Struggling: Extreme TMI Triggery

Brennan87

Registrant
I've shared my story here but there's one aspect that brings me great emotional conflict that I have not shared with anyone. I feel if I can get this out publicly, I can start to let it go and not be held hostage by it. I feel in sharing, you may view me as I do, sick and twisted but most importantly that I may trigger others. I just can't live with this inside me by myself any longer.

For context, for the most part I've spent years of healing from what was done to me. I've forgiven myself and my abusers, I am no longer afraid of men and male friendships. I cleared up confusion regarding my own sexuality. Finally, I understand that emotional stressors trigger me to want to fantasize and act out.
With that all being said, the piece of my I still struggle with is not only that emotional stressor aspect but also my attraction to other men's attributes (his package and his package alone).

Which brings me to my belief that the following not only negates all of my healing but demonstrates there within lies a true deviant sickness.

Almost two decades ago, I inadvertently was told the "size" of a non related family member. When I found this detail out, something inside me changed. As I (when I was still acting out), I began looking for men similar to him in look, size and appearance. My self pleasuring fantasies that used to be faceless, incorporated him. I began fantasizing how he would dominate me, use me and abuse me. While I no longer act out, when I focus on male to male now, he's my only focus.
How F'd up am I" To me this is much more worse than all the random strangers I met up with in my youth. What kind of horrible person fixates on someone within their inner circle (again no blood relation, like that makes it better) all because of the size of their member (which could be false info to begin with).
I'm sick just writing this, but had to get it out. Am I the only one that has ever gone down this twisted path? Or am I literally that messed up, I"m alone in this.....

I hate what this has done to me...For those of you brave enough to listen, thank you and I pray I won't get judged......
 
Sorry this is so hard for you Brennan. I appreciate your wish to be liberated from this deep shame you're carrying. It was exactly this feeling that led to me writing about my history of cross-dressing, which is the deepest shame I've carried through the years.

What seems clear is that this last residue of your trauma, the piece you keep playing out to keep the trauma alive, is ready to be held with the same tenderness as everything else you've forgiven in the past. It IS the residue of abuse in the past, not an indictment of who you are as a human being. That, of course, is what we do with these old behaviors, old habits of thinking and acting. You're not acting out, but this mental fixation does keep you tied to the trauma... perhaps the last piece for you to release, the last place for compassion to be mobilized. Shaming yourself keeps you locked to the past... forgiving yourself unlocks the present and all that unfolds from here.

Deep respect for the courage you show in telling us about this. I've no doubt most of us can relate to the charge such fixations have. And this is where the work is... NOT indulging mind states that feed the trauma, that keep the perpetrator at the center of our awareness. The practice is very much like meditation... when the mind wanders we bring it back to our breath, or to a mantra or to an object. We do the same with a wandering mind that wants to indulge old fixations. I do it all the time when walking down the street since attractive, often scantily clad women are everywhere. I can take any of those images and dive into fantasy. But I don't want to go there. I want something more... a heart connection that can happen ONLY when I'm fully present. You can do this Brennan. We've got your back.
 
Brennan we are not here to judge and you are no worse nor better than anyone who has been assaulted in the most intimate way in sorting out triggers, fixations, and fantasies. Perhaps you or others will judge me but I see your situation no different than a fantasy rooted in the truly unknown fueled by rumor or urban legend. We come equipped for pleasure from birth with bodies wired for pleasure and minds to power fantasy and illusion. Yes we can replay the past but isn’t it more healthy to fantasize on the unknown than replay and dwell on the past?
 
I've shared my story here but there's one aspect that brings me great emotional conflict that I have not shared with anyone. I feel if I can get this out publicly, I can start to let it go and not be held hostage by it. I feel in sharing, you may view me as I do, sick and twisted but most importantly that I may trigger others. I just can't live with this inside me by myself any longer.

For context, for the most part I've spent years of healing from what was done to me. I've forgiven myself and my abusers, I am no longer afraid of men and male friendships. I cleared up confusion regarding my own sexuality. Finally, I understand that emotional stressors trigger me to want to fantasize and act out.
With that all being said, the piece of my I still struggle with is not only that emotional stressor aspect but also my attraction to other men's attributes (his package and his package alone).

Which brings me to my belief that the following not only negates all of my healing but demonstrates there within lies a true deviant sickness.

Almost two decades ago, I inadvertently was told the "size" of a non related family member. When I found this detail out, something inside me changed. As I (when I was still acting out), I began looking for men similar to him in look, size and appearance. My self pleasuring fantasies that used to be faceless, incorporated him. I began fantasizing how he would dominate me, use me and abuse me. While I no longer act out, when I focus on male to male now, he's my only focus.
How F'd up am I" To me this is much more worse than all the random strangers I met up with in my youth. What kind of horrible person fixates on someone within their inner circle (again no blood relation, like that makes it better) all because of the size of their member (which could be false info to begin with).
I'm sick just writing this, but had to get it out. Am I the only one that has ever gone down this twisted path? Or am I literally that messed up, I"m alone in this.....

I hate what this has done to me...For those of you brave enough to listen, thank you and I pray I won't get judged......
You are very brave for allowing yourself to be vulnerable by baring your deeply held emotional conflicts here. You are NOT F'd up; nor are you alone. I know I have "fixations" (if that is the right word) from having been raped and having the rapist make remarks about my butt - because we were impressionalbe children, these things made an imprint upon us -

I think focusing in the way that you described is a normal acting out of what you experienced as a child - I do not pretend to know or understand the psychology of why this happens to survivors but I know because I have had similar thoughts about the part of my body focused on by my rapist

I have to tell myself that we are spirits who possess a body - our bodies do not give us our self worth - I felt humiliated by this rapist as a child - I felt that my butt was unattractive and it was like I wanted to possess another body (the reality is he must have been attracted to my butt because, after all, he raped me - but I did not understand what he was doing) - We cannot let the people who raped/abused us control our thought process in such a way - but focus on the fact that we have value and the object of our fantasized desire has value as a whole person (body, mind, spirit) - not just a body or body part

Again, you are brave. Thank you for sharing so openly and honestly.
 
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