storm is brewing " possible trigger "

[house]

I have been very angry inside with all these stories of abuse coming out. I'm having a hard time even being around people right now. Everyday there is a new story to depress me but I hope these victims stories expose the abuser to point this cancer of CSA and any sexual abuse in this country finally has the momentum to make a difference.

Sorry to see so much of the attention to these stories have been politicized. I go on social media trying to let people know that sexual abuse does not care about party or race or position. Unless my comment have a political slant they get no support. The morality of the abuse is lost in the argument and finger pointing. As someone who was abused starting at six years old, I find this frustrating and hurtful to say the least. Some people have fame and power and that is why they are being targeted to some degree but that does not mean they are innocent. They deserve due process and I hope they get it.

I guess this is more venting than making a point but all this stress triggered a memory of my second abuser when I was 14. There was a special room in his house with a lock on it. when I asked him what was in the room he said I was not ready for this room. I thought that was weird but I let it drop. One day he went to the bathroom and door was unlocked I took a quick peek inside and the room looked like a disco blew up in it. There were color lights and white fur rugs on the floor. But what I forgot was there was a camera on a tripod stand in the middle of the room. I never said anything, I was not supposed to be in the room but at 14 I also did not know what to make of it. Thankfully I never made it in the room but the memory has me very raddled.

The guy had over 20 victims that came forward in his trial,I found this out about the trial after the fact. He is in jail now. I could write a lot about this guy but what is difficult is that it happened to me again. How could I let this happen again, from one guy to another 80 miles apart. The first one my neighbor in the city and now the second one a guy I did yard work for where we moved to, in a small farm community. The other thing he could have made a huge difference in my life in a positive way when I really needed it but instead he abused me. I hate him for that, I was nothing more than a piece of meat for him..

 

[Ceremony]

(((house))) I can understand and share some of the same concerns about all the current news of molesters, rapists and abusers. I don't care what kind of person they are, being an abuser will trigger my anger and many will bring rage. I have to have self care though. I need to have hope that my own life might move toward processing my own trauma and avoid sidetracking too deeply into the whirlwind of news. I do comment, I do make my take known. However, to me, I set the stage for some supportive and reciprocal comments in the process. I might not get what works to validate me at every turn, but by far, more than I could have imagined are supportive.

I don't discuss it on Facebook, never on that platform where my family might be. I have worked to connect with like minded people at three other platforms that I do nothing to connect with family nor friends. However, some in all three platforms share connections across all platforms. Does this make sense?

I've been making comments for many years some places, and when I discovered the impact of my trauma, and that I've found a voice to some degree, I have shared some of that. I think my journey about healing will help me when I share it. It might help someone else too?

I hope you're finding my post helpful, and may share more in your thread here.

Best wishes my friend.

 

[house]

thanks Ceremony
I appreciate the support and I did find your post helpful. One of the things that has been bothering me about all this current attention on the subject of CSA and Harassment is that people don't understand how complex the reasons are for why victims don't come out or why it take 20 to 40 years for them to do so.

I don't blame them because if it never happen to them I can see how it might be hard to understand but the attacks on victims character is hurtful.

People do not understand the grooming process of victims, the victim's parents, even the community. The months and maybe years that these predator invest before they pounce.

My second abuser was one of those who groomed me for months, he was well known and trusted in the community, even introduced himself to my dad, who later told me to watch out for him but I was mad at my dad for saying that. I thought he was trying to wreck the only relationship I had with a male adult who gave any attention. My abuser had me hooked. SO how could I ever tell anyone, my guilt and shame was overwhelming. I did not want anyone to know how stupid I was.

There is a part of me that blames my dad I was 14 he thought something was wrong he should have done something. I think other people knew as well my abuser talked about other guys he hung out with other adult men that sat around masterbating all day,that this was normal, he named them. Also he said his aunt lived down the street from me but she would not talk to him. I bet she knew too. I thought that was weird but I let it go because I was hooked.

anyways I'm feeling better today not as angry, don't feel as desperate today

 

[Chris4TheMill]

I'm sorry about what happened to you, house. I too had a 2nd abuser who groomed me and was a family friend and neighbor. I became hooked on his attention too, as I grew up with a single mother who treated us like dirt most of the time. This guy took us out to eat, bought stuff for us, took us fishing and camping, etc. My dad even bought him a $200 engraved ring to thank him for his helping my brother and I. No one ever knew about the abuse except me and my brother, we never told anyone.

