Struggling: Extreme TMI Triggery

Brennan87

Registrant
I've shared my story here but there's one aspect that brings me great emotional conflict that I have not shared with anyone. I feel if I can get this out publicly, I can start to let it go and not be held hostage by it. I feel in sharing, you may view me as I do, sick and twisted but most importantly that I may trigger others. I just can't live with this inside me by myself any longer.

For context, for the most part I've spent years of healing from what was done to me. I've forgiven myself and my abusers, I am no longer afraid of men and male friendships. I cleared up confusion regarding my own sexuality. Finally, I understand that emotional stressors trigger me to want to fantasize and act out.
With that all being said, the piece of my I still struggle with is not only that emotional stressor aspect but also my attraction to other men's attributes (his package and his package alone).

Which brings me to my belief that the following not only negates all of my healing but demonstrates there within lies a true deviant sickness.

Almost two decades ago, I inadvertently was told the "size" of a non related family member. When I found this detail out, something inside me changed. As I (when I was still acting out), I began looking for men similar to him in look, size and appearance. My self pleasuring fantasies that used to be faceless, incorporated him. I began fantasizing how he would dominate me, use me and abuse me. While I no longer act out, when I focus on male to male now, he's my only focus.
How F'd up am I" To me this is much more worse than all the random strangers I met up with in my youth. What kind of horrible person fixates on someone within their inner circle (again no blood relation, like that makes it better) all because of the size of their member (which could be false info to begin with).
I'm sick just writing this, but had to get it out. Am I the only one that has ever gone down this twisted path? Or am I literally that messed up, I"m alone in this.....

I hate what this has done to me...For those of you brave enough to listen, thank you and I pray I won't get judged......
 
Sorry this is so hard for you Brennan. I appreciate your wish to be liberated from this deep shame you're carrying. It was exactly this feeling that led to me writing about my history of cross-dressing, which is the deepest shame I've carried through the years.

What seems clear is that this last residue of your trauma, the piece you keep playing out to keep the trauma alive, is ready to be held with the same tenderness as everything else you've forgiven in the past. It IS the residue of abuse in the past, not an indictment of who you are as a human being. That, of course, is what we do with these old behaviors, old habits of thinking and acting. You're not acting out, but this mental fixation does keep you tied to the trauma... perhaps the last piece for you to release, the last place for compassion to be mobilized. Shaming yourself keeps you locked to the past... forgiving yourself unlocks the present and all that unfolds from here.

Deep respect for the courage you show in telling us about this. I've no doubt most of us can relate to the charge such fixations have. And this is where the work is... NOT indulging mind states that feed the trauma, that keep the perpetrator at the center of our awareness. The practice is very much like meditation... when the mind wanders we bring it back to our breath, or to a mantra or to an object. We do the same with a wandering mind that wants to indulge old fixations. I do it all the time when walking down the street since attractive, often scantily clad women are everywhere. I can take any of those images and dive into fantasy. But I don't want to go there. I want something more... a heart connection that can happen ONLY when I'm fully present. You can do this Brennan. We've got your back.
 

manipulated

Staff member
Brennan we are not here to judge and you are no worse nor better than anyone who has been assaulted in the most intimate way in sorting out triggers, fixations, and fantasies. Perhaps you or others will judge me but I see your situation no different than a fantasy rooted in the truly unknown fueled by rumor or urban legend. We come equipped for pleasure from birth with bodies wired for pleasure and minds to power fantasy and illusion. Yes we can replay the past but isn’t it more healthy to fantasize on the unknown than replay and dwell on the past?
 
I've shared my story here but there's one aspect that brings me great emotional conflict that I have not shared with anyone. I feel if I can get this out publicly, I can start to let it go and not be held hostage by it. I feel in sharing, you may view me as I do, sick and twisted but most importantly that I may trigger others. I just can't live with this inside me by myself any longer.

