Strong dad getting weaker

MrNumb

New Registrant
I’ve never told anyone, I’m 41 now. My kids are 19 and 17, December will be my 20th anniversary with my wife. How can something that happened when I was 10 make me think of my end constantly. My family is the only reason I’m still here, I fear letting them down more than anything. I want to have the desire to live, not out of obligation but from a genuine love of life. I feel like the pressure just keeps building, I know I should have told someone a long time ago. I cannot afford a therapist, I make 75% of the modest income in our household as a small business owner and can’t afford to go check myself in somewhere. As a pastors son I am completely opposed religious solutions, it upsets me more than anything else. Does anybody know of low cost resources where I can get help? Thanks for reading this.
 
Welcome MrNumb. Many therapists offer sliding scale based on a patient's situation, just ask. I too was struggling with finding joy and rewards in life, even as a dad myself. There are some good books on trauma that may help in the mean time. I've just started the book on Traumasexuality referenced elsewhere here on MS, and van der Kolk's book on his work on trauma (all kinds) is very respected too.

What happened to us was horrible, and changed our life trajectories from the moment they happened. Many men do find healing from this. This is the best place I've found for chatting about and sharing experiences around recovering from male childhood sexual abuse. Just finding other men that went through similar trauma has been very helpful.
 

MO-Survivor

Registrant
I’ve never told anyone, I’m 41 now. My kids are 19 and 17, December will be my 20th anniversary with my wife. How can something that happened when I was 10 make me think of my end constantly. My family is the only reason I’m still here, I fear letting them down more than anything. I want to have the desire to live, not out of obligation but from a genuine love of life. I feel like the pressure just keeps building, I know I should have told someone a long time ago. I cannot afford a therapist, I make 75% of the modest income in our household as a small business owner and can’t afford to go check myself in somewhere. As a pastors son I am completely opposed religious solutions, it upsets me more than anything else. Does anybody know of low cost resources where I can get help? Thanks for reading this.
Hey man, glad you found this site. You should definitely do a couple things: 1) find some therapists that you can reach out to, and discuss the financial side of things. There are a lot who will work with you financially. My daughter's T went so far as to give us her standard rate (she doesn't do insurance), and tagged on, "Or whatever you want / can do." 2) when you are ready, share your story with someone. It can be your wife (if you haven't), it an be on a forum here, or it can be someone you build a 1:1 relationship with - in person, or even here. But make sure you are ready and have enough relationship that you feel you can trust whoever it is.

I have seen other guys here who have suffered from shame and abuse-induced depression. CSA survival can be a horribly lonely place. That isolation, and internalized shame, can really drive depression. But many who have interacted here, shared their story, and received heartfelt feedback that helps free them from the shame - find some relief from those depressive feelings. I'm struggling with this today, actually :(
 
Thank you for introducing yourself. You've come to a place where men who've experienced exactly what you experienced are finding the strength to share the pain of it all. We've carried the residue of early trauma ALONE our entire lives. It is time to put that burden down. Telling our stories helps us do that and for many of us, this has proved to be a safe place to do so. You're not alone any longer my friend. I encourage you to ramble around the website and read the threads that resonate for you. There are kindred spirits here whose experience of trauma is similar to your own. We listen, we offer support, trusting that doing so supports our own healing.

Yes, it would be wonderful if you found a therapist with whom you could work and as the men above have said, it is worth asking for a reduced fee. I did that some years ago and found a number of therapists willing to offer a reduced fee. Many therapists are offering services via the internet so you aren't limited to therapists in your area. But this website is a resource available right now and it doesn't cost anything to participate. I encourage those who can afford to become members to do so, simply to insure this website remains available to us all... but that is certainly not the price of admission. Anyone who needs support is welcome. Membership is not a requirement.

I'm glad you found us. If you haven't already done so you might wish to do a bit of reading about trauma. An excellent place to start is with the book mentioned about, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma but Bessel van der Kolk which describes what happens to our brains and bodies when we experience trauma. Another book that I'm now reading for a second time is Journey Through Trauma - A Trail Guide to the Five-Phase Cycle of Healing Repeated Trauma, by Gretchen L. Schmelzer, Ph.D. She is a trauma survivor who offers a very tender and insightful perspective on doing this work. There is a way out of this but it requires that we be willing to care for ourselves enough to do the work. I wish you well on your healing journey. You ARE NOT alone!
 

