Struggling: Extreme TMI Triggery
I've shared my story here but there's one aspect that brings me great emotional conflict that I have not shared with anyone. I feel if I can get this out publicly, I can start to let it go and not be held hostage by it. I feel in sharing, you may view me as I do, sick and twisted but most importantly that I may trigger others. I just can't live with this inside me by myself any longer.
For context, for the most part I've spent years of healing from what was done to me. I've forgiven myself and my abusers, I am no longer afraid of men and male friendships. I cleared up confusion regarding my own sexuality. Finally, I understand that emotional stressors trigger me to want to fantasize and act out.
With that all being said, the piece of my I still struggle with is not only that emotional stressor aspect but also my attraction to other men's attributes (his package and his package alone).
Which brings me to my belief that the following not only negates all of my healing but demonstrates there within lies a true deviant sickness.
Almost two decades ago, I inadvertently was told the "size" of a non related family member. When I found this detail out, something inside me changed. As I (when I was still acting out), I began looking for men similar to him in look, size and appearance. My self pleasuring fantasies that used to be faceless, incorporated him. I began fantasizing how he would dominate me, use me and abuse me. While I no longer act out, when I focus on male to male now, he's my only focus.
How F'd up am I" To me this is much more worse than all the random strangers I met up with in my youth. What kind of horrible person fixates on someone within their inner circle (again no blood relation, like that makes it better) all because of the size of their member (which could be false info to begin with).
I'm sick just writing this, but had to get it out. Am I the only one that has ever gone down this twisted path? Or am I literally that messed up, I"m alone in this.....
I hate what this has done to me...For those of you brave enough to listen, thank you and I pray I won't get judged......
For context, for the most part I've spent years of healing from what was done to me. I've forgiven myself and my abusers, I am no longer afraid of men and male friendships. I cleared up confusion regarding my own sexuality. Finally, I understand that emotional stressors trigger me to want to fantasize and act out.
With that all being said, the piece of my I still struggle with is not only that emotional stressor aspect but also my attraction to other men's attributes (his package and his package alone).
Which brings me to my belief that the following not only negates all of my healing but demonstrates there within lies a true deviant sickness.
Almost two decades ago, I inadvertently was told the "size" of a non related family member. When I found this detail out, something inside me changed. As I (when I was still acting out), I began looking for men similar to him in look, size and appearance. My self pleasuring fantasies that used to be faceless, incorporated him. I began fantasizing how he would dominate me, use me and abuse me. While I no longer act out, when I focus on male to male now, he's my only focus.
How F'd up am I" To me this is much more worse than all the random strangers I met up with in my youth. What kind of horrible person fixates on someone within their inner circle (again no blood relation, like that makes it better) all because of the size of their member (which could be false info to begin with).
I'm sick just writing this, but had to get it out. Am I the only one that has ever gone down this twisted path? Or am I literally that messed up, I"m alone in this.....
I hate what this has done to me...For those of you brave enough to listen, thank you and I pray I won't get judged......