For context, for the most part I've spent years of healing from what was done to me. I've forgiven myself and my abusers, I am no longer afraid of men and male friendships. I cleared up confusion regarding my own sexuality. Finally, I understand that emotional stressors trigger me to want to fantasize and act out.
With that all being said, the piece of my I still struggle with is not only that emotional stressor aspect but also my attraction to other men's attributes (his package and his package alone).

Which brings me to my belief that the following not only negates all of my healing but demonstrates there within lies a true deviant sickness.

Almost two decades ago, I inadvertently was told the "size" of a non related family member. When I found this detail out, something inside me changed. As I (when I was still acting out), I began looking for men similar to him in look, size and appearance. My self pleasuring fantasies that used to be faceless, incorporated him. I began fantasizing how he would dominate me, use me and abuse me. While I no longer act out, when I focus on male to male now, he's my only focus.
How F'd up am I" To me this is much more worse than all the random strangers I met up with in my youth. What kind of horrible person fixates on someone within their inner circle (again no blood relation, like that makes it better) all because of the size of their member (which could be false info to begin with).
I'm sick just writing this, but had to get it out. Am I the only one that has ever gone down this twisted path? Or am I literally that messed up, I"m alone in this.....

I hate what this has done to me...For those of you brave enough to listen, thank you and I pray I won't get judged......
You are very brave for allowing yourself to be vulnerable by baring your deeply held emotional conflicts here. You are NOT F'd up; nor are you alone. I know I have "fixations" (if that is the right word) from having been raped and having the rapist make remarks about my butt - because we were impressionalbe children, these things made an imprint upon us -

I think focusing in the way that you described is a normal acting out of what you experienced as a child - I do not pretend to know or understand the psychology of why this happens to survivors but I know because I have had similar thoughts about the part of my body focused on by my rapist

I have to tell myself that we are spirits who possess a body - our bodies do not give us our self worth - I felt humiliated by this rapist as a child - I felt that my butt was unattractive and it was like I wanted to possess another body (the reality is he must have been attracted to my butt because, after all, he raped me - but I did not understand what he was doing) - We cannot let the people who raped/abused us control our thought process in such a way - but focus on the fact that we have value and the object of our fantasized desire has value as a whole person (body, mind, spirit) - not just a body or body part

Again, you are brave. Thank you for sharing so openly and honestly.
 

Brennan87

Registrant
Sorry this is so hard for you Brennan. I appreciate your wish to be liberated from this deep shame you're carrying. It was exactly this feeling that led to me writing about my history of cross-dressing, which is the deepest shame I've carried through the years.

What seems clear is that this last residue of your trauma, the piece you keep playing out to keep the trauma alive, is ready to be held with the same tenderness as everything else you've forgiven in the past. It IS the residue of abuse in the past, not an indictment of who you are as a human being. That, of course, is what we do with these old behaviors, old habits of thinking and acting. You're not acting out, but this mental fixation does keep you tied to the trauma... perhaps the last piece for you to release, the last place for compassion to be mobilized. Shaming yourself keeps you locked to the past... forgiving yourself unlocks the present and all that unfolds from here.

Deep respect for the courage you show in telling us about this. I've no doubt most of us can relate to the charge such fixations have. And this is where the work is... NOT indulging mind states that feed the trauma, that keep the perpetrator at the center of our awareness. The practice is very much like meditation... when the mind wanders we bring it back to our breath, or to a mantra or to an object. We do the same with a wandering mind that wants to indulge old fixations. I do it all the time when walking down the street since attractive, often scantily clad women are everywhere. I can take any of those images and dive into fantasy. But I don't want to go there. I want something more... a heart connection that can happen ONLY when I'm fully present. You can do this Brennan. We've got your back.
Visitor,
Thank you for being able to relate (cross dressing vs fixation on another), this helps me have a glimpse of "its not just me that's wired with this type of scenario".
I've never thought of this as a way to keep the trauma alive and I've had a few days to step away from this and really think about this and I don't disagree. I know my crazy brain wiring in relation to other trauma's will do this. I'll chip away at something, only to have one more thing out there and the cycle continues. So it makes sense my brain knowing it's thought this way for 40+ years its a natural progress. I guess, to your second point, I never thought about the mindfulness needed for this. This makes sense. Much like wanting to act out to porn or in person, I'm self aware of those triggers, mindful of what I"m feeling and can move past it. I'd not thought of this person as a trigger (for whatever reason) and needing to be mindful that I don't get my "fix". Thank you this helps the back end. Now if I can only understand the front him. Why him? Why does that even matter? Etc.

