him what happened! Very courageous job.
No wonder you needed to sleep when you were done.
I often had to sleep in the car for awhile before I was able to drive home.
I think your brain shuts down and does a hard reboot. Let's it work its way through the trauma.
Again. Great job!

You are absolutely right, Toad. My body was exerting so much energy just sitting there shivering, teeth chattering, I swear that is why I needed to rest so badly.

 

[aryanscrystallinenebula]

Jake

Just finished what you wrote. Sorry I did not see it sooner. It had to be excruciating writing it out. I am soooooooooooooo sorry you went through it. I understand your hate. You have every right to hate him. Strange is right. What you wrote was so brave. I am proud to know a man who can open up like that.

Let out the pain as much as you can, as you can. Don't let those SOBs have any power over you. I hope what you wrote helped you and you are in a good place now.

Bless you brother.

Hey Jim. How is it going for you brother? I think this whole time I've been trying in all my power not to allow him to have power over me. He seemed to do so many things to get me to feel like he was taking my power away from me. All those things still plague my nightmares, my dreams and when I just sit and ponder.

I suppose it's taken me a few months to feel like I still have some power over myself. I chose to come here. I chose to go to a therapist. That's me exercising my own power of making choices.

I feel good right now. I'm watching my high school boys play video games. They rough house each other from time to time and I have to tear them apart if they start fighting. I have a couple that like to go at each other. And at the same time I have another son and a daughter in the same room that actually do their homework. They're being good. These children of mine are the ones that give me any sense of pride. That man couldn't take that away from me. These are my kids. I love them. They are my pride.

I know Damian's dad took things from me or at least made it look as if he did. But I said this before, I already won against him. I'm here. I'm in therapy. I'm a survivor. I'm not giving up.

Thanks for the kind words @Jim1104

 

[Jim1104]

Jake

I wanted to say one or two things but did not have time earlier.

First, I am glad you are moving. The first thing I wondered about was how could you even go into that office. It took guts to go in there. When I was robbed in a Frat house with a gun to my head, I spent months sitting across the street staring at it. Unable to go in.

Finally when people came back For fall semester I was able to sleep there because people I knew and trusted were there. So, I am glad you can move.

Second, you asked if after 8 1/2 weeks should you be able to open up and disclose details (at least thats what I read into it.) My answer is no. This is so deeply personal, 8 plus weeks is not long. My T told me today she had a client she had been seeing for years wh still can't articulate. You offered alot to your T and that is fantastic. Don't push yourself. You deserve to go at your own pace. Do what feels right to you.

 

[aryanscrystallinenebula]

First, I am glad you are moving. The first thing I wondered about was how could you even go into that office. It took guts to go in there. When I was robbed in a Frat house with a gun to my head, I spent months sitting across the street staring at it. Unable to go in.

@Jim1104

After the rape I had requested leave for a month. So I gave myself some time to work up my strength to go back. However, I would puke every time I'd get to the hospital. It was pretty bad. I wasn't able to stomach going into my office without having panic attacks. I'd throw up a lot. Do you know how that looks to the other doctors and nurses that are there? They thought something was wrong with me. Something was wrong with me. Just not what they will ever know of. They saw me having serious attacks and having to throw up quite a lot. The chief surgeon here thought maybe I had been misusing prescription drugs. He thought I was doing drugs! I explained to him that I was having anxiety attacks. So that's when I made the request to change the office. It was no easy thing.

Second, you asked if after 8 1/2 weeks should you be able to open up and disclose details (at least thats what I read into it.) My answer is no. This is so deeply personal, 8 plus weeks is not long. My T told me today she had a client she had been seeing for years wh still can't articulate. You offered alot to your T and that is fantastic. Don't push yourself. You deserve to go at your own pace. Do what feels right to you.

I felt pressured to man. My anxiety levels are so high. My wife, my dad, my boss...they all know something to a degree. And I feel like I have to fix it right now. But I'm not emotionally capable to handle that kind of stress to move so quickly. My therapist told me that we're going to stop for awhile on this part of what I read to him. He wants me to get more relaxed. So that's what I'm going to do. Most everyone who knows me knows I'm usually very calm and comical. I haven't been calm or comical, witty like I used to be.

People on my team do things by the book because I make a fuss if they do anything unethical in appearance or if they slack off and don't do thorough work. But ever since this happened I've not been focusing like I used to. I haven't been paying mind to my staff. A pain management doctor has to be focused on his staff to make sure everything is done correctly. I have no choices but to address this bomb that went off in my life to shatter me. I need to be responsible at work and at home. That's the vibe I've been getting from everyone in my life. I had someone write me in private message at this place and told me if I didn't do something therapeutic about this now, then something could happen to remove me from my work as a doctor.

Now, I didn't like the threatening sound of that. But the vibe I'm getting from everyone in my life is for me to get on the ball about fixing myself. It's a lot of pressure man. My therapist, he's a good therapist. He's not going to push me. He slows me down when he thinks it's right. And he's slowing me down now so I can reflect on everything I've said up to now. I've only read a letter to him. Not spoke about my feelings of those things. My point of getting past this first part is paramount in me getting some sense of accomplishment so that I can move forwards really. I might never ever talk about the rape. I might not ever ever talk about that rape.