The Bluefoot

Registrant
Welcome to the site that will allow you to finally be free. Today is 1 month I found tis site And in 1 month I have posted many stories found two people whoa re becoming friends. Shave many experiences and posted many comments. I have learned a lot about myself. Most of all there is less stress on my brain and in my heart.

Finding a Therapist is not easy I understand that I have had many. And I understand the dealing with a budget. Got to a clinic or an association. they often have therapist at low cost and even then you can get it for even less. I know people who have paid $5 per per session of 45 mins. You own a Business I do not know what kind. But what ever field it is on I sure you be able to find an association for rit. I have own many small business myself.

Good luck and any question please ask here.
 
Welcome. I think you will find this site very helpful. You will quickly learn that the issues you have are shared by many of us. So you are not alone with these problems. Listening to others talk about their struggles and sharing when you feel you are ready are very helpful for the healing process. I am going to therapy right now but I get as much if not more out of being on this site. You are not alone. For example I think about suicide all the time. I've tried twice already. I can't share that with family or friends because they would freak out. But sharing on here let's me say those words without worry about judgement and hopefully not scaring anyone. A lot of people think about suicide but to actually reach that point is another story. You have to enter into a very dark place mentally. At that point all logic breaks down and you are so overwhelmed with darkness. I think of it as staring into the abyss. But interestingly it can pass quickly, say in a few hours or even a day. You may still be sad but your brain has pulled out of the deep pit. I take meds too which help.
 
Welcome. I have been seeing my counselor for 18 months. About 12 months ago I told him that sometimes I thought about suicide. We talked about it a little and in my case he wasn't concerned. As I have reached new lows the past 6 months I have been annoyed about something he told me when we discussed it. He said that suicide doesn't end the pain, it just transfers it. That was like a punch in the gut. I had such a crappy childhood that I have been determined that my kids grow up loved and carefree. The thought that they would have to carry the burden of my CSA through the trauma of a father who committed suicide was inconceivable to me. I haven't been a great dad. But I decided that one of the ways I can be a better dad than I had was to not transfer my issues onto my kids. I haven't been entirely successful but I will be damned if I let them experience my CSA through suicide. I will carry that burden so they don't have to.

I don't know the specifics of your despair but know what it is like to despair. One of the ways my counselor has helped me has been to be the hope in the room when I didn't have any. For several months that carried me. I know counseling is a challenge for you. So to the extent that you can, tap into the hope and encouragement you find here and let that carry you until you can find your own.
 

BDD

Registrant
@MrNumb It doesn't matter what you "should" have done for the last 31 years. You did it in this post!

You are not alone. I, and many men here remember everyday. But that doesn't need to be as bleak as it sounds. My memories mostly no longer trigger cascades of feelings. And when they do, I deal them and grow. Though these events changed us and our lives, they don't need to govern us now. I hope you can find the help you need. Coming here was a great step in that direction.

Welcome.
 

JethroTull

Registrant
Welcome to the right place, I to have been down that road. When we are young we learn coping strategies to deal with out trauma, to process the things we didn’t understand, they become strong but in our adult life they don’t work or we’re their self disruptive nature, For me this was going to my abuser to be abused to remove the threats of violence go away, great logic as a child, after all much of what I endured felt nice and made me feel special, but in adult life when I feel threaten this strategy does not work and so I to get where you are as have been hospitalised for my own safety,

I tell you this as what I am reading into sour words hear is me, someone who is crying out for the pain to stop. Someone who’s coping stratygies learnt as a kid on longer work and so you feel you are approaching a dead-end of pain and mo way to cope.

I’m sorry you are going through this I too an fighting hard at the moment. Keep reading the posts here, consider sharing your stories. But most of all find a charity or organisation near you that can support you and help you to say these things out load. Male mental health in my area is a good place to start googling. If you were in the UK I could give you ten such contacts. But for now know this you are not alone as with all dead ends we just someone to hold our hand and show us a new safer path (coping strategy) for me this is meditation amp EMDR and this place Where I can say these things out loud, know many if not all know my pain. If you feel safe enough say where you live here, state and nearest town and other here might be able point you to the help we so need. In the meantime know this you are not a Lomé in this, there are alternative paths to help you cope.

May you find piece, may you be health and may you find love.
 
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