Struggling to Hold Relationship Together

[dale1812]

I'm new to this site but have been very grateful for the words of wisdom and support that I find here. More importantly, I've learned that I am not alone in my struggles. I was abused by a man when I was twelve and have attempted to ignore its impact on my life for the last 26 years (I'm 38 now). Fortunately, I have found a good therapist and a support group. The last six months, however, have strained my marriage and have caused a great deal of sorrow and pain for my entire family. I struggle with intense feelings of lonliness, sometimes wanting nothing more than to be alone, and bad feelings after being physically intimate with my wife. During the periods that I pull away, my wife becomes very frustrated. I haven't been honest with her about how I am really feeling and anger is the result. I'm always so angry and I hate being that way. Please tell me that there are success stories out there about holding relationships together. My wife has threatened to leave me a number of times. I feel like it's slipping away and I am so obsorbed in protecting myself that I might just let that happen.

 

[swartzhund]

Hey Dale, I'm pretty new to the whole "healing" thing too. I haven't gone for professional help yet. I can say that one of the biggest reasons for being here is that my marriage is strainded already. I keep so many personal thoughts and feelings from my wife that I don't think she knows me like she should, and thats not fare to her. Your current situation scares me....I want to better myself by learning how to heal these old wounds but I'm afraid of how it might affect my marriage. I guess the best we can do is be open and honest and strive to become better people and remain confident that it will all work out in the end.

 

[outis]

Dale, Brian,

I kept my silence for 26 years, too. I was 42, having a discussion with my wife where I expected her to tell me she wanted a divorce, and I somehow blurted it out.

She didn't ask for divorce, though. It took some time for her to start telling me what she did think and feel about it. She said that I had lied by keeping that to myself, and entered our marriage behind that lie. How to answer that charge? I still don't know what I could possibly say.

Today is our anniversary, 13 years on the 13th. She stayed with me, through a lot of crap since then. We both realize that the crap isn't over yet, but at least it's no longer fermenting in the dark, growing bigger and fouler with each dysfunctional behavior.

It has not been easy for me, or for us. Some times are better than others, and some times really are wonderful. I guess that comes from finally being honest with her about what happened to me and how I saw myself.

I've heard that the whole "healing" thing is a journey that is its own purpose. I think our relationship is that way. Is it a success story? Depends on what you want to consider success, I suppose. But I woke up this morning next to the person I love.

Thanks,

Joe

 

[phoster]

believe it or not, this stuff can actually strengthen a relationship. the first thing you need to adress is the communications and honesty. i know you think that by being honest you will upset her, even anger her with your feelings. i know you are afraid how she will judge you if she knew the truth. my question to you is, is keeping all this a secrete working? clearly not.

i finally decided that if my marriage was going to fail, it was going to fail for the right reasons, not because i hid the truth. one day, i just said to myself that from this moment on, i am going to be honest and open. i didnt go back and dig up the past, but if it came up, i was honest about it. i cant always get myself to do it right at the moment, but i always speak my mind when something bothers me now. our marriage has thrived under the new openness and honesty.

somethings were very unpleasant to say. i had to sit down and tell my wife that i was afraid i was so scarred that i could never feel fulfilled and happy in a marriage. at another point i had to tell her that i believed survivors often choose mates for the wrong reasons, and that i was afraid we would get down the road and i would figure out that we shouldnt be together. those things were painful to hear and say, but in the end, they brought us closer.

i guess i have come to beleive that i will be myself, and i will live and die by who that person is. pass or fail, i will go down speaking the truth, and being honest with myself and her. i really believe we are going to make it. i'm sure of it, but i didnt always feel that way.

 

[Mike Church]

Dale: I have been married for almostg 37 years. I was assaulted when I was 16-17. I hid it from everyone until I was 56. I am 63 now. When I finally told my wife and daugter (23 now) when I was around 60 they were furious with me. For not telling them. I thank god for my wife and daugther.

Anger. I know all about that. I used to lash out at both of them. I think subconsciously I was trying to drive them away and all the while terrified I was going to lose them. Screwed up thinking. See I was not worthy and when something good happened I set about to destroy it to confirm that I was useless and no good. I also read everything my wife and daugther said to me as control of me.

What I suggest is that you just unburden the whole sorry mess to her. Remember it was never your fault.

I am still quick to anger but when I feel being controlled I tell them. Lets talk about it. Hard to be angry with that phrase.