stressed out again

[guy]

i have stressed out badly last night and today.

i am new to this "trying to heal" stuff after i hid it for 31 years.

basically, my recent break up with my live in g/f has me depressed and desparate at times. mix that with some drinks last night and i screw up and call her at 4 and then 5 this a.m.when i could not sleep. i only told her (my first ever and then my new t) after we broke up. i wish i would have earlier and then maybe she would have better understood me.
maybe it would have been different. i don't know.

sure, i (we) have been all hurt before. she went out on me and i had to ask her to leave. i emotionally hurt her all through our two years together.

my issue is that it is so tough on me being alone.
i'm having to take clonzepan now to get over this hurt and betrayal. sometimes even a sleeping pill, i get so anxious and panicky when i awake and think of her. i feel desparate like "begging" her to come back to me while i know i would never be able to get over what she did and i really don't think she is my sooulmate partner, i just can't stand for her to not be with me or be with someone else.

i have dated a few, have numbness still, a lot of hurt.

my "t" says quit doing my pattern of medicating myself with women, be it the right ones or not.

i am whacked out on this. i am trying to work on my healing and that crap is on me too. i so long for peace and to not hurt. it has been 2.5 months now and i am still screwed up over her even though i kind of have a new g/f but i gotta quit this crap.

deep down inside, i know my fear of betrayal and lack of trust comes from my csa a lot. then i can't be open or am not open and honest, and then the self fulfilling prophecy occurs, i get hurt or i hurt others.

i wish it was easier, i long for peace and tranquility. it stays on my mind too much. a peace of my heart is hurtng bad. i need to let it go but struggle.

thank god i will see my t on thursday but even after that, i am still numb, hurt, frustrated, anxious, and whatever. not just over my break up but all the shit i am having to deal with now- "coming out" with this abuse process, work, taking care of my daughter.

i need love and peace. don't have that many close friends and they all think i am tough from my often fake facade. even if i say i am hurting, they minimize it and want me to medicate it by going out, getting another woman, or minimizing it.

i also know to keep busy, excercise, and the like. i do all that some and still get whacked out some now. it's tough. i want to control it but can't.

the good news is that i do have things i love in life so it's not like i need to go check myself in. i just hate this aching heart, trigger songs that come up, and being alone is tough. i don't always love myself and am not happy alone with myself.

had to get this off my chest, thanks, guy

 

[MikeNY]

I know that many people find it difficult to be alone. As you know, the reason that this happens is fear. I don't mean to sound harsh, but lonliness is an insecurity. It is definitely tied into your SA. It is completely related to the inability to trust yourself and others. Everything that you are facing makes it even harder because the insecurity of lonliness magnifies you having to and needing to face yourself. Lonliness is an insecurity and fear of facing yourself for who you are. The security found in others is actually you projecting your fears upon them. It all ties back into the love and trust issues that all people with SA face. Love and Trust circle back upon themselves in our relationships. SA survivors judge where to place it. Many test the places that they are putting it also. Eventually, the self fullfilling prophacy takes over and the person who is being tested is placed into a no win situation. A situation where there is no way that they could live up to your unspoken expectations. The most important thing that needs to be done within any healthy relationship is the one thing that SA survivors have the hardest thing doing, give love and trust freely without judgement, without expectations. Obviously, it will not always come back to you that way, and sometimes you will be hurt, but it is the way that will most likely give you what you actually desire. As for lonliness, it is usually an insecurity which is brought about by not being happy with yourself. If you are not happy with yourself, you seek happiness in others. Then you eventually place them into the position which was mentioned above. It can be very self destructive behavior which perpetuates all of your problems. I know it might be hard to do or think of, but right now, while you are not involved with anyone, might be the best time for you to face many things. One of the first things that you should do is whatever it is that you need to to close the chapter with your ex. After that, you will be in the perfect position to work on yourself and to face some of the things that you need to to be able to actually find and have a good relationship in your life with someone special.

I hope this helps some. I can talk forever on these subjects. I know it is difficult for survivors to do, but the best way that you can enter into any relationship is when you are happy with yourself. That all starts with acceptance. Accept yourself for who you are. Look at the things that you like. Look at the things that you don't. Then ACTIVELY make efforts to change all of the things which are changeable that you don't like.

 

[outis]

Guy,

I don't have a lot of good advice on getting over the relationship. I felt like crap when I went through that. Thank God I was too insecure to have many relationships, eh?

Sorry about that. Seriously, you said

i wish it was easier, i long for peace and tranquility.

I think every survivor knows exactly what you're talking about there.

I think it will be easier. I have some easier times now. I hope there will be more of them, and they'll be easier and easier. I hope that for all of us.

Thanks,

Joe

 

Guy,

I hear you brother. This can be so damn frustrating.

As for me, I'm flat out pissed I don't have the peace and tranquility.

But it will get better. As you reach out and realize that someone, if not many someones, have been exactly where you are right now, that will help.

I mean, I'm hell on wheels when I get frustrated. And sometimes I don't make much sense. But somehow, I am encouraged to go on each time I let it out and read the support I get from these guys.

So let it out. Get pissed, get a little crazy, yell and scream if you want with the frustration. You fit right in. Because we are you. And you will never be alone again with this if you stick around.

PM me if I can be of any help.

Peace and treat yourself to an ice cream!

Marc

 

[guy]

thanks mike, joe, and mark-
i had a rough week, but so did many others.
i hate being whacked out, but gotta get through this.
it does help that you all are here.
my csa has just come into my life (me dealing with it now). it is hard, hurtful, strange, and numbing.
that coupled with other everday stresses wears me out a bit emotionally.
i am blessed to be here and have you all, guy