story (triggers)
I want to tell my story because I need to do that in order to move forward with you.
I was raped by three soldiers when I was 12 or 11. It happened in my home town, and my little brother was witnessing all this. We went to a pond in a country side of the town for fishing, and haven't the least knowledge or suspicion that something like this could happen to anybody. We were fishing as usual, and around that pond were cottages and the people were outside in some distance.
First I noticed three men (they were about 20) ran down the hill toward the pond. I was little and did not pay attention to them, as I saw other teenagers there who were friendly, or at least not violent. I suddenly felt that I was being punched in the face several times. Then there was more violence. They put an air gun to my head, and later one of them take a hunting knife out and put it to my neck. He forced to do oral sex. Others were forcing me to do the same. They also tried to have an anal sex with me, but they were under the effect of drugs, as long as I remember, and could not perform it.
What destroyed me was also that they humiliated me verbally, saying I was girl, and other words. My bro witnessed it, but they did not him as he was only 8. What disturbs me is that I was doing all they wanted, and I agreed that I was ... who they wanted me to be. They told of the war they fighted before going home, in Russia, and I listened and was freaking out. The message I received and try to work on recently was that the reality I lived in was not real or different of one they new. This fact both impressed me and "convinced" I was a weak, not fully masculine "man."
I did not told my parents about the abuse, although they could see the bruises. My grandparents were resisting to making a call to the 'police' and I can vaguely remember that they were saying the words such shame, embarrasment, trouble, and so on. Months later I went through a severe PTSD accompanying with galucinations, mood swings, reasonless cries, nightmares.
I never used therapy until I was 22. I used to go through a lot of pain at school; I CANNOT remember two to three years of school life. They contained much pain.
In high school, I was violent to the male peers. I have had sex with my friend who was VERY manipulative while at high school, and whom I've avoided to see for 3 years. I was violent toward him, and that is a torment now, as I am feeling my pain and try to live my life. I do have "weak moments" when I get suicidal. I cut myself in high school.
I want to understand why I have lost any determination to gain good life after years of trying to get it. I am depressed; I feel the void inside. I was VERY scared when I first saw this forum, and I still ignore something about being a survivor; I am lost. Sorry, I think I can not trust you.
That is what I have had.
I was raped by three soldiers when I was 12 or 11. It happened in my home town, and my little brother was witnessing all this. We went to a pond in a country side of the town for fishing, and haven't the least knowledge or suspicion that something like this could happen to anybody. We were fishing as usual, and around that pond were cottages and the people were outside in some distance.
First I noticed three men (they were about 20) ran down the hill toward the pond. I was little and did not pay attention to them, as I saw other teenagers there who were friendly, or at least not violent. I suddenly felt that I was being punched in the face several times. Then there was more violence. They put an air gun to my head, and later one of them take a hunting knife out and put it to my neck. He forced to do oral sex. Others were forcing me to do the same. They also tried to have an anal sex with me, but they were under the effect of drugs, as long as I remember, and could not perform it.
What destroyed me was also that they humiliated me verbally, saying I was girl, and other words. My bro witnessed it, but they did not him as he was only 8. What disturbs me is that I was doing all they wanted, and I agreed that I was ... who they wanted me to be. They told of the war they fighted before going home, in Russia, and I listened and was freaking out. The message I received and try to work on recently was that the reality I lived in was not real or different of one they new. This fact both impressed me and "convinced" I was a weak, not fully masculine "man."
I did not told my parents about the abuse, although they could see the bruises. My grandparents were resisting to making a call to the 'police' and I can vaguely remember that they were saying the words such shame, embarrasment, trouble, and so on. Months later I went through a severe PTSD accompanying with galucinations, mood swings, reasonless cries, nightmares.
I never used therapy until I was 22. I used to go through a lot of pain at school; I CANNOT remember two to three years of school life. They contained much pain.
In high school, I was violent to the male peers. I have had sex with my friend who was VERY manipulative while at high school, and whom I've avoided to see for 3 years. I was violent toward him, and that is a torment now, as I am feeling my pain and try to live my life. I do have "weak moments" when I get suicidal. I cut myself in high school.
I want to understand why I have lost any determination to gain good life after years of trying to get it. I am depressed; I feel the void inside. I was VERY scared when I first saw this forum, and I still ignore something about being a survivor; I am lost. Sorry, I think I can not trust you.
That is what I have had.