This is what happens when people know you've been raped; and you're a professional physician. Now they can hold your license over your head and dangle it if they think you're too messed up. This is why I never wanted my boss to know. I shouldn't have to tell people I don't want to know. I'm in a position where I have to either fix myself or just let myself completely forget. But my mind won't allow me to forget. I get all emotional about all of this. I get defensive when I think someone might be ridiculing me as a father or as a physician.

I go at my own pace for my therapist and for myself. I read that letter to my doctor to feel like I accomplished something. It's difficult to verbalize all of this. But when it comes to home and work...they want me on my toes and focused. There's no room for me to be ill. That's why I see my therapist twice a week.

Thanks Jim for sharing your thoughts. And you're absolutely right. I agree with you man.

 

[Dolphin42]

Jake, I'm so sorry you've been going through psychopathic abuse along with sexual abuse. I can relate to the difficulty of speaking about certain abuse, it is very hard sometimes, and my T has been helping me prepare, slowly more resources to handle the flashbacks and memories. For me it was nearly impossible to find words at first to describe what 3 older boys did to me for months after school when I was a 3rd grader, events forgotten for nearly 50 years. Be patient with yourself, be compassionate, this is hard stuff. Forgetting will not work in the long run, the body remembers even if the mind forgets, and the body will trigger the clueless mind forever after. You spent too long educating and training yourself to let this sacrifice your goals. The psychopath will win then. Healing is possible, but it isn't linear with time and T appts.

 

[aryanscrystallinenebula]

Jake, I'm so sorry you've been going through psychopathic abuse along with sexual abuse. I can relate to the difficulty of speaking about certain abuse, it is very hard sometimes, and my T has been helping me prepare, slowly more resources to handle the flashbacks and memories. For me it was nearly impossible to find words at first to describe what 3 older boys did to me for months after school when I was a 3rd grader, events forgotten for nearly 50 years. Be patient with yourself, be compassionate, this is hard stuff. Forgetting will not work in the long run, the body remembers even if the mind forgets, and the body will trigger the clueless mind forever after. You spent too long educating and training yourself to let this sacrifice your goals. The psychopath will win then. Healing is possible, but it isn't linear with time and T appts.

Thanks for the words of support @Dolphin42 It's much appreciated. I'm sorry for what happened to you as a child. I sympathize for anyone who was molested or raped as a child. The fact that you've had to live with that for so long is beyond my comprehension, but not beyond my compassion. I certainly can feel empathy for you.

POSSIBLE TRIGGER>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I don't understand the psychopathic abuse he caused me. It was a shock to me to endure someone's pleasure in causing me pain and humiliation. Just knowing I couldn't move, he was demanding me to do things that I never do, like trying to purposefully make me pee myself, using bugs to torture me, or biting my fingers to the bones, showing me how big his eyes get. Then demonically saying words over and over laying this mine field in my mind. Yeah that qualifies him as a psychopath. When he was doing that I thought he was just trying humiliate me for helping his son. I didn't have any clue that he was going to rape and jerk me like he did.

I tried to forget all about this. I tried to do yard work and gardening, running, doing housework, I even did some computational puzzles from one of my old physics books. Tried to get my mind off the assault. I was getting back into the Mars space program trying to think on anything else. It works for a minute. Music helps a little. Some music disturbs me. Don't ask me how that happens. I have no clue. There is some music that really disturbs me to listen to. And I don't know why. But I started listening to The Four Tops. I feel better when I listen to them. I've resorted to listening to music my dad had around the house when I was a kid. That kind of music can be therapeutic for me.

As far as healing goes all I can do is reach to anything that can help me. I've never felt so desperate, so needy, so fractured in my life. I continue coming to this place to see if I can still express myself. Thanks @Dolphin42 for your words.

 

[Dolphin42]

As far as healing goes all I can do is reach to anything that can help me. I've never felt so desperate, so needy, so fractured in my life. I continue coming to this place to see if I can still express myself.

Your pain is palpable. I wish I knew more to help you. You deserve proper care for those awful & traumatic events, I hope you can get more relief soon.

 

[aryanscrystallinenebula]

Your pain is palpable. I wish I knew more to help you. You deserve proper care for those awful & traumatic events, I hope you can get more relief soon.

Ah, all you guys are helpful to me man. You don't know what it means to me for all of you to accept me after seeing me write you what he and those gorillas did to me. I just want to feel like I'm ok. That I'm going to be ok. Seeing other men here who've been through similar experiences helps me to empathize and to feel like I can help support someone too.

My kids and my wife and my God...they save me every day.

 

[Dolphin42]

I don't understand the psychopathic abuse he caused me.

It doesn't make sense except to the psychopath.

 

[aryanscrystallinenebula]

It doesn't make sense except to the psychopath.

Maybe so @Dolphin42. I feel like I need to understand though. Maybe the behaviors only make sense to the perpetrator. But just the same...that man's words go round and round in my head because that's what he wanted. His words cut me like a knife. And I'm having to live with that 24/7. Which somehow I partly blame myself for. It makes no sense why I need to understand. I've been trying to understand though, everything, since that night. What he did, what they did and what I did. I blame myself more than him some times. So this is why I have to understand. Of course, it'll come out eventually with my therapist. If I get brave enough.

 

[Esterio]

If I get brave enough.

You are already a BRAVE and COURAGES man. Go and read back and see what you have been sharing. Don't cut your self short.You are a good man with a good head pm his shoulder, be kind to yourself you are a survivor.