Struggling a little bit, maybe small trigger

[Leosha]

I was not doing quite so badly today. Still feeling quite like garbage, physically. I have rather accepted that will be true for me until I see specialist next week. But can breathe better today, and rested some, and was feeling mentally not so bad.

I am not sure why it happen. I was talking with a friend, and he say something nice to me. God forbit that, right? I do not know why it happen, but he say something nice of me, and my urge, my thought, immediately, it is to hurt myself. Immediately, my mind goes to 'no, I am NOT good person, no I DON'T deserve to hear something nice'.

Why is it, after this time of therapy and being here and doing things positve to deal with all this, it still hits my head like that? That the immediate thought, on hearing something good about me, is to harm myself? I don't understand it.

So am still struggling with those thoughts right now, but avoiding. Avoiding to do anything at all about it, by keeping busy on computer, and maybe will call someone. Because even with thinking I do, I DON'T want to hurt myself anymore. What can I say, it annoys me. So, will just keep here and talking with people.

leosha

 

[outis]

((((((((Leosha))))))))

Avoiding worked for me many times. It's good that you can back that up with calling someone, too. When I used to try avoiding alone, eventually it was not enough.

It is hard to believe good things about myself, too. I see so much good in the people here, and so much less in myself. I hope that I will be able to see the truth more clearly, without the lies I learned from abusers clouding my vision, distorting my view. I wish that same view of the truth about yourself for you.

Thanks,

Joe

 

[Bill_1965]

Leosha,

I'm glad to hear you are fighting the urge to hurt yourself and are doing what you need to get past the feeling.

Keep it up,
Bill