Thank you, it's nice to know that I"m not being judged for this. Huge sigh.
Thank you for having my back!
 

Brennan87

Registrant
Brennan we are not here to judge and you are no worse nor better than anyone who has been assaulted in the most intimate way in sorting out triggers, fixations, and fantasies. Perhaps you or others will judge me but I see your situation no different than a fantasy rooted in the truly unknown fueled by rumor or urban legend. We come equipped for pleasure from birth with bodies wired for pleasure and minds to power fantasy and illusion. Yes we can replay the past but isn’t it more healthy to fantasize on the unknown than replay and dwell on the past?
Manipulated,

Thank you. I don't judge you at all, as you've given me food for thought. I do agree that fantasy is rooted in the truly unknown and we're equipped from birth with pleasure wiring. I do think it's more healthy to fantasize on the unknown than replay and dwell on the past. I do think this is where I get caught up. Physically/mentality, there is no similiarity to this person at all to either of my abusers. The piece of the past I pull in, is what I want this person to do to me; which is similar to the abuse. So its as though I am bluring the past and the present. Yet, I can't make sense of why him? There are plently of men in my past that are of urban legend, yet I've not fixated on them in this manner. Arrgh its all so confusing.
 

Brennan87

Registrant
You are very brave for allowing yourself to be vulnerable by baring your deeply held emotional conflicts here. You are NOT F'd up; nor are you alone. I know I have "fixations" (if that is the right word) from having been raped and having the rapist make remarks about my butt - because we were impressionalbe children, these things made an imprint upon us -

I think focusing in the way that you described is a normal acting out of what you experienced as a child - I do not pretend to know or understand the psychology of why this happens to survivors but I know because I have had similar thoughts about the part of my body focused on by my rapist

I have to tell myself that we are spirits who possess a body - our bodies do not give us our self worth - I felt humiliated by this rapist as a child - I felt that my butt was unattractive and it was like I wanted to possess another body (the reality is he must have been attracted to my butt because, after all, he raped me - but I did not understand what he was doing) - We cannot let the people who raped/abused us control our thought process in such a way - but focus on the fact that we have value and the object of our fantasized desire has value as a whole person (body, mind, spirit) - not just a body or body part

Again, you are brave. Thank you for sharing so openly and honestly.
I'm alive,

Thank you for sharing my bravery, sometimes I don't view as that, but instead weakness. I'm sorry you too have a similar fixation; what they did to us has far reaching tenaticles and either they don't care or are oblivious to it. My only comfort with one of my abusers is that he too was abused and can relate, even though hurt people hurt people.

Thank you for re-affirming our bodies do not give us worth. It took years for me to get there and every so often I need that gentle reminder.

I like how you've outlined desire as a whole person, as when I look at men (him specifically) its just that one body part. However, when I look at my wife, it's the entire package; body, mind and spirit.

Thank you for your kind words, they buoyed my spirits!
 
...Now if I can only understand the front him. Why him? Why does that even matter? Etc.
Sex addicts will talk about their fixation with body parts. Perhaps this one part of this man that caught your attention is all that is needed to create such a fixation. Nothing else about the person really matters... it is all extraneous since your need for something to hold onto has been satisfied. It is said about using pornography that the excitement is in the hunt for the perfect body, the perfect setting, the perfect sexual exchange. Looking at porn becomes powerfully addictive because we're fixated on the hunt. There have been videos that satisfied my need that I've gone back to over and over again. And one of my acting out behaviors, writing pornography, was tied perfectly to that since it was my fantasy that created each story line. Needless to say, over the decades since I wrote those stories I've gone back to them over and over again because these were the stories that completely captured me.

