Lance: I find it funny that YOU are thanking ME! I thought I was just restating your own ideas. Heh heh heh! You did a beautiful job of clarifying what you meant. Thank YOU.
Now, those "lingering thougthts" I mentioned before. I've mentioned elsewhere that I've suffered a lot of loss in the last 5 years (it used to be only 3 years; I forget how time moves on...).
The event that started it all, was when my 18 year old cousin committed suicide Thanksgiving weekend in 1996. 6 weeks after, my grandfather died, and several people (5 or 6 others, at least) who were in varying cicles of influence around me also died over the next year. I eventually had to shut out the feelings of loss, because it became too much.
Dealing with my cousin had to come first, and the reactions in my family covered the gamut. My mom was very angry with Daniel, at his "selfishness" for taking himself from the rest of the family. I could not muster up any anger towards my cousin. The only feeling I was left with, was a great sadness for how it must have been for him, when he thought that killing himself was the only way left to deal with his pain.
I had not gotten to know him very well, in the time that he was maturing, in high school. I was off at college, doing my own thing, while he grew from a child to a young man. I felt severe loss at his death, but it couldn't really have been for the loss of our relationship. It seemed to be a "loss of innocence" for my family (this was the side of the family that WASN'T marred by decades of abuse, btw). I saw the way the pain, slowly and quietly, ripped my various family members apart on the inside. I always saw the brave faces of my uncle and aunt, knowing how the emotions must be churning inside. I worried for my other cousin (Daniel's brother) since he had gone through rehab just the previous year. I watched as I spoke to my dad about MY feelings, I saw my dad's lip quiver like he was about to cry; when I hugged him, it was clear that dad wanted the hug over with as soon as possible. He was not going to deal with his pain around me; he was going to hold it in.
OK, now that I've depressed everyone, what is my point? The grieving process is similar, no matter if you're grieving the death of a loved one, a divorce, or the loss of your childhood from SA. All the feelings you feel are normal, and they make sense. We're not crazy! But we have to actually face up to our feelings, dwell in them for awhile, but ultimately recognize that these feelings last only for the duration we feel them; they are not a permanent state.
Eventually, we will feel new feelings, and believe it or not (and yes, it may take a long time to get to this point), JOY IS POSSIBLE AGAIN!!!
So the most important part of these feelings is HOW WE RESPOND to them, not THAT we feel them. The intensity of them tells us how important they are to deal with.
For awhile before my current job with little kids, I worked with teens in a group home. I met some very bright kids, who were also suicidal. Maybe not acutely suicidal (though I had my share of dealing with those); but the ones that thought about it for days, weeks, years. One remarkable kid had to go through dialysis for the last several years, but you could see the weariness in him. He had this impishness to him that probably kept him going; as long as he could fuck with people, he had some joy. I've lost touch with him; I hope he started taking the classes on Computer Animation he talked about. If I ever get word that he actually killed himself (or even that his body finally gave up on him) I know I will be grieving for him.
We all have people that love us. Look around here at the other posters to this forum. I could be selfish, and say that I don't want to feel the pain of losing any of you, but I don't have control over that.
I want everyone here to be able to heal from the pain inflicted upon them by others. I want everyone here to get their revenge by a life well lived. I want everyone here to be a part of ending the cycles of abuse that included us. I want everyone here to take the lessons they've learned by living through hell, and making the world a better place through your wisdom.
Oh yeah, and I also want a million dollars!
Since all this is out of my hands though, I'll just have to continue to live the best life I can, and do MY part to do the things I mentioned above.
J
We're in this together.