When this guy gathered other young "playmates" around him, I was jealous. I never saw what he did as abuse back then.

I hope you can find some peace with all the news cycle madness. I also agree it is way too politicized. About back then, you weren't "stupid" though, we were just hungry for male attention and didn't understand how to have boundaries or even what we really wanted in some cases. Relationships were confusing and some of us didn't know how to be anything but a people pleaser, because we didn't know how to value ourselves. I don't believe it is never too late to learn how to value ourselves though. I hope you see yourself as the good guy that you are now, and I hope it is helpful to talk about all this stuff with people who understand.

Best,

Chris

 

[house]

thanks for the support Chris

this guy did quite the number on me as far as grooming did not see the abuse coming even in the middle of it I was in disbelief. No wonder I don't trust anyone even when I think I do I don't

 

[Esterio]

Hi house
The news that is all coming out right now is over whelming. I have had very little feelings for days now. I don't watch the news on TV very much. I have been tuning in lately a bit but find it hard to watch.

My first Predator groomed me very well I was sure he loved me. He was a trusted neighbour hood young man, He used to walk me home after and talk with my Mom and Dad I could not get enough of him. He would go away to university and I would sneak in his room and sleep in his bed. I like him very much, I think I still do. (one of my things that I guilt myself over). Everyone has memories of their first love or first sexual experience my where just abuse. He started grooming me and my Parents before I started school. He is dead now he died from aids I think. I think he went on to abuse many boys after me. One was my nephew.(that is another story).

I did not realized what was happening to me was wrong, until I was sent to a child psychologist at 11 I think. He asked me if my Dad was sexually abusing me. I clamped up he could not have been any more wrong. I never spoke to this man but by the time I left his office I knew what had be going on was wrong.

My first abuser started to share me with 2 of his friends when I was about 7. They lived next door to him. They were not loving and gentle with me. I did't like what was happing now they were hurting me.

I guess this was when I started to act out I don't remember everything I did most what I remember is I stop cleaning myself, i stopped brushing my teeth or hair, I pretended to have baths. I started to get called names at school. I was starting to smell. I did some strange thing in the bathroom at school and was caught at it and that was how I was sent to the person I could have told and then maybe it would have stopped. That was the time it would have helped me if I had just spoke up. That was about 50 years ago now. My life change at that point was the start of a violent, abusive life full of drugs, alcohol, crime and promiscuity. I am glad I am still alive

Peace be safe

I hope out of all the news about abuse out there they go after the predators that are out there.

 

[LinEar]

I guess this was when I started to act out I don't remember everything I did most what I remember is I stop cleaning myself, i stopped brushing my teeth or hair, I pretended to have baths.

Thanks for bringing this up. This is one of the many ways in which I acted out (it's not something I do anymore, or have for years), but I most certainly did when I was in middle school. I wish that a trusted adult would have recognized it, and the very many other signs I was displaying, for what it was. That's a big source of my anger.

 

[Duckie]

deleted

 

[LinEar]

Thanks iaccus, that's something that I've thought about and need to explore more in therapy. I also became both very underweight and camera-phobic around the same age (although I'm about 95% sure that photos weren't involved in my abuse) and all of this together points to a subconscious attempt to be less desirable, or just simply unseen/invisible. I know my abuse was filled with comments about how attractive and irresistible I was.

 

[house]

Hello Esterio

Our abusers stole our first sexual experience for their own purpose,not to mention we were too young to understand what was going on to process the physical and emotional aspect of sexual stimulation. It gets me mad when I remember asking my abuser where did babies come from. I find that sad too.

My first sexual abuse started at six by my neighbour who was a boy in 7th grade. He was an adult to me. I looked up to him so much I was always going by his house to see if he was home, I must have drove his parents nuts. He was young but he knew exactly how to groom me and the abuse went on for years. Looking back I was acting out in school at home. I had long periods that I isolated myself and no one asked why. I always wore my hair long would not let my parents cut it , I tried to hid behind my hair. People thought I was a girl until my dad took a scissor to me when he could not handle it anymore, which involved kicking and screaming, and crying.

I'm sorry you had to go through the abuse and I'm glad you are still alive too. thanks for sharing house