Struggle and the dead end

Struggle and the dead end
A

alexey

Registrant
Could I ask you one question?

I guess you and I have already raised it, albeit explicitly. Nonetheless, the question is about the efforts to achieve something, be it in work, study, art, relationships, which later seemed overdone. You tried to prove it to other people that you are worth something. Moreover, you succeed to prove this truth to yourself, and after a while just saw the dead end. You did justify your human value, and went on relaxing.

This is what I wanted to ask. Maybe you can identify with these struggles, and maybe they were characteristic of the young life of the adult survivors.

Alexey
 
A Hymn called Me

I like dead ends
for they mean
new beginnings are near.

I like failures
they mean I can start
all over again.

I like efforts
they mean
I have something
to look forward to.

Yes,
it takes an effort
to sing
but when you love
the hymn
it comes easy

I sing
what I am
You sing
what you are.

And let
the chorus
be a song.
 
Alexey,

They certainly were characteristic for me. As a high school student I was a wreck and genuinely a lost soul, and in University access to drugs in addition to drinking really led me into a dark place.

I came out of that because a great professor took an interest in me and treated me seriously. I thought he wanted sex of course, but no, he was just a great teacher. I turned from self-abuse to self-improvement largely because of him, as I discovered in T. After that my haven and safe place was my academic world.

But it was also the place where I had to keep striving so as not to be abandoned, as I thought my parents had abandoned me to abuse. THAT part is the dangerous part, because that is where the striving for improvement becomes a futile obsession.

I have heard other survivors say similar things, but further responses here may clarify that.

Much love,
Larry
 
Morning Star,

Just an added note: what a cool poem in response to Alexey. I liked this part especially:

I sing
what I am
You sing
what you are.

And let
the chorus
be a song.
Click to expand...
I guess that's us here. What a great way to put it.

Much love,
Larry
 
Larry, you hit the nail on the head. I did mean precisely that. When self-abuse stops and personal improvement begins, the feeling is great. What happens after that stage? I was stuck in a depression, but still continued to "improve myself" until my parents have not approved my striving. The only encouragement I have received from my dad was, "You proved that you can think." It is very limited evaluation, isn't it. I actually knew that I could think, but I put all my efforts in study, in my case, under the guidance of the professionals who liked what I did. It was my life decision. It was!

My dad always referred scpetically to these academic guys, and my achievements. Finally, he and my mother just suggested to me to not continue this work, and find a real job. However, I liked what I did, and the academics approved that. So my question contained another question, were my parents right suggesting to me to go into another direction, abandoning to support me, and making me see the dead end?

Actually I saw the dead end myself, but it was easy to do under the pressure of my parents. They said I had no future with this kind of occupation, and that they wanted me to do different things. They didn't literally approve my course of action. They were wrong, I think.

There are other circumstances of course, like me being AFRAID of professors :( or tight budget, but I myself have thought the goal was worth the efforts paid. My parents thought otherwise.

So what is dead end? Is it something believed under the pressure of other people, or is it my own feeling? Do circumstances play the major role?

Thanks for reply, Larry. It IS very empowering.

Alexey
 
Alexey,

For me, I tried being the perfect person to my parents, to friends, to the world. I was able to hold the charade for a while. My junior year it began to fall a part. My dead end occurred when I realized that it would never come true. Somehow I thought by being perfect and what I suppose to be to everyone that life would be okay that the pain would go away. I knew I was capable of being good at what I put my mind to ... but it did not fill the void of being happy away from the pain. I took anothe route. By college I did only what I wanted to do. "Fuck Everyone Approach" no longer hold in the anger .. unleash it. Productive during the week ... self destructive on the weekend. It also reached its dead end. And yet once again this pattern twice more. I've managed through all the rounds to maintain what others describe as a productive and achievement persona ... at least on the outside ... each dead end makes it feels flat and of poor importance to getting rid of the pain. Each time though I feel better about what I have achieved ... the pain gets in the way of enjoying even the good things. But the more I deal with it the less it interfers with the good things.

The dead ends meant I had reached the end of my coping approach at that time ... how I had choose to cope became no longer effective. For me it meant each time I was able to deal with more of the abuse ... until my latest dead end has brought me here and to a men's support group.

Courage-Wisdom-Spirituality
 
Quote:

"I tried
to improve myself
and failed.

It was only when
I decided to love myself
did I heal."

Thank you, Morning Star. Asolutely powerful poem. I too tried to improve myself through achievements. Also I have tried to improve myself through learning the ability to communicate with my dad. I try to accept the fact that I am who I am, and this includes seeing my weak sides along with the good sides. It is a part of loving myself, I think. What will follow (a question to myself)? Will I pay enough for my antisociality and the lack of desire to "fight" in my life?

What if the only reasonable way I can go is years of loneliness and distrust from my family (abandonment :( ). Even now when I start screaming at my mother who has been walking without pants :( in our home, she says I have already earned bad relation to me on the part of my family.

What does it mean to love myself?
 
I have just one thing to add. I have finally had to resort to calling both parents, SO CALLED PARENTS. I have not been to their home in five years and do not talk to them any longer. Time to move on.. They covered all the abuse up and now when I finally fiqured it out, they want no part of any responsibility. Jolly Fisherman
 
Sorry, posted a comment in the wrong place :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o
 
wasn't even intended for the MS DB. but for an instant message conversation with a family member. Jeez!
 
This is a very touchy issue. because one can stop trying to achieve having no affirmation from abusive parents, and self-loathing from SA. What I did. Thought the achievmen was meaningless. Which it wasn't. What followed was over a decade of no money, no career, massive self-loathing and no clue of what to do with my life. I started completely over, at 40. Bankrupt and in therapy for the first time unearthing all the SA issues. Fun road, huh? No. It's insanely tough and scary. But exhilerating as I came to truly realize the worth of what I achieved in the past, things that meant something TO ME even if it brought snickering derision from my parents, that I was genuinely good at and gave me self-esteem. I had a built in mechanism from my parents' negativity and the SA that every road had a dead-end. So I built one, where none existed, and hit it hard.

Do the things that mean something TO YOU. Achieving is good. When it's things you like to do. It need not be thought of as a dead end or something unreal.

Good post, guys, thanks.

Al
 
Thank you for replies,

I see now what I wrote several months ago and I think that I made a positive step forward. I am better now (with your help).

Wow, I was feeling much worse during the winter.

However, thanks for reply and that you find this post interesting. I HOPE that it helps.

Alexey
Russia
 
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