Street Boys/Break Through

[i-m-Bri]

I had a major break through! But it takes some explaining...

There was a before and after the attempt to get me into the sex trade. In the after I was an angry punk. In high school I was a part time street kid. I never considered anything that happened afterwards abuse. I dipped into the game when I need. I became what they wanted me to be.

A week after I returned I made it to the streets to speak with an adult friend who was teaching me the ropes. As I told him what happened I became extremely angry and emotional. We were in an alley. He wanted me to keep my voice down so I didn’t attract the police. I desperately described how was choked, raped and the other things. The less he didn’t seem to get it the louder I became. When I stopped long enough to hear what he was saying I got “Brian, sometimes tricks go bad. It was just a bad trick”.

I got quite. I allowed him to dictate what I felt. Ok that wasn't hell, it was a bad trick, toughen up Brian.

Crimes against gay street kids were measured differently, if at all, back then. It’s easy to write off street boy/rent boys as trash. That’s what I felt like. That’s what I became. So what that I could have died. So what that I survived extreme danger. Once a threshold is passed the person isn't a person anymore.

That’s what I did for all these years, but I am seeing it differently now. The only adult to know what I went through shut me up to protect his fucking ass from the cops. He didn’t want them to see he was talking to a kid. He could have gone to the authorities, but I was just a street kid and he was a man protecting his titillation. Hell he could have told me to talk to the authorities. Or he could have counseled me to tell my parents. Fuck he could have held me and let me cry it out.

It was not a bad trick. It was intense and extreme, it would have been traumatic to a grown man, let alone a terrified 15 year old boy.

 

[Dust]

Hi Bri. Glad you're remembering more of your story. I definitely agree with your assessment that what you went through would have been traumatic for anyone, regardless of age. Yeah, the one guy who could have validated your justified strong reaction to being raped and choked instead chose to look out for his own interests and in the process invalidate your reaction and reframe your being raped as "...just part of the street game". A self-serving concocted description for sure. Glad that you are now seeing things for exactly what they were. I think such uncovering of the truth from the past will help us in the present. Congrats, Bri!

 

[i-m-Bri]

Casmir213,

I actually saw the guy for the first time in decades a few months ago. He even brought it up while we were in a buffet line. Part of me really wanted to reconnect. Every email I composed to him was wrong. I am glad I didn't. I feel so awake! He wasn't the "kind mentor" no matter how soft spoken he was.

 

[KMCINVA]

BDD

Your realization of the truth of what happened to you will hopefully allow you to heal. As Casmir said what you experienced would be traumatic to anyone. When I read your story I become sad because it tells the reality of how some children are preyed upon and the child begins to believe they must engage in order to survive. You truly were a victim, you were manipulated. Perpetrators can spot the weakness in a child, the soft spot that they can prey and coerce the child.

I am glad you are remembering and coming to terms with what you lived. Take care of yourself.

Kevin

 

[Dust]

Bri, glad you didn't reconnect with him. He doesn't sound trustworthy. I think your instincts were working well for you to not send that e-mail.

Casmir213

 

[i-m-Bri]

Since I posted this I've been haunted by saying I wish I could have just cried it out. I talked in therapy about this in therapy on Friday. My T said I wouldn't have been able to. He was right. I still can't. I was just in rage. Terror, fear, betrayal, hurt... none of those stood a chance to be felt while I was enraged. Anger kept me sane and detached.

I'm really working at coming terms with how dangerous this was. I wrote a blog post about how the symptoms of trauma were all over me, but I couldn't get it out, understood. I still only understand the severity intellectually. But even saying so is a huge breakthrough.

Thank you for supporting my instincts.

I'm remembering more. I haven't been able to picture his bathroom, I remember being surprised at the water pressure so high up, and how hot the water was. He was in a high-rise on Lexington Ave. I remember he said he's get me a tooth brush while he was out. It's trivial, but important to me.
•••TRIGGERS•••
I was desperate for a lover. He said I could find one in NYC, that is how he got me there so easily. He examined me naked after that shower and told me I wouldn't have a problem finding one. I felt attractive, awkward and hopefully. One day I'll have to deal with the pain that made me such an easy target.

Thank you guys. This is murky water and it means a lot that I can blurt things out here.

 

[Dust]

Hi Bri. Nice work! It really does sound like you are continuing to put that story puzzle together, piece by piece. How he lured you to NYC with the promise of a relationship only so that he could traffic you. A real predator he was! That was really dangerous! Even though you might not have been aware of that consciously, you must have sensed that on some level to have gotten the hell out of there like you did. 15 years old, NYC streets, it didn't matter, you had to save your ass! You knew that!