Trashing all those stories, which I did a few weeks ago, and stopping looking at porn, which I did about a year ago, was all about ending these trauma inducing behaviors. As I mentioned above... I really need to not indulge the fantasies that pull me back into the orbit of the trauma. Who this fellow is about whom you're fixated isn't relevant. If there is an association it will likely be tangential... a face from your past, a way of walking, an attitude. A college professor used a phrase I love "cookies for the mind..." Holding onto this question is no different than fixating on his "package." It keeps you engaged with something that is tied to the trauma. Needless to say, when we're caught in such fixations we don't have space for anything else... which is perhaps the reason they exist at all. Some of the other things about life, relationship, ourselves can be anxiety producing and we'll want to keep our fixations alive... trust me... I've lived much of my life that way. I don't want to do it any longer. THIS is the work of healing... bringing myself back to THIS moment. All the best Brennan.
 
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My fixation turned to the opposite of my abuser, he had a massive uncut package even as a teen, after him I only sought out those with average or small cut package. I also only sought out a different race than him. This was all when I was acting out until I started to deal with my abuse and stopped acting out and only had intimate relations if I was in a committed relationship. But from a teen to 30's I was acting out by making people objects as I had been.
 

Brennan87

Registrant
Sex addicts will talk about their fixation with body parts. Perhaps this one part of this man that caught your attention is all that is needed to create such a fixation. Nothing else about the person really matters... it is all extraneous since your need for something to hold onto has been satisfied. It is said about using pornography that the excitement is in the hunt for the perfect body, the perfect setting, the perfect sexual exchange. Looking at porn becomes powerfully addictive because we're fixated on the hunt. There have been videos that satisfied my need that I've gone back to over and over again. And one of my acting out behaviors, writing pornography, was tied perfectly to that since it was my fantasy that created each story line. Needless to say, over the decades since I wrote those stories I've gone back to them over and over again because these were the stories that completely captured me.

Trashing all those stories, which I did a few weeks ago, and stopping looking at porn, which I did about a year ago, was all about ending these trauma inducing behaviors. As I mentioned above... I really need to not indulge the fantasies that pull me back into the orbit of the trauma. Who this fellow is about whom you're fixated isn't relevant. If there is an association it will likely be tangential... a face from your past, a way of walking, an attitude. A college professor used a phrase I love "cookies for the mind..." Holding onto this question is no different than fixating on his "package." It keeps you engaged with something that is tied to the trauma. Needless to say, when we're caught in such fixations we don't have space for anything else... which is perhaps the reason they exist at all. Some of the other things about life, relationship, ourselves can be anxiety producing and we'll want to keep our fixations alive... trust me... I've lived much of my life that way. I don't want to do it any longer. THIS is the work of healing... bringing myself back to THIS moment. All the best Brennan.
Visitor, so if I understand you correctly, you're saying that there may not be anything special about this person at all, other than his package. Which in comparison to others out there, again nothing special. It's just a fixation to keep the trauma front and center. It could have been a different man, a different body part, etc.

This definitely helps!
 

Brennan87

Registrant
My fixation turned to the opposite of my abuser, he had a massive uncut package even as a teen, after him I only sought out those with average or small cut package. I also only sought out a different race than him. This was all when I was acting out until I started to deal with my abuse and stopped acting out and only had intimate relations if I was in a committed relationship. But from a teen to 30's I was acting out by making people objects as I had been.
F.A.
I"m sorry you went through this. I can see how I objectify other men when I act out. I give no regard to anything but that package and what they can do for me emotionally (via physical interaction). That hits home. Its an interesting dynamic where the fixation becomes the opposite. I May have to dig into this aspect a bit more......
 
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