strength......need advice

strength......need advice
M

michaelb

Registrant
i'm looking for advice.......i've decided i no longer want or am not able to deal with this life anymore.....is there a medical person out there who could advise me which medicines i have would be the most effective in stopping my heart.....i have congestive heart failure.....i'm 42, 6', 240 lbs......i have about 25% of my heart left......can anybody tell me which of the following drugs would be the quickest and least painful way to do this.....i fear becoming a vegtable.....i have 1500 mg of metatoprol, 900 mg of zestril, 8 mg of lanoxin......which should i take, or should i take them all at once???????? i also have lasix, aldactone, pravochol and celexa but i do not think these would serve my purpose.....please respond back as soon as possible....thank you for your time and consideration......michael........you can e-mail me at [email protected] you.....
 
I hear your desperation Michael, as do others on this site. Aside from this page are you alone right now? It sounds like you need to not be alone, especially now. Are you in a hospital?
I know for me when my body is assaulted by disease (diabetes and a degenerative back ,for me). Deep down I feel like my body has been re-victimized and it is betraying me ...again. If I had recieved the information on my health as you have I would also be depressed and overwhelmed and I think justifiably so. It needs some recovery time.
You deserve to be held and comforted in your terror. All I and others can offer you here are caring words.
Does your dr. know how fearful, depressed and suicidal you are? He needs to hear this from you. You don't need to suffer this pain in solitude. You have many hearts here that can hear loud and clear the pain in yours. call a hotline and talk to someone.
------- Please be loving and gentle with yourself
-------------------------- RJD
 
Michael,
I responded to your email....please check.. I am here for you as these wonderful people have been here for me. We are wonderful gifted people who have an opportunity to heal...allow that process to begin for you...I need you to be here for me...
 
thank you for your responses.....i am totally alone right now.....just like most of my life.....i know i'm getting closer and closer to doing it....the 20th anniversary of my father's death is friday.....that just seems like the right day for me to join him, if you believe in such things.....i do not.....my doctor does not care....i am a miserable person, i do not deserve to live......i do not want to live......i cannot and will not go back into the hospital again.....it will do no good.....if anybody knows about the effects of these medicines, please e-mail me..........i need to be successful at one thing in my pitiful life.....thank you.....
 
I DONT BELIVE IN SELF KILL BESIDES I DONT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THAT I WAS MADE A VAMPIRE MANY YEAR AGO,IT IS TRUE THAT BEING AMONG THE LIVEING IS DIFFICULT, I OFTEN WISH GOD WOULD CALL MY NUMBER AND GET ME THE FUCK OFF THIS PICE OF SHIT WORLD BUT I WATE, SOME TIMES I THINK ITS THE PROMISE HE MADE THAT IN THE END WE GO TO HEAVEN,GOD I HOPE THATS TRUE,TILL THEN IT IS NOT UP TO ME TO END GAME SO EARLY, IF IT WERE ID BEEN DEAD THE MOMENT HE GOT HIS COCK IN ME BUT IT GOT SO BLACK IN MY HEAD AND THE RYTHUM OF HIS TRUSTING I COULD NOT FIND THE GAME OVER BUTTON,SOMETHING WAS KEEPING ME THERE ,,,WELL THAT ALL FOR NOW.....
 
I was ready to commit suicide last Sunday, but called the suicide hotline. They weren't really helpful, but decided not to commit suicide. Things have gone a little better this week. They are far from perfect, as my life is still a mess, but I feel that I made some progress this week. Sometimes you just have to hang in there.
 
Hey Mikie,
I think that you should improve yourself not kill yourself, besides all those piss poor drugs wouldn't even get me high...I mean what the fuck! I didn't have sex with anyone myself for 20 years after being raped 100's of times...I couldn't. I finilly had to force myself to do it. What would be better to force yourself to have sex with someone or kill yourself....I know that's it hard but the first time always is! Now I would kill myself if I could never have sex again. Sex is a very stronge drug if used right. Why kill yourself before you try all the help that you can find...not having sex with someone else is what is killing you!
I wanted to die big time..I got to the point where I couldn't even cum by jacking off much-less getting hard enough to do my wife! This went on for 3 months...what was doing it? The starting of the flashbacks of being raped. I had dissocated while being raped which came back in flashbacks 11 months ago...your mind has to be very heavy to dissocate...most people just remenber being raped after wards and forever. After you have the flashbacks you remember forever!!!!
Now this don't work for everyone but it did for me and a lot of other men that had been SA when a child. What matters a lot is the age that you were abused...before or after you were sexually developed....under 13 or over 13... or both like me. SHIT...maybe that doesn't matter...WHATEVER ! Most men that were sexually abused are drawn to the part of their body that was abused. I was drawn to passive anal sex..wanted to be fucked to death! Found a guy close by that wanted to fist me so I let him...It didn't kill me..I loved it! Now my wife does it to me..lucky to have such a good wife to do this...most can't handle this and run away!!! It is easy to find someone on the net to have sex with...can be anything that you want..pay if you have to... BUT PLEASE DON'T KILL YOURSELF BEFORE YOU FORCE YOURSElF TO HAVE SEX...ANY KIND OF SEX WITH ANOTHER PERSON !!!!!!! Don't know why but the pain in my ass from being fisted takes away the pain in my mind...I mean it is gone...for days...up to a week of relief!

