Struggling to define

[BTMKevinSF]

I've been trying to make sense of what I've been thinking of as a grey area of consent between my ex partner (a pre-op transwoman) and I. Well, it was certainly non-consent on my part, a no was given, and boundaries were crossed. But how I think of the situation, and how I might define it, changes drastically depending on what I think her intent was.

So my question now is, is it abuse if someone crosses the boundaries of another because they are being self-centered but would not conciously want to hurt the other?

Hmm, ok, I guess I have a few other questions too:

Is penetrative sexual non-consent always rape or abuse?

Where does a devaluing of boundaries come from? Ie- Why did she ignore or devalue my no?


If she really did not hear my no, are her actions still abuse/date rape?

If I gave a weak or a conditional no when she expressed an interest (since she had always checked for consent before, since she knew this sex act was an issue for me, since it was early in morning and I was just waking up, since I told her we shouldn't do this sex act again just the night before, since I never even removed my boxers, since she appeared to have such strong boundaries around sexual consent) are her actions abuse/date rape?

I still don't know why i've been so bothered by this incident but I need some conceptual framework to think about this before I can move on from it and have failed to rationalize this one. Admiting this is hard.

Any thoughts anybody?

 

[Lantern]

It is hard to admit these feelings and it's good that you can share them.

I know (as well as everyone else here) that personal boundaries are paramount to survivors, and these boundaries become even more important when you have said "no", because it's almost like a re-enactment of past abuse.

As to whether it's abuse; if you said "no", then it is. No-one has a right to invade someone else like that, and if she knew about your problems and your feelings towards physical conduct then that intention makes those feelings worse. To me they do, anyway.

No wonder it's been on your mind.