Act it Out!
Eddie
 
The suggestion of forcing sex or "fisting" bothers me a lot. I have been very uncomfortable with some of the messages on the board lately, so am going to see about cancelling my membership.
 
Scott, I hope you don;t cancel. I always like your posts and get alot out of them.
 
GetEddie,

I'm not trying to come down on you, or scare you away. We're all here to heal ourselves. And you were willing to post your ideas on something that you felt helped you. So please take my comments in the same "trying to help" frame of mind.

Regardless of whether Scott has decided to stop coming here, doesn't it seem unhealthy to "force" anything, especially sex?

There are some things that we "should" do, because they are acts that promote healing. And some of those things are things that we may find uncomfortable. So, yes, encouragement is necessary. I've even quoted from Three Kings "You do the thing you're scared shitless of, and then courage comes after you do it. Not before you do it."

But in the context of your message, it sounds like you've got a sex addiction. I would agree that is better than killing oneself. But is it HEALTHY?

Any activity, done too much, can disrupt a person's quality of life. Whether it is drugs, gambling, or even sex, if the quest to find these things takes up an inordinate amount of your time, and the rest of your life suffers, then you need to look at it, long and hard.

Addiction is the problem; it doesn't matter what the addiction is to.

Expressing the pain, whether by writing, doing art, or working out ("building yourself up" as you said) is a constructive way of dealing with the pain of the abuse. "Act it out" is simply replacing one abuse for another.

J
We're all in this together
 
Everyone,
I think that everyone missed my point completly. Sure, I'm addicted to sex..sure I have different ideas on living as a survivor. Where I grew up there were 10 of us smaller kids that got raped by 20+ older kids and men. This went on for years because our folks were a bunch of drunks or Peds. Now out of the 10, 7 took their lives, one is a junkie and one will not talk at all. So here I am the only real survivor out of the ten. When someone says that they want to kill themselfs I take it for real...not knowing that this person or others do this all the time, when I heard this it happens...I become triggered...death is very real to me. Do I want to help stop it or make it easier? I have seen so much death that I feel someone killing theirself is real and mostly unstopable...are they posting this because they feel down and want everyone to say..hang it there, take one day at a time, and all the little nice things that you say all the time. Is it OK to say something different...like if you are going to do it don't be a fuck up and suffer slowly with bad drugs...you got 25% heart left...go out with a smile on your face while having sex for the first time in your adult life!!!! I DON"T PLAY GAMES WITH DEATH!!! Maybe no one here wants to hear anything but this hang in there crap, maybe I am too rough and tough to be here...if so have the Web Master "DELETE ME NOW" !
Last year I had to go to a Phy. Hospital for safety..I hated all men and wanted to kill them. I starting picking fights with bigger guys and kicking their asses...why?...because I wanted them to kill me. I didn't screw around with a handfull of drugs...I would punch out a 350 lbs black guy to get him to kill me. OK, here's one for you..what does the 1% mean on a biker's arm...99% of all people are bullshit...all mouth and no action. I thought that I had found a real place with real men. I got tired of hearing all the girls whine in the other sexual abuse grougs. What I found that both don't have balls big enough to even tell their stories...don't you think that a person has to "FORCE" theirselfs to do this in order to recover or heal? I have to force myself to eat...I'm so upset with this abuse crap that I can't even eat, sleep, whatever. Sex addict, when the flashbacks started I couldn't even climax for 3 months and still can't get hard...what the fuck is this? Yes, I have been to 3 dick doctors..tried all the drugs...need a painfull operation for a pump up dick implant...yea like I would love to do this...no, I will force myself to go through with it. For me...some, I like our sex the way it is but my wife don't and wants me inside of her not the other way around.
Everyone here doesn't want me to say it like it is....so...If Mikie really is going to off himself...he should not use piss poor drugs...He should fuck himself to death !!!!!

Good Bye
Eddie
 
Sorry this is not Babs this is her nutty old man Getteddie...I didn't notice that she was not signed out.

Good Bye
Eddie
 
I didn't realiz I was on a high horse when I wrote that. I'm sorry.

I do get your point, Eddie (now). What's the point of writing here, if we can't speak our minds?

I'm sorry for your losses.

J
 
Hey Michaelb!

Why now? After all this time, why now? Seriously, I must ask you why give up now?

Look, I've thought about suicide too--I've even seen it with an old friend's suicide a few years back. I think that everyone in this forum has thought about the exact same thing you have. Even at 22, trust me I have been through enough hell myself. Death is certainly no stranger to me. I've attended too many funerals to count. Most recently, I felt it in college with the unexpected death of a good friend. Of all the deaths that I have seen, this hit me the most and made me realize its permanence. There is truly no going back. If you've ever had any dreams before (travelling all over Europe, having a certain profession, or just beating this), you will have essentially crushed ALL of them along with any meaningful relationships you have made.

After years of dealing with this and meeting all sorts of people, I've realized that my life is not the worst one at all...I look at this planet of 6 billion people. Surely there are many people just like you and me but have even dealt with even additional problems--like torture, war, prostitution, poverty... How must they handle it? I even just consider the fact that I have a chance to do this...that I have access to a computer to anonymously find help for abuse and I realize how fortunate I have been. How many others out there do not even have that much?

Look, man...Surely, you have seen "downs" before--I mean look at how long you have been living with the abuse. How can you let the abuse win now, when for so long you have beaten it and said "no"? I mean you've been on this forum for months now, and you know deep down that you don't want to give up. Don't give in, man. I don't know how long it will take you or I to finally beat this thing, but one thing I do know is that if we give up we would have already lost.

I don't care how cheesy it sounds..."hang in there, man"...I think you know deep down that you want to get up again, and fight on. So please do it and get a hold of your life again :)

[ 08-06-2001: Message edited by: abcd ]
 
abcd, I thank you VERY MUCH for this post. What you write is SO HELPFUL TO ME, and I believe, a lot of others of us on these two web pages - male surviivors, and gay survivors. Calling it "the end of life" is a VERY, VERY DIFFICULT SUBJECT to all people, but to us having been abused, it is especially difficult. Again, thank you, and if possible, please e-mail me direct, so I cound send you a note direct. [email protected] bos
 
Mike, if you do it, you let that fucker win. DON"T LET HIM WIN. Man, it would be like he;s screwing you again. That sounds harsh but it;s true. The best thing you can do is live a good life despite what happened to you. Don;t dwell on it. GO out and find something that makes you feel better. Go buy something, go call a friend, go do something for someone, anything, and start to take back your life. Any time one of us lets our lives get fucked up, we let them win. When we think about killing ourselves or someone else we let them win. When we let them take our family away from us we let them win. I want to be able to say Wayne you did this to me but I got past it and carried on, FUCK YOU WAYNE! I don;t know what your family is like but you have friends here and we;d miss you.
 
Mike,
Sorry for the rough talk...been a rough few weeks...need two operations and hate the hospital too. I've been seeing one doctor after another. What I wanted to say today is that I think we all want to be dead at times. I think that the hardest thing that I have ever done is to not kill myself in the last year. I still can't find one reason to stay alive except to take care of my wife and child. Every week when I see my therapist he asks me if I've found a reason to live yet and I say hell no! He is freaked that I will be his first to kill theirselfs! I have a contract to tell him before I do it...it makes him feel better. It is very hard for a man to live with memmories of past sexual abuse! Everyone knows how you feel, it's hard work to stay here.

Eddie
 
hard to stay is the easy part just sit down and your there, i think waiting to get the hell out of here is the bitch of the part, waiting around, the longer he makes you stay the more shit you have to put up with, fucking people have to be interacted with, take an other breath dam still here, and dont forget, dont hurt others feelings,,,
the list for waiting can go on forever,the list to stay is there,dam i hate waiting for him to call my number,get me the fuck out of here before some other bullshit happens.....
 
Hewy everyone. I realy appreciate ALL of your posts. They really speak volumes about how much we all care for one another, even if we may disagree or feel uncomfortable about some of what we share.

I'll jhust add one thing that has helped me tremdndously since one of myt therpists said it to me about 7 years ago. She said the folloiwng:

REMEMBER! As painful as it may feel now, it is now JUST FEELINGS! The actual abuse was far worse, yet we are still here...we survived! What we are now dealing with are the feelings left behind that we have bottled up for years because we were not yet ready to deal with them. The fact that these feelings are emerging now means that we -- our minds, our bodies, our psyches -- are now ready to deal with them! they do not come all at once. Instead, they bubble p over time at a pace that we can handle, even if feels overwhelming. Even that feeling of being overwhelmed is an old feeling that we CAN get through!

REMEMBER: We survived the abuse, so we can certainly survive the emotional fall out that is finally coming out...and as we feel the pain and shame and anger, etc, and slowly let it all go, we heal and open up internal emotional space for other more positive feelings like joy, excitement, happiness, love, etc...

Love and continued healing to you, MichaelB, and to all of us!

LanceC
 
Sorry LanceC, I do not agree. It is NOT 'Just feelings". The frick'in horrible FEELINGS are driving many of us Insane. When the abuse occured, U can reason that there is a logical reason Y U feel like shit. But now, without the physical abuse occuring, all we R left with R those Damn FEELINGS! And they're non-coporeal. They're an "after image". Like the blue dot u see after a flash, U can see, but cant grag it. These "Feelings" are real in that sort of way, and they hurt, I suffer still, even after 20 yrs